I was having a discussion with someone yesterday about friendship. They were running a scenario by me and seeking my feedback. We all know I love to give feedback, amiright? Anyway, they were explaining that a friendship they had was becoming toxic in some fashion. Actually, the more they explained the friendship, the more it sounded like the friendship had been toxic for sometime but the obviousness or impact of the toxicity had grown to a point where it could no longer be ignored.
First of all, I want to give this person credit because they did something that I see so few people doing nowadays. They took responsibility. The friend they were talking about had acted out because of perceived wrongs. Rather than just focusing on the inappropriate or hurtful behavior of the friend, they first looked inward. This is no easy task, as we all know. She explored the statements that this person made, albeit in a really tactless way, and tried to own parts of it that she felt belonged with her.
Of course, like many of us going through this exercise where we’ve decided to be introspective, she landed on a place that might have been a little too much blame in her court. I know, it’s a lose-lose sometimes, but it’s really not. It is just a really challenging task to find the midpoint between ignorance is bliss and full on self-blame. You know what I’m going to say now, right? That just means we have to work a little harder at getting it right. We have to practice. We have to embark on that journey every single time the opportunity arises until we get better at landing in the ‘just right’ spot.
Anyway, she decided that there were a few things that she did that might have caused her friend harm. She owned the fact that she could have perhaps done better and resolved herself to expressing that to her friend. I challenged her to explore two other thoughts or processes that I feel are important, as follows: (i) whether or not the friendship is still really serving her (there is no right or wrong answer here, and it doesn’t negate the desire or ability to make peace) and (ii) whether she felt comfortable owning her shit but also telling her friend that she handled things poorly or in a way that is not productive for any friendship, let alone a close one. She said that she was interested in exploring those ideas, once again impressing me with her open-mindedness.
She said a few things to me as we were wrapping up our conversation that I thought were meaningful and one in particular that I’d like to address. She mentioned to me that she felt like her friend didn’t have a lot of other friends around her. She was concerned that if she took space, she was going to leave an irreparable and large void in this person’s life. Before you might think it, I want to assure you that this human is one of the sweetest, most earnest people I’ve had the pleasure of knowing. There was no arrogance in that statement. It was very matter-of-fact.
I thought for a moment before responding to her because I was concerned with how my words would resonate. I told her that I don’t think we are responsible for other people in that way, not really. What I didn’t say, not yet, was that sometimes when those types of situations arise, we have to ask ourselves why that person may not have a circle around them. Perhaps they don’t want a circle. Perhaps they’ve alienated others with the same type of behavior that you find challenging.
We are responsible for loving people who deserve our love, no more and no less. There are obligatory relationships in life (a sad but true reality) where we have to feign more of a connection than we might like. I’ve even begun to reshape those relationships to examine what they look like and mean to me. Family, long-time friends, etc. I don’t do things because I have to anymore. I just don’t or I try not to. It’s still a journey and I falter sometimes, but that is my goal and I’m sticking to it. Anyway, if you feel like you need to do right by those obligatory relationships (most people do), it doesn’t leave a lot of heart room for doing things out of obligation with others. So, make good choices. You know what I mean?
I want to explain why I feel this way. It’s simpler than you might think, if you are thinking about it. This is what I’ve discovered: the people who take our love who don’t necessarily deserve it, they ALWAYS take it for granted. They manipulate and overlook. There is very little appreciation. They might say they appreciate you, because they think it is the right thing to do, but trust me when I tell you this, it’s lip service. That fact doesn’t make them evil people. This is just reality. This is real life. This is just how things work. There are so many reasons why, but I’ll share one primary one that I’ve experienced in my life, and certainly more recently. Sometimes these people just value the fact that you’ve stuck around. Actually, it’s more than that. They see that they’ve put you through the ringer and you’ve stuck around. Thus, there is no impetus for them to change. They can treat you like shit on a whim. In fact, they can treat other people who they meet and barely know better than you because they know you are safe and think that these others may not be.
I know this sounds so negative and sad, but it isn’t. The sooner we can begin to explore these relationship issues, the sooner we can move through them. Not everyone is deserving of our friendship. We don’t need to stay friends with people even though we’ve known them for so long. We don’t need to stay friends with people because they don’t have that many others in their lives. We don’t need to make excuses and take shit from people. We do need to own our behavior and how we impact people, no matter what a relationship becomes. We do need to constantly strive to do better, be better. We need to keep growing and need to recognize and appreciate whether the people around us are supporting that growth or stifling it.
Sometimes we need to end a friendship altogether and sometimes we need to just reshape it. Take space, redefine, and even make ourselves a little less available. Not to punish someone else, but to preserve ourselves. This is the hardest thing we can do, particularly if you are empathetic, compassionate, kind, and loving. However, staying friends with someone out of fear or pity, is not really friendship at all. That goes for all relationships. If you are settling with a relationship of any sort because you are afraid to move out of it or fear you don’t deserve better, you are doing yourself and that other person a disservice. Every relationship should be conducted with feelings of enthusiasm and positivity. Things may not always be rosy, but when they aren’t, that foundation will see you through. Also, you’ll just feel like a better person.
Start by taking stock of your relationships today. It’s a simple question, does that other person bring you more joy or angst? If it’s the latter, maybe it’s time to make moves.
Have a great weekend.
Talk to you Monday.
L.
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