I had a weird experience last night. Weird in that I had a conversation with a friend that was really hurtful and then I self-examined, and then discovered that I was still hurt. Normally when I take space from something, I’m able to see where I might have gone awry and where fault might lie with the other person and then I land somewhere in the middle. The rationalizing of any situation usually gets me to a place of reasonableness. Not that it takes my feelings away completely to process anything but it usually takes the sting out. Not this time. Nope. I will disclaimer that I think it felt shittier and more painful because this is the second friend “issue” I’ve had in a matter of days. Yes, don’t worry, I did look within!
Okay, I think it’s important to give some context or greater information so you have the full picture when reading or listening to my story. My employer has started discussions about phasing the staff back into the physical office space. By starting discussions, I mean that they’ve issued directives and we are all scrambling trying to figure out how we are each impacted (we being the employees) and how we feel about said impact. The latter is not a concern for anyone outside of ourselves, but still, it bears mentioning because it is entirely relevant.
I sent the following email to my manager after we had a conversation concerning my return: “Sorry _____ but I forgot one question in addition to my questions I already posed. I can forward to HR directly if you prefer.
The [COVID-19] Code specifically says folks do not have to wear masks at their desks. Given that we don’t have partitions (that I am aware of), and once we are over 25% (in a few weeks according to the attached [memorandum]), will that policy change? There is not 6 feet between cubicles and clearly not six feet between cubicles and offices (doors), particularly on my side of the office. Or do I have to notify folks outside my office to put on a mask if/when I leave my office?
Thank you so much.”
I then forwarded the email to one of my closest friends and co-workers as we had been discussing some of the concerns we shared. After we finished work for the day and had completed our respective tasks/obligations, we were catching up on the phone. I brought up the email to reiterate how there seemed to be some holes in the plan and I was a little concerned about them. I was not accusing my employer of deliberately having a flawed plan. Rather, I recognize that this is a massive undertaking that no one has ever faced before and for that reason, it will be a new and challenging process for anyone and everyone.
My friend told me that she isn’t like me and wouldn’t be so abrasive or forward in her communication. That she intended to just go into the office when the demand was made and figure it out from there. I asked her what she meant and she proceeded to classify my email as sarcastic. I questioned this categorization, not as a way of being confrontational, but more because I didn’t understand where sarcasm existed within my words. I certainly can be sarcastic, but there was no such intent when I crafted the above referenced communication. She went on to say that perhaps my words weren’t sarcastic so much as pushy. I was so taken aback. I instantly felt a lump in my throat. Again, I asked for clarification. She then proceeded to inform me that I was “that kind” of employee where she wasn’t. I was pushy and in their faces and tended to make my opinions and thoughts known. I agreed with her because (i) I do tend to express my feelings and thoughts (a necessary exercise after too long staying a mute and being abused) and (ii) I wasn’t up for a disagreement or heated conversation, at all. As an aside, my other friend I had an issue with has said something similar. So…examination was required.
Anyway, the only thing I said to defend myself was to explain that I am always respectful when I speak to my manager or anyone else at the firm, but I feel my exposure (generally, not just as it relates to COVID) is more manageable if I muster the courage to ask questions first, and cope after the fact.
That said I got off the phone feeling defeated. Criticized. I began scrolling through my emails to my boss to try and read the tone as someone else might perceive it. This is what I came to: I am tough. I am tough because of everything I’ve been through professionally and personally. I am NOT rude or disrespectful. I have been recognized less at work and perhaps lost some friends because of my desire to stand up for myself. But, I’m not necessarily treated more poorly than people who say nothing at all. I’m also not laden with fake friendships where I just allow myself to be abused OR see myself acting like an asshole because I’m so frustrated with another human because of who they are (aka incompatible with me). In other words, I’ve found a life situation that pretty much works for me in most situations.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have a ways to go in terms of learning. My cup is far from full. I am not suggesting that I always get it right, say it right, handle it right. But generally, my desire to speak my truth overrides my desire to be liked or loved. I don’t need to have fake relationships or fake accolades or bullshit surrounding me. That’s not who I really am and the times in my life when I’ve settled for that, I’ve found myself sad. Really sad. Miserable really. It’s been terrible and I’m not anxious to repeat it again, not ever. So, I am finding my way given my approach. My way. It’s not for everyone and I might be criticized, and I then have to decide whether or not those relationships belong in my life long term.
As I said, I spent a good portion of my life believing that allowing someone to be themselves was the equivalent of being a punching bag. Whenever I challenged someone and they said “this is just who I am” or “I want to be comfortable being myself around you, should I not be…,” I folded. I felt instantly guilty and bad and shitty. No more. Those days are behind me, thank goodness. I have no desire to be that way anymore. It doesn’t serve me.
That doesn’t mean I don’t accept people for who they are, it means there are some boundaries to that statement. It does always mean that they have to accept me for who I am or no dice. You have to figure out what works for you. I can’t dictate that for you in any way, shape or form. I can tell you that I do check myself. I sometimes have attitude but for the most part, I’m just wiggling my way through self-acceptance and having a voice. Find a balance between discovering who you are and recognizing how that self exists in the world.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 