Hi there. So, as you can tell from the title, I don’t anticipate writing tomorrow. It is not because I’m fatigued catching up with you here or I’ve run out of things to say. Rather, I am going to tackle a rather meaty topic today and for that reason, I’m going to give you a couple of days to chew on it. To ponder. To consider. To decide where you fall on it all. I’m actually going to write a little more than I usually do, so I’m going to give you some time to actually read all the words.
I had lost touch with someone I was extremely close with as a child. There were several “things” that were the cause of that separation, which are not so important in the processing or understanding of this story. I will get into some of it, but not much. I don’t want us to get lost in the reasons and fail to highlight the point of this tale, which is how we move through hurt and pain and difficulty. How do we forgive when we want to? Not because we are obligated to, but because we have made a choice, the choice. What does that look like?
I want to start by explaining how I felt when things started to unravel. Devastated. I was absolutely gutted. This is, of course, because I am an extraordinarily sensitive person, but also because this person was of great importance to me. This wasn’t a human who had just been in my life in an ancillary kind of way. Yes, I was young, and so the decision to be around this person was essentially made for me. However, I made the choice to jump in with two feet. I gave the relationship my enthusiasm and loyalty. Why? Well, because this person was just an amazing human and my life felt better with them in it. She was someone who I admired, respected, and truly felt a sense of kinship with, all the time. To be clear, this was not the kind of connection that comes being similarly aged or circumstanced at all. This was link created with all the good energy, love, and friendship.
I recognize that I am speaking in the past tense when speaking to her virtues and I want to correct that, but I can’t. I don’t really know her well anymore. It’s not that I think she turned into something or someone else. It’s just that so many years passed where we didn’t talk to one another that I’m not sure who she is today. I used to think that people stayed the same but as much as I’ve changed over the last few years, I just couldn’t hold to that notion anymore. I can’t say that everyone around me has remained ‘as is’ and I am the only one that has changed. Sure, people change differently and it their own way, but they do change. Even if we don’t want to change, the world usually forces an adjustment, a modification. Thus, I’ll acknowledge that she has likely changed and my past tense usage is appropriate. This is not to disparage who she is today. It is to acknowledge that I just don’t know.
I know that last paragraph seemed like an unnecessary side bar, but it’s far from it. I think it’s critical that we acknowledge people change. When we stay firmly planted in the notion that people stay the same, we tend to set ourselves [and them] up for failure and disappointment. It’s a nice idea to say that someone’s heart has remained as is, or they are still the “same, deep down” but that’s just not true. Life changes us, molds us, grows us. Some become lighter, less serious, less attached to consequences. Others become darker, more pessimistic, and more obsessed with outcomes. Many are a combination thereunder. Even if someone’s values remain as they have always been, there is a shift as the world presents an ever-growing number of possibilities and challenges. If we open ourselves to the thought that change is not just possible but probable, we allow ourselves to continuously great reacquainted with the humans around us and accept them (or not) for who they actually are instead of who we want them to be.
Anyway, we had a falling out. We lost touch. I recognized that I had done something hurtful and although I may not have agreed with the level of harm that it caused, that was not my decision to make. It never is really. Each person has the right to feel as they do about anything so if she was irreparably wounded by my behavior, that was/is her right. What would I have changed? Well, I couldn’t have changed the decisions I made because of the reasons I made them (unimportant to the story) but I might have acknowledged them differently. Rather than being defensive and asking that my decisions be accepted without any repercussion or response, I could have apologized for harm that I was causing, given space for that harm to be pondered and processed, but expressed that I hoped the harm wouldn’t be our undoing. The end of our relationship. I don’t know if that would have changed anything at the time or even later, but that is definitely something I know I could have done better. You live, you learn, right? I was young and learning and didn’t quite have the hang of this whole managing relationships business. I mean, I still don’t, but I’m trying a lot harder these days.
Okay, so the relationship crapped out. I tried contacting her some time later and it was not well received. Again I think I could have gotten in touch sooner but due to a combination of malaise and fear, I did no such thing. I got in touch during a difficult time in her life and rather than her appreciating my timing (said with every bit of irony), she was angry. I don’t want to comment on her feelings because I can’t speak to them and again, that’s not the focus here. I am just providing context, or an explanation as to the soul searching and self-reflection that was much needed and absolutely accomplished in my camp. Mind you, this took YEARS. Not a day or a week or a month. YEARS. So if you think you are going to one and done this shit, think again. You will learn and then unlearn like it’s going out of style. You will take three steps forward and a few steps back. You will discover that each new situation requires a new perspective and approach. This is exactly the kind of work I’m always going on and on about.
Anyway, she came into my life years later. As you might have guessed, it was through tragedy. Something awful had occurred within our little circle and just like that, we were face to face. Literally and figuratively. I had a choice to make in that moment. I could lick OLD wounds and stand on ceremony and basically undo all the work I had done, or I could open my heart and mind to a different kind of possibility. I could reinforce all the good progress by understanding that nothing was served being stubborn or unkind or closed-minded. I didn’t commit to a new relationship. I just opened my heart and mind to the idea that there was a possibility. A teeny smidge of maybe.
Does everyone deserve a maybe? Absofreakinglutely NOT. There are people that have blown so far beyond the realm of acceptable that the door is best left shut forever. You don’t need to, nor should you, hold onto anger or resentment for the rest of time, but you also don’t need to reestablish or rekindle certain relationships. They were meant to teach and hopefully they taught, and then, they are over. End of story. Sometimes history and comfort will tease us. We will be invited back into those people’s lives and it’s tempting as hell to crawl back in. I can’t tell you what makes for a ‘hell yes’ and what should prompt a ‘no thanks.’ Generally, if a relationship was more bad than good, that’s a ‘no thanks.’ If someone shown themselves to be callous, unfeeling, cruel, dismissive, or disrespectful, they would have to acknowledge and evidence some serious growth to move towards maybe. If fault was truly on all sides and life presented challenges that are in the rear-view, that can definitely be a maybe. If you have the ability to be in that person’s life in a DIFFERENT way comfortably, that can usually be a yes. Again, no hard and fast rules here. Just a suggestion, a notion, a thought. Don’t just take people for what they say though, watch their actions. That’s the key.
How do we do this? Well, it’s not a dissimilar process from so many others. You have to dig deep and find out where you went awry (it is nearly always two tangoing). You have to acknowledge mistakes you’ve made and how they might have impacted the relationship. The actions of the other human have to be truly forgivable. If you try to dive back in with anger and resentment in your heart, you are facing sure disaster. Trust me, don’t bother. You can’t get to a place of good if you are constantly lobbing past mistake grenades at each other. You also have to realize the changes in both of you and move forward on your new platforms. Oh, and you have to make room for further growth as you navigate around each other and your new lives. You have to be prepared for the new connection to thrive or fail. You cannot be attached to a specific outcome.
These all sound like easy little tasks and ideas, but we all know that is the furthest thing from the truth. This is such a tough process. We have to let go of preconceived notions. We have to be willing to shift our expectations or relegate a relationship or friendship to something less than it may have been in the past. We have to be willing to say goodbye if we discover that a relationship no longer serves us. It’s tempting to keep people around because we once had a bond or there once existed love, but that only serves to keep us treading water…forever. Exhausting and counterproductive.
I have established this tenuous thread of connection with this person and I’m nurturing it right now. Not overboard, not insanity. Just little love snacks. Just to see. Oh, and it took two rounds of coming back, not one. Just so you know. It’s not clear cut and easy. It’s a little blurry and a lot messy. But right now, it’s worth it. And I get to make that decision every day.
The decision you make is yours and yours alone. Just don’t fail to recognize it as a choice. You feel me?
Talk to you soon!
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 