Why hello friends. I hope you all had a nice weekend. I know that I did. It was chock full of friends and family and cooking and well, thinking. In particular, I’ve been thinking about the ‘ers. Huh? Yeah, the ‘ers. Specifically, the enablers, manipulators, martyrs, deniers, and attempters. Thus, this week is going to be something of a five part series. I am going to tackle one of the ‘ers each day until we reach the freakin weekend again.
There are a few disclaimers or admissions that I’d like to share before we dive into the first ‘er, which are as follows: I’ve worn many of these ‘er hats, this is not so much a condemnation as an exploration (though I will throw out some criticism of some), and my selection of ‘ers are just that, a sample. The world is filled with countless ‘ers that I am choosing not to address here. I’m just picking a few that are near and not so dear to my heart.
Part I- Enablers
Woo-whee. Enablers are a sad little bunch. I can say this because I’ve sat in that camp time and time again. The first point that I think is critical to share with you is that enablers come in all shapes and sizes, have vastly different backgrounds, and have different reasons for enabling.
There are mega enablers that tend to blindly enable whomever they come into contact with, regardless of the nature or significance of the relationship. Enabling comes second nature to these folks and they are typically attracted to people that give off vibes of wanting to be saved or rescued in some fashion. Across the board enablers tend to attract and be attracted to wounded birds. Of course, the same can be said for enablers that tend to focus their enabling on romantic relationships or friendships. While we are on that topic, there are folks that only enable people who fall into specific categories in their universe or existence, such as significant other, best friend, parent, etc. In this case, there can be something very specific about that individual, like a parent, or something triggering in the category of relationship, that compels the enabling.
I am not a mental health professional, as you all know, so I am only making the aforementioned statements and my next statement from my place of experience. Context. I am sure there are varying and differing points of view, but I am still going to share what I think, as I always do.
I’ve not found that there is a one-size-fits-all background for the enabler. It would be easy to claim that enablers come from upbringings where enabling is evidenced or learned. Sure, that’s probably true in several cases. In my case, I certainly witnessed some hard core enabling. However, there is a case to be made from the emergence of enabling later in life for ten thousand other reasons. I’ve seen some of the most dedicated enablers emerge from home situations where no such behavior was present. In fact, I might argue that the enabling occurred for that very reason. What do I mean by that? Well some folks were raised SO independent that they crave a different interaction. They want to give to others what they themselves feel was lacking. They desire to show the target of their enabling that they can love more and love better than they feel they received.
I want to be very clear here when I say that I am not necessarily referring to an abusive home where neglect or violence was present. Of course, that is a distinct possibility and enabling can result from those interactions without question. Any upbringing, even a ‘healthy’ one whereas someone is encouraged to stand on their own two feet from a young age, can trigger enabling behavior with particular personalities.
And the reasons for enabling? Oh wow, the sky is the limit. People enable because they are arrogant (the ol’ ‘I can do it better than you/anyone’ paradigm). People enable because they are OCD or have general control issues, whereas enabling another human provides some mechanism to control an outcome that is otherwise mysterious. People enable because they don’t know healthier ways to show love or affection or they desire to receive love and affection and believe enabling to be the only way to ‘incent’ another human to provide that kind of emotional feedback. As you might imagine, the list goes on from here. There are many, many reasons why people enable.
We’ve gotten that down pat, so let’s ask a question to get to the heart of the matter here. Is there healthy enabling? Um, no. Is there a level of enabling that is ‘okay’ in certain situations? No, not really. Is there enabling that won’t hurt the enabler or the enabled? Not that I am aware of. Bottom line is that enabling is unhealthy, not great, and tends to hurt everyone involved.
Enabling DISABLES the enabled from living their life with grit and effort and dedication. There is a cycle that begins and is perpetuated when enabling occurs whereas the enabled begins to look to the enabler every time they have to handle something. They don’t problem solve or dig in. They just relent and release and give up. Here’s the craziest part…they often begin to resent their enabler. Read that again. They rely on this human for all the things and yet, they begrudge them. Yowza, right?
Are there enabling relationships that stand the test of time? Sure are. Are they healthy and balanced relationships? Def not. That just doesn’t exist. This is one situation where I will not encourage story telling. Anyone can spin a tale to demonstrate how ‘this one time’ but the bottom line is that enabling is destructive. It fosters a negative sort of interdependence that presents challenges to the enabled-enabler relationship and often times, every other relationship that exists outside of it. It’s a big messy clusterfuck.
So how do we extract ourselves if we are enablers?
Well, there are a variety of methods and I’ve tried them all. I recommend them all. Peruse the buffet of options and then choose one or two that best suit your personality. You can go cold turkey. Decide today that you won’t enable ____ anymore. Start with one person or one category or go across the board. Either way, anyway, this is hard as shit. Much like quitting anything in this fashion, it takes tremendous, almost inhuman willpower. Sometimes cold turkey requires breaking away from that person or category of relationship for a time period as the desire to enable is too strong to stay resolute in the face of that human(s).
What else? Well, you can get help. You can avail yourself of one of the magical and amazing mental health professionals out there. If you are enabling someone with an addiction (gambling, drugs, drinking), there are specific groups to assist you with that very specific experience. Otherwise, there are many, many people out there that can help with your kind of enabling.
You can admit your behavior to a close friend (maybe one who has identified this issue before) and tell them you wish to stop and keep yourself accountable using that human. They have to be willing to take on this responsibility and that has to be super clear from the get-go.
Again, just a few options. As an aside, this advice goes for the enabled too. If you tend to wear that pair of coddling shoes, I would suggest the same recourse, generally.
You can remain an enabler (or enabled person) but you should examine your behavior. Before you resign yourself to that life or thought process or behavior, you should admit to yourself that you are doing it, see the pros (if they exist) and cons, and then decide to be all in once that analysis is complete.
I don’t often tell you what to do, but I’m going to break protocol when it comes to this five part ‘er series. Try not to be an enabler or enabled. Try and find a different path. Do it on your own, get help, whatever works best FOR YOU. But yeah, choose differently.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 