This morning I had a really unpleasant exchange with a professional colleague. Really, really unpleasant. I was criticized and condescended to, and not in a way where I could extrapolate some lesson. The chastising and bullshit happened in a way where I felt like shit after it occurred. I had to forward the exchange to another colleague based on the subject matter. I felt embarrassed. Even though it was their shitty ass behavior, I felt humiliated that I was dressed down in that way. The person I forwarded the email to contacted me and explained that the person on the other end of the communication was receiving some flak at work. You know where I’m going with this, right? Excuses. Explanations. ‘Let ME explain to YOU why you have to be the recipient of crappy behavior in a way where you immediately forgive the treatment and go on your merry way.’ Nah. Nope. Not anymore.
You know how I responded? I am going to share it with you. I want to first disclaimer that I LOVE the shit out of animals. People who abuse them should be locked up…and the key tossed away. I didn’t say what I’m about to share without care to animals. To the contrary, I said it because it felt wholly appropriate. I said that while there are nuances and there is grey area, there are two vast categories when it comes to abused animals. There are the animals who have been abused for so long that they turn around and bite everything and everyone around them. Then there are animals who have been abused in the same way and cuddle up to everything and everyone around them. Their inclination is to give love and seek love; to eradicate and erase the pain and suffering they’ve become accustomed to. I told the person who contacted me that I’ve always been the latter kind of puppy. I see poor treatment for what it is, bullshit, and I try to do better. The person we were talking about, she’s a biter.
Cool, cool, we now know that I interacted with a horrible human today. Story over? Nah, not even close. The story is just beginning.
I’ve talked about the concept of hurt people, hurt people before, which is not unlike the tale of two puppies. Many hurt humans deliberately or inadvertently strike out against other humans, for a variety of reasons. That concept is a little different than my explanation because it usually occurs in situations where the harm or hurt is deep seated, parked, and at least semi-permanent. To the contrary, the story I am talking about is a situation where someone is experiencing something painful or difficult and to cope (or because of their shitty mood), they dump on someone else. I think we’ve really nailed this one down, so I want to expand a little further, as I usually do.
I told another friend what my experience had been and you know what she said? That it is a difficult time and maybe I should give people a little bit of a wider berth right now. A little more room to be, well, awful. I found myself incredulous. Again. But also, I started to question myself. Was I being too hard on this person? Did I not give enough credence to how upside down the world is right now and how much it is impacting people? Was I being insensitive? Or too sensitive? Nah. Nope.
I am super sensitive and also, I can be insensitive from time to time. I mean, not often, but it happens. That has nothing to do with this particular situation. Everyone has the right to cope in their own way and as we’ve said before, these are unprecedented times that are presenting completely new challenges to us. We all get that, right? But that still doesn’t excuse repeat, unapologetic, extraordinarily shitty behavior. People aren’t allowed to trample each other without any regard to the consequences just because it’s a pandemic. If anything, it feels more appropriate to be a bit more plugged into how we may impact someone during this time. That said, you can understand how that may not be the case. But swinging to the opposite end of the universe? Not cool. Not at all.
If we decide to give someone a pass because of the situation right now or a variety of other factors, something mildly to majorly unpleasant may arise as a result. Any guesses? Well, you send the message that YOU are not someone worthy of better treatment.
I know this may be a confusing topic. Right now you might be thinking about how you are an understanding person and how you quite like that component of your personality. There are levels of understanding though and it’s super important to understand the level that is manageable and the level that is drowning territory. There are some basic parameters you can abide by and then the rest requires a person by person tolerance test. In other words, you have to decide for yourself how much shit you are able to tolerate from another human before you feel like you are going to unravel.
I want to loop back for a moment to where I started all of this. A colleague dressed me down and I felt awful. Embarrassed. Then two colleagues made excuses for this human and I felt worse. Decidedly worse. I questioned my reaction and response. And then, I didn’t. I didn’t when I realized that I have found my tolerance level. Although I know I need to address it on a person-by-person basis, I had laid groundwork. Created emotional infrastructure. Emotional infrastructure. Such a powerful phrase and a more powerful ‘thing.’ It enables us to organize, form reasonable opinions, and make good decisions. It helps us get to a place where we can say, nah, no thanks, not anymore. We push back, ask questions, stand up. We form opinions and we aren’t afraid when we meet people who don’t agree with us or stand with us.
When I stopped truly caring it was because I had the support of normalcy at my fingertips. At my back. I didn’t need my people because I had myself. I am not suggesting pushing people away is the way to approach what I am referring to. I am saying that a backbone and an opinion will save you. Every. Single. Time.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
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