Part IV- Deniers
Denial. A good friend of mine for a very, very long time. I felt so comfortable in denial for as long as I can remember. It was actually staggering how little truth I had the desire to see. It was so much easier to employ the cognitive biases I had available at my little fingertips to separate my reality from the truth.
Why? Less painful. Required less energy. Avoided sadness (um no, but I thought this was true). Avoided change (definitely not, merely delayed it). Denial just felt better, feels better. Well, it doesn’t actually feel better long term but it feels fucking fantastic in the moment. It feels safe when the world feels anything but safe.
There are so many different forms of denial but in the most basic sense, when we deny, we fail to acknowledge what is the reality that is right in front of us. I can speak for myself and also friends and family members that have expressed to me why they have employed denial at different times in life.
Let’s start with a current event to change it up and then we can move into personal relationships, my forte for how grandiosely I’ve fucked them up over my lifetime.
How many people have you spoken to or read about that are denying that pervasive and systemic racism exist in our society? There are many reasons for this but here are a few to get things kicked off: racism (yeah, I know, ironic but true), discomfort, lack of desire to be educated, ignorance, and belief in or support of a person or party that disclaims that reality. None of these reasons are acceptable. I mean, they are true and real but unacceptable.
Here’s the fact that might blow your mind and is certainly going to blow your preconceived notions to shit- someone’s denial of a thing doesn’t make it not so. What does that mean? Well, just because we refuse to see something that exists does not mean it fails to exist. It simply means that we are going to have to constantly exert ourselves to keep up the falsehood that we’ve created in the face of a reality we refuse to accept. We will have to constantly seek evidence, or said more appropriately, mold facts around us to act as evidence, that the thing we’ve denied is untrue.
For racists, they will seek evidence that the world is just for people of color in this country. They will point to people of color that have reached a certain level of success. They will also drum up as much negativity as possible to act as a deterrent on the proving of racism. If you claim the justice system is fucked for people of color, they will point to black criminals that they heard about on the news. If you claim that education is not available in the same way for people of color, they will show you a black person that achieved the highest level of education possible. They will rest their laurels on these strongholds and hope beyond hope that they stand strong in the face of opposition. Exhausting. Misguided.
In my relationships, I desperately and pathetically denied that there were fundamental issues in my relationships that should have prompted their demise and also, that my partners were unfaithful. I refused to see both of these realities time and again. Why? Well, the truths were so painful that I believed my denial of such would be an easier path to take. After the shit hit the fan, I realized that the facing of the facts was brutally painful at first but far less painful in the long run. Acceptance of the truth would have allowed me to make better decisions for myself proactively. Being proactive rather than reactive would have enabled me to take some control over my emotional life and not just be swayed in the violent wind of the storms I created for myself. I am saying this like it is easy. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. What is? Well, making a commitment to be an eyes-wide-open kind of gal instead of someone who buries my head in the sand.
I no longer make excuses. I refuse to pretend any longer. I have difficult conversations, voice challenging opinions, and risk losing people. All the damn time. I identify red flags and do the work to determine how scary and damaging those flags are in the greater scheme of things. Are they ‘run for the hills’ worthy or more ‘let’s fix this shit’ situations? I ask those questions now and when I answer them, I do so without worrying what the consequences are short term. Rather, I think about the long-term affect.
The same should be done in the face of racism or any other issue our society is plagued with at this time or any time. It is easy to deny the reality of issues such as racism. Well, easy as a white person to do so. But you know what? That’s unkind. Unjust. It’s bullshit. If we as a society enable folks to deny the reality of a situation that so clearly exists, we are saying that we are comfortable with it lasting. Continuing. Existing forever more. I’m not. Not on any level. So you know what I do now? I skip the softener. Huh? Yeah. I don’t blanket or pad my words with nicer language or explanations. There is no need to explain why something might be understood because it shouldn’t be. No matter the reason, racism is not a justifiable state of mind or expression of behavior. You feel me? We don’t need to make it nicer so people can swallow it.
This applies across the board. There is no ‘he cheated on me because I was too hard on him’ or ‘that person was killed because he was black but he was also a criminal.’ None of that shit. We don’t need to deny the reality of anything. We need to open our eyes, face the world, and go from there. You don’t have to start or participate in a revolution (though I highly recommend it), but the moving away from denial WILL have a revolutionary impact on your world. I promise you that.
Start today. Decide to face the truth. Even if it’s painful. Even if it sucks. Even if it necessitates change. You don’t have to make those changes today. You don’t have to shoulder all that pain today. It will put you on the path to better. That much I promise.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 