I was sent a post from Instagram today (credit: @healer_prince) that read as follows: “Most of you were never my friends. I was just yours.” Powerful statement, huh? You might take offense to it as soon as you read it. Or maybe, just maybe, it gives you pause. Maybe it makes you think.
Let’s start with the basics. What does friendship mean to you? How do you qualify or quantify friendship? Before you go ahead and stream of consciousness share, let me advise you that there is no one right answer to this question. It is not even a ballpark kind of answer. Nope. It’s wide open spaces. It is what feels right and good for YOU and you alone. My definition and perspective might be vastly different from someone else’s, even someone who I consider to be fairly likeminded. And THAT is exactly why the above statement is so profound. Two people can share a connection whereas one person identifies that linkage as friendship and the other, not so much.
You know what is even more complicated? Sometimes it is even more nuanced than friends or not friends. Sometimes one person considers a relationship close and the other person views it as a more tangential relationship. Sometimes two people have historically been close but then something changes it for one person and not for the other.
Okay, we get it. What now? Well, I’ll tell you what. There are two issues that I want to address within this topic. One, is the question as to whether or not we have an obligation to tell the person as to the difference in our feelings (once/if we have identified such). The other point is whether we always have to reconcile the difference to get to even.
I’m going to tell you how I feel about each and then I’m going to explain and then YOU are going to examine YOUR life and YOUR feelings and decide for yourself. Good? Good.
I think there are factors that help us determine whether or not we have to advise another human that our relationship has reached a point of inequality when it comes to feelings. Really, there are two factors that immediately come to mind.
One is whether the misperception held by the other human will somehow hurt them or you at some point. Are they making decisions in their life or with life events based on what they believe to be your friendship category? Let me give you an example of this so it makes sense. I had a good friend growing up. When we went away to college she dropped off the face of the earth. I tried to communicate with her on several occasions. I wasn’t necessarily devastated by this ‘falling apart’, but I was extremely conscious of it. So much so that when she invited me to her wedding years later, I was utterly confused. How could I attend her wedding? I barely knew her at that point and I certainly didn’t know who the fuck she was marrying. I could have gone for the sake of preserving this bizarre illusion, but I decided that was unkind. She would have me in photos of her special day and there was a distinct possibility I would never speak to her again. I wrote her a letter (and included a gift) and shared with her that while I wished her nothing but the best, it seemed bizarre to me to plan to attend her nuptials. She was livid with me initially, but then seemingly got over it. Now we are “friends” on social media. I wish her well, she wishes me well. I’m not a weird ghost of friendship past in her wedding photos (um, who was she again?) and I didn’t just bail without explaining. Win, win.
The second factor, which ties into the first, is whether that person will get it. There are many reasons a person will not get it. They might be any of the following: troubled, obstinate, self-centered, distracted, delusional, or combative. Combative? Yes. They might be one of those folks who just automatically wants to get on the other side of an argument (aka discussion). You KNOW what I mean, right? I say black, they say white. Sadly, this factor does override the first. You can do everything in your power to protect yourself, and even the other person, but if you are not going to get through and you are certain of that fact, best to let it be. You can either keep on keepin’ on (keep the relationship as it is with the understanding that you each feel differently), shift the relationship to suit your perception of it (i.e. sharing less), or just let it fade to nothingness over time. When YOU are the friend and they are not, often that means they do not put a lot of effort in. If you wait long enough, demise is somewhere around the corner.
There are other factors too, as you might imagine, but in my humble opinion, the analysis should follow a similar approach. You know what it boils down to, no? Weighing the pros against the cons. The ol’ ‘is it really worth it’ exploration.
Now the second part. Equanimity. Do we need it? I mean, sometimes we crave it, but do we REALLY need it? We don’t. Yeah, sorry to break it to you. I know I’ve said this before and it’s likely not going to be any easier to hear it this time around…the whole ‘I want total equality in my relationship’ doesn’t really exist. I mean the hope does, but the reality? Not so much. Relationships ebb and flow. The power and feelings shift back and forth and to and fro. What you really want is to get to the most even current you can…so much so that it feels like equal, at all times. That goes for romantic and platonic relationships. Although, straight friendships are a little different when it comes to tracking the pattern and understanding just how much perceived equality exists. In a romantic relationship, you ideally want to be as close to level as you can, so you can comfortably ride the ups and downs as they come. A friendship is not radically different except that the longevity of a friendship is not as intrinsically tied to the purpose of the relationship.
Huh?!
Well, in a friendship or platonic connection, the two participants can serve different functions and still plod along. Someone can think I’m their all-around bestie (caveat, see above, maybe not) and they can serve a more singular and specific purpose in my life. And vice versa, of course. Provided no harm is done (or minimal), this is okay.
So what’s the most important takeaway?
Don’t be afraid to be honest with yourself about what someone or something means to you. It is not some major conspiracy or competition. You don’t need to measure up. You just need to keep it real and manage these revelations as they come your way. There is more to this and we’ll get there, but first, chew on this.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 