I’ve spent a good deal of my life striving to do for others. Mostly because I was raised that way. Mostly because I think, I know, it is the right way to live. No matter what I’ve been through, I still keep to that mantra. However, an adjustment was required. Every hurt that I suffered, every betrayal of me by me and others, was a reminder of that needed adjustment. For a long time I ignored the nudging. I ignored the nagging feeling deep inside me that told me I had to shift.
Why?
Well, for the same reason I’ve expressed before and the same reason others stay stagnant. Fear. Raging, outrageous fear.
A girlfriend of mine who is not dissimilar to me in this way (though is certainly different in many other ways) expressed to me that she is afraid to stop doing for others because she fears that deep down inside she needs the affirmation. She needs people to think she’s great. We’ve actually talked about that idea before. It was fairly recent that we explored what altruism is in the face of the ego. I don’t intend to delve back into that specific topic again. I’ve also already given some tips to identify who deserves that ‘doing’ versus who doesn’t. Soooo….what now? Why revisit this topic or a portion of it?
I want to talk about the steps we need to take to make the shift. Let’s start with an admission: it is SO fucking hard. SO hard. So challenging. I mean, it all is, right? On the path to worthy, everything is a little bit of a struggle. Thus, the first step is wanting to get there. You have to get to your breaking point. Hopefully that breaking point is not rock bottom. It is just the thing that is the impetus to move. To change. It doesn’t matter what it looks like. For some of us, that thing is a monstrous event, obvious to everyone who witnesses it. For others, it’s a little unobtrusive thing. A thing that doesn’t look like a big deal and yet, it is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Doesn’t matter. At all. It’s your thing. But, when it comes, you have to be ready to run with it. When you get that feeling of ‘I’ve had enough’…you have to use it and move forward. Here’s the little nugget of truth that sucks. If you wait too long and don’t capitalize on that feeling, it can pass you by. That doesn’t mean that the opportunity is never going to arise again. Not at all. It just might take some time and likely, some more hurt. Nobody needs that, you know?
First, we recognize. Then we give into the feeling of recognition. We allow ourselves to give into the desire to change things. Then we have to plan the change. Yes, that’s right. I said plan the change. Plan? Plan. How do you plan change? Well, it’s not a perfect science. Not by any stretch. We need to map out the basic infrastructure of what that change looks like and more or most importantly, we need to have a plan for when an obstacle arises. When we reach a bump in the road or an impasse, we need to have a plan of attack for moving through it, around it, or over it.
How do you do that? Well, you may not like this, but the first step is admitting you have a problem. What I mean is that you speak out loud your intention to another human. You make it clear that you would like to move to a different place. What this step creates is accountability. It’s all well and good to establish accountability within you and if that is enough, that’s amazing. For most of us mortals, we need a little backup, some support. We need to know that if we falter, we have someone there to listen to us, encourage us, and even give some tough love when necessary. You can do without this part if you can, but I know that I’m not as successful as when I go it alone.
The second step is imagining the obstacles, “real” and emotional, and plotting out the response that will best serve us. Let me give you an example here. Let’s say I am moving away from a friendship that I think is toxic. I don’t want to abandon the person altogether, but I feel like I need some space from it. Just a little. Or a lot. I imagine two scenarios that could emerge as a response. One, the person confronts me because they feel a change in our relationship. Two, apropos of nothing (no acknowledgment from the other person), I start to feel guilty and feel tempted to move back into what is comfortable, albeit bad for me. What does planning look like? Well, I can write it down. I can make it that formal. Sometimes it helps to map everything out on paper.
When it comes to engaging with another human, I say to myself, what are the responses I can have prepared to engage with that person? Well, I can be totally and brutally honest about what I’m doing. I can keep it simple and just reveal the need to have a little space; keeping it non-committal. I can be evasive. I don’t recommend that last reaction, but if we are being totally forthright, sometimes it is necessary in the triage stage. Sometimes we aren’t strong enough to tackle “the conversation” and so it’s easier to have a step in between. That doesn’t mean lying, not even a little. It just means saying you aren’t sure, aren’t ready, etc., until you are.
The self-discussion part is a little trickier. We can more easily talk ourselves in and out of things when we are stuck in our own heads. That’s where revealing our deepest, darkest fears to someone trusted comes in handy. But either way, we still need a plan. How? Well, we find strategies for moving through the anxiety. Call a friend to talk (not even about this necessarily…about anything), go for a walk, cook something, watch a movie. Yes, you’ve guessed it…it is the same strategies required for anything stress-provoking. We’ve been here before. Distract yourself, refocus your energy, tell yourself you deserve so much better than selling yourself short.
You will go “off plan”. No question. You will deliberately move away from it or move away from it without even realizing. What then? Well, like anything else in life, you just have to put yourself back on course. You don’t just throw in the towel. You don’t give yourself permission to shit the bed for good. You tell yourself that you slipped, brush yourself off, and start over again. You feel me? You can do this. It isn’t easy. Nothing good is. We get that by now, right? We all get that all good things take energy and effort and strain and yes, stress.
The awesome part is that it’s so much better on the other side.
Right now it’s easy to give up on things. We are more emotional, more vulnerable, more frustrated. So, make a bigger commitment. Commit to emerging from THIS, whenever that is, healthier and more balanced. Fight the odds. Be a different statistic. If you get on top of this shit, you are primed to be a warrior for good in every other area in your life.
If you don’t do the work, no one deserves to be subjected to you. Not even you.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 