Hey there. Happy Monday. I didn’t set out to make these last few weeks “serial” in nature, but somehow they turned out that way. It’s not necessarily a surprise to me when my brain functions this way because I think most of us have this or a similar cognitive or information-processing technique. I like to call it the YouTube black hole syndrome. Huh? Yeah. You know…when you are either sent or look up something that plays on YouTube (pick anything- a song video, a news story, a recipe demonstration, a makeup tutorial) and then you find yourself endlessly clicking on the suggested videos that YouTube has cleverly placed below. This has to have happened to you at least once, no? Black hole. I started with a perfectly executed souffle and it’s three hours later and I’m watching someone remove watch links at home. How did I get there? Nobody really knows. YouTube marketed the fuck out of me. It six degrees of Kevin Bacon’d me. How were they successful in doing so? Well, for the most part the brain welcomes new information, particularly if it’s interesting, serves a purpose, and is relatively easy to digest.
So, when I begin the process of self-reflection and zero in on any one particular topic, my brain will naturally seek and scoop up anything that relates even peripherally to where I started. My subconscious craves and endlessly searches for information that reinforces and supports or negates my point of reference. I look for contextual clues. I gravitate towards anything that could be considered part of the ripple effect.
Thus, when I had a rather intense discussion with one of my best friends about dating, I found myself thinking of ALL the things dating related. Our chat was somewhat localized but the implications were further reaching and so, I went there. Why not, right? I would argue that migrating away from the desire to stay contained in my thinking actually offers the opportunity to learn bigger and most important lessons. Why choose to jump over one hurdle when you can operate in a way that is conducive to winning the whole race?
Great, bully for me, I’ve had a lightbulb moment. What’s it to you? Well, I’d like to share my revelations. I’d like to start a conversation; a rather massive one that resides well outside of me and my friend. I’d like to make myself a little uncomfortable by discussing a topic that I really struggle with in the hopes that my expression will help me to understand a little better. A little deeper. And then, so might you.
To give you the opportunity to pick and choose your communications at this point, I’d like to detail each day’s “chapter”. Here goes…
Monday: Dating Discussion Part I- Expectations
Tuesday: Dating Discussion Part II- Communication
Wednesday: Dating Discussion Part III- Responsibility
Thursday: Dating Discussion Part IV- The Grind
Friday: Dating Discussion Part V- My F*ck It List
I want to really jump start today’s discussion by clarifying an important point (or managing your expectations if you can stand the ironic pun). I am not really going to consider the implications of COVID in these posts. Thus, I am not really going to talk about the moves necessary to keep yourself safe during these trying and scary times. Although I might typically argue the opposite, any lack of information on that topic is not reflective of reluctance on my part. Nor does it mean that I don’t think such things are wildly important. I am very upfront about my feelings on the virus (it DOES exist, you SHOULD wear a mask) and not even remotely hesitant to manage my social engagements based on what makes me feel safe and considers my fellow humans. The topics I am going to take on over the next five days are representative of my emotional response to the entire situation that is dating today.
My friend was sharing with me that he had picked up a woman in a professional office he recently had need to be in. She was attractive (very much so) and friendly, and so he asked for her number. She was receptive to his attention and that was that. I won’t get too far in the weeds because I’d like to be respectful to his situation but I will tell you that he identified for me what he was looking to get out of an interaction with her and also expressed that he had a feeling that she might be looking for something different.
I am going to try and stay on topic here, but I think you will see where this subject blends nearly seamlessly with the next two days (and the two days thereafter, for that matter).
As something of a throw-away comment, I mentioned to him that I supposed there were different expectations that exist or maybe should exist (um, wrong) when someone is picked up at work versus being asked out on a dating site. He immediately disputed my line of thinking with something of a solid argument that simultaneously brought me to his way of thinking and regenerated some of the disappointment I generally feel in my fellow humans.
He argued that whether you are picked up in a supermarket, an office, or off a dating website, the expectation should not vary. At all. People are all looking for something different and until you’ve had a moment of clarification, there was really no point in thinking that you are on the same page as another human. I agreed on some level but pointed out that dating sites allowed folks to state what they are looking for, right up front. Again, I was challenged. “But, do they? Do people actually share what they are looking for? If someone puts that they are looking for a LTR (long term relationship) on a dating site, does that necessarily mean that they are looking for that with YOU?” I paused to consider his words before I responded.
He wasn’t wrong. On top of the reality that many people might not disclose what they are looking for, others might express looking for something but then it still takes time to discover if they want that with you (versus someone else), and then of course there are the people that outright lie about it. Giving some the benefit of the doubt, albeit a small number of folks, I would say that sometimes people think they want something but ultimately, they aren’t capable of it or don’t really want it. They aren’t being malicious or deceitful. They are just not very in touch with their inner selves. On the other hand, the world does house a good number of manipulative pieces of shit. Humans that tell other humans what they think they want to hear or need to hear in order to get what they want.
Is this topic just a circular reference back to my sentiment that we can’t really have expectations of anyone but ourselves? Yes, sort of. But also, not.
If I were to absorb everything my friend said in our conversation at face value, mix in my own experiences, and throw on top of all of that my general understanding of the universe, I might feel a little disappointed. Or a lot. A lot disappointed. I might feel like there is no point in trying to meet people because it is all just a giant crap shoot. Right. That’s what it is. And this DOES go back to what I’ve talked about before. Do you remember when I told you that you had to have a sense of humor while dating? I meant it. You do. I mean, you kind of need a sense of humor even once you are in a relationship.
Here’s the harsh reality that people will sometimes label as pessimism. People lie. People manufacture. People change their minds. People want all different things and sometimes they want all of those things at once. People take advantage of other people. People are often quite selfish and self-directed. I know. That sucks to read, but it’s really true. It’s not gloomy or doomsday. It’s just the way the world works. The sooner you can accept that, the more likely you are to thrive in the dating world.
My friend with whom I had that conversation has not found the right person just yet but has seemingly mastered the art of dating. Why? He knows what he wants from the different people he meets and he doesn’t expect that they will want the same thing. He seeks that understanding and then reacts accordingly. I don’t have the stomach for that right now (that is an important realization too; more on that later) but it’s good to be armed with that information.
So, we come back to square one-ish. Decide what it is that you are looking for and stick with it. That’s the best chance you have at moving forward with all of this. Even if you are like me and you are throwing in the towel for a hot minute, it’s still good to understand for yourself why you are moving in that direction. Make sense?
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 