Part III- Martyrs
Ah. One of my favorite ‘ers. I’ve never been one of these ‘ers. Why? Well, I’m too difficult. Too ornery. Too much of a challenge. My elbows are too sharp. Anyway, I’m speaking from a place of having interacted with martyrs, not having been one. I’ve interacted with all sorts of martyrs, professionally and personally. I don’t remember who said it, but I know you’ve likely seen that quote that speaks to martyrdom being the beginning of something and not the end, right? That just makes me so goddamn angry.
Forgive me if you are religiously inclined and you find my thoughts sacrilegious. Although I am not a huge fan of religion, as you well know by now, it is not my intention to be disrespectful to the institutions of religion or those who are devout followers. I recognize that there is a martyrdom aspect to many different religions and to the best of your ability, I’m going to ask you to separate from those notions, ideals, and stories. Why? Well, because I am talking about a different type of martyr. And in the discussion of the type of martyr I am referring to, it is important that I share with you that I feel strongly it is an end, and not a beginning. You aren’t opening up a whole new world when you take on a role of martyr. To the contrary, you are running head first into a brick wall.
The types of martyrs that I am referring to are constantly taking one for the team. They are consistently placing themselves in the seat of victim to make a point of some kind. That point might simply be that they are taking blame or heat away from other humans (i.e. coworkers, significant others, etc.) or it could be that they want to paint themselves as a certain kind of person. The common thread no matter the expression of martyrdom is that the folks that act in this fashion are consistently placing themselves in harm’s way for what they believe to be or profess to be the greater good.
Well, that sounds kind of great, doesn’t it? If someone feels really strongly about something, a thought, a cause, an action, isn’t it kind of amazing that they would lay down and face possible harm to make a point or achieve an end? Nope.
I kind of love a particular Oscar Wilde quote and I think it is the perfect time to share it so that I can explain exactly what I’m talking about here. “A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.” Um, ‘splain, no? Well, martyrdom makes it so that there is a certain credibility (in theory) given to ‘the cause’ and the person behind that cause. Right? There is a thought that if someone is willing to be hurt or destroyed in the quest for ____, that thing must be sound and sincere. But, is that really true? Or is this just another form of dysfunctional behavior?
Sorry kids, but I’m inclined towards the latter association or thought process. I think the kind of martyrdom that I am referring to is deeply flawed and misguided behavior. I think that we can passionately fight for the things we believe in and support without deliberately putting ourselves in a terrible position. Someone who stands up for what’s right is not a martyr. In fact, the most successful advocates and activists I know couldn’t be further from the label of martyr. They are not looking for accolades or meaning in their life in that fashion. They are simply dedicated. The martyr will make certain that those around him or her acknowledge what they have sacrificed and how they have been harmed or maligned in the doing of _____. They want the world to know what they have done in a very real way. Without that acknowledgment they feel empty and forgotten about. They have no reason to do what they are doing without the world clapping.
Okay, so is that personality really harmful to others? It can be. It is, as you might realize, most harmful to the person cast in the role as a martyr. They are often putting the needs of others before themselves in a way that is wholly destructive. They believe that their actions and behavior will serve the greater good. Things will be more peaceful, lively, happy, and pleasing to all if they do the done thing.
There are people who are martyrs in teeny little ways. The person who never sits the fuck down at a party ever and doesn’t fail to tell anyone who asks that they were exhausted because they didn’t sit down, but had to do it in order to best serve the guests at whatever celebration or meal was happening. The person who stays in a difficult or abusive relationship because they are afraid that their partner will spiral out, self-harm, or be alone. But, they don’t fail to tell people what a dedicated and selfless partner they are. The person who consistently works late and does too much at work to make sure that others aren’t put in a position to…well…do their own damn jobs. Okay, to be fair, I’ve been that person before. I have. Although, I tend not to broadcast it. I don’t go around bragging about what a fucking awesome employee I am and all the back-breaking work that I do. I just offer myself up as a human sacrifice so that others don’t have to put in that extra tidbit of energy or effort. You get it now? Totally fucked up. No good. Very bad. Truly.
Martyrs don’t just hurt themselves. They damage the people around them by letting them off the hook constantly. They will often also damage the relationships that they have because people will take them for granted. Rather than appreciating their sacrifice or contribution, they will begin to expect such behavior and any deviation from that line will be met with criticism and resistance. Bah, that’s just way too yucky for my taste.
Same treatment here as anything else. Talk to someone. Talk to yourself. Self-reflect. Ask yourself who your martyrdom is serving. Yourself? Bet not. Ask who you are really helping. The people you let off the hook? No sir/m’am. Are you filling the hole you feel with this behavior? Maybe, maybe not. I’ll bet that if you sought the cause of that hole, you’d have an easier time closing it forever without existing to be a human sacrifice. Just saying.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
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