Day 103- Part II.

Part II- Manipulators

Hi there. Welcome to Part II of the ‘er series. Today we will be discussing manipulators. I know it doesn’t serve any purpose, but I think it is critical that I separate myself from this category of person. There is a very specific reason for that and it is probably not what you think. Or maybe it is.

When I was in the throes of my gaslighting experience with my ex, he often accused me of being manipulative. My guilt over that identification helped him keep me dangling at the end of his insane and dysfunctional string. In other words, I believed him and for some time, believed myself to be manipulative. I felt awful that the world perceived me as calculating and controlling and in order to repent for such terrible behavior on my part, I sought my ex’s approval. I wanted him to see how badly I felt and how hard I was trying to change and pat me on the head and tell me I was going to be just fine. We were going to be just fine.

Yes, it was fucked to the most extreme degree. But, I feel like you need to hear that, read that, so that you fully understand how unbelievably damaging manipulation can be. You see, I was manipulated into believing that I was a manipulator. How? Well, when I raised my hand and brought up something that I found troubling or difficult, he would just tell me that I was overreacting or making difficulty where none existed. I was rocking the boat on smooth waters. I was looking for drama. I was trying to control our interaction or influence his feelings through guilt or misrepresentation of the facts. Hell to the no people. That was not happening at all, but I was so sucked into his world and his emotional vortex that I couldn’t see up from down.

I am going to tie back to my experience so that I make this ‘discussion’ relatable, but I’ve for some time been a fan of the article on identifying a manipulator that ‘Exploring Your Mind’ published a few years ago. The author presented seven distinct and easy to understand identifiers that I think are spot-on and I’d like to share them, along with my personal knowledge and history (available at: https://exploringyourmind.com). Here goes nothing…

1. The ability to make you feel guilty: I already expanded upon this a little, but boy-oh-boy is this a killer for me. My ex relied upon self-victimization to prompt feelings of guilt. It would look like me being told that he was trying so hard to be a good boyfriend and there was just no pleasing me. I was always making him feel like a bad partner and a terrible person. You understand why this is the start of manipulation, yes? If I feel like my words or actions (aka the attempt to discuss something difficult or make someone accountable) are unjustly painting someone as “bad”, I might cease and desist. Immediately.
2. Subtle threats: My ex would constantly threaten to leave me. Well, if you are unhappy maybe we should just break up… What a mind fuck. I was obviously terrified of that result and that was not what I was looking for. I only wanted to tackle what I thought was “wrong”, but with that threat floating between us, I often backed off and away. Again, immediately.
3. Devaluing through belittling or sarcasm: Whatever I brought up was mocked or put down. I was often told that I was making a mountain out of a molehill or blowing a topic out of proportion unnecessarily. Since I believed my feelings were ridiculous, I was less apt to voice them.
4. Charm: My ex was charming as fuck. Even as he was threatening to leave me or telling me my feelings were ridiculous, he was doing so effortlessly and with a smile. These slights can only be delivered effectively during a manipulation if there is some modicum of charm involved. Charisma intimidates, appeals, and disarms. In other words, it makes someone ripe for the pickin’.
5. Self-proclaimed judge and jury for every scenario: This is particularly important in a gaslighting situation. If someone isn’t perceived or felt to be important and/or able to be in a position to pass judgment, someone might be less inclined to listen to what they have to say. Only someone who is ‘valid’ to another human will be capable of that kind of mind molding. As my ex was my significant other, I valued his opinion on, well, everything. He was my go-to.
6. Smooth talkers with an easy time changing the topic: Manipulation is most effective when someone has the ability to talk quickly, affirmatively, and/or intelligently. I say and/or intelligently because I’ve witnessed less than intelligent folks successfully attempt manipulation. Fast talkers, positions of authority, and topic shifters are often very well-versed as spinning someone around so they can’t remember what they were saying to begin with. I was often put off from whatever I was attempting to talk about or overshadowed by my ex’s bold personality in such a way that I threw in the towel before I even really began.
7. Happy to place blame on your shoulders: This is the shit people. This is it. A manipulator will make you think that whatever it is you are trying to discuss or fix is entirely your fault. Even if the blame should more appropriately be shared (I actually prefer to call it accountability and not fault), the master manipulator will place the whole load on your shoulders. If you’ve been following me for some time, you know that my ex loved the shit out of this one. He would constantly tell me that the issues in our relationship were 100% attributable to one thing that I did some time ago in our relationship. This one accusation and loyalty to such, extracted him from taking responsibility for anything in our relationship, or even sharing responsibility with me. I was at fault for everything and thus, had no right to complain or voice an opinion. Period, end of story.

When you read these identifiers, are you finding yourself harkening back to an experience with someone where you encountered one or more of these items? Perhaps if you are honest with yourself, you would more appropriately identify as the perpetuator of these actions and feelings, rather than the recipient. Either way, no good. No fucking good.

While manipulation can yield purported positives for each side (getting his/her way on the manipulator’s side of the house, with little to no responsibility and so-called peace on the side of the manipulated), the end result is disastrous. Manipulation creates falsehoods on every level. Any result of a manipulation requires constant upkeep and effort as it isn’t really real. That’s a whole lot of energy put into a situation that is clearly fucked up.

So, how do you break away from manipulating or being manipulated? First, you identify that it’s occurring (see basic items above) and then, you avail yourself of any one of the suggestions from the first ‘er. Yeah, that’s right. Separation from the ‘ers will all be accomplished using the same strategies. Do it yourself, rely on a friend or trusted adviser for help, and/or seek professional help.

Here is what I will tell you. You don’t deserve to be manipulated. You have no right to manipulate another human. The best method for handling a manipulator is to keep as much distance between you and them as is humanly possible, in whatever way you can. Don’t accept the blame they shell out, rely on yourself as an authority in what feels good or bad for YOU, and be brave. Moving away from manipulation is so hard, but so worth it. So yeah, do the work.

Talk to you tomorrow.

L.