Hey. Hope I didn’t leave you feeling too rain cloud-ish yesterday. That was not my intention at all. I’m not trying to drag anyone down or give anyone a bleak perspective on humans or dating or anything of the like. What I’m discovering is that the more I learn, the more I understand, the better chance I have of coming out of this thing unscathed.
What do I mean by that? Well, the most harm I’ve caused myself or the most damage that’s been caused by others, has been the direct result of ignoring or avoiding acceptance of the truth. Reality. My friends who are suffering right now are mostly suffering because they refuse to see the reality in front of them. We’ve talked about that trait or habit before so I don’t think we need a revisit quite this soon. I think you all get it. It’s like throwing a party knowing destructive crashers are going to attend. You can do it anyway and hope to just enjoy the time before the insanity ensues, or you can make a proactive decision that helps minimize the exposure, the injury. Either way, the choice IS yours for the making.
Anyway, there is a subtopic that links seamlessly with the discussion on expectations in dating or relationships. Two really, but we are going to start with communication. The same friend who reminded me how to approach expectations of others also advised me that it’s not enough to manage one’s expectations of others and know what YOU want. You also have to be ballsy enough to communicate your wants. You cannot expect (there’s that word again) others to just know what you are thinking or feeling.
I know that statement feels like a ‘duh’ moment, but it isn’t. Even when we say that we don’t expect others to know our true thoughts or sentiments, we find ways to make them guess. What I mean is that the guessing game can be triggered by something as simple as not being completely straightforward in the explanation of how you feel about something. If I say to someone that I usually don’t like to do something. They might hear that I usually don’t like to do something but I’m willing to make them and a particular situation an exception. You might have just laughed out loud on that one, but it’s the truth. As we’ve explored before, people often hear what they want to hear. Thus, it’s incumbent on us to speak clearly and truthfully, without cushioning language that might lead to confusion or reinforce a reliance on the preferred truth (the one that isn’t actually real).
In the same way, I might express sadness or anger in a situation and my significant other or partner or potential partner might think that my upset has everything to do with that ONE instance. They won’t generalize and understand that I would always be upset under similar circumstances. That might feel way too general for you so I am going to try and get a bit more specific. You are speaking with a significant other and they tell you that you talking to someone else (perhaps another human of the opposite sex) doesn’t make them comfortable. You decide that it is just because of the nature of the conversation, the person involved, or other moving variables. Therefore, you are surprised when they are upset over a completely different interaction with that same human. You didn’t realize that all communication was unwelcome, because you decided that it was just the very specific set of circumstances that existed in the first communication. You’ve molded reality to suit your needs and wants. That’s fine except that it is not conducive to carrying on a healthy and honest relationship. It has you jumping from one tormented branch where you are defending yourself to another.
This is not about ‘dumbing something down’ (that expression…ugh). This is about stating in clear, concise, and easily understood language exactly what it is you want and need from another person. If they are respectful of your needs and wants and you are seemingly on the same page, brilliant. If not, it will give you what you need to hopefully justify moving on.
This is about effective communication.
So, when is it appropriate to communicate? If you remember, my friend told me that we cannot have expectations of others. He also told me that talking about what you are looking for is a key piece of moving the mountain. You can only know, if you know. He told me that as early as the first text messages or phone calls with a person, you can put out there what you are looking for. He also told me that you have to be conscious of how “aggressively” you communicate because even if you are on the same page with another human, that can turn them off or scare them away.
Are you sick yet? I was. I am. It was such an annoying part of our conversation. If I’m honest, much of the conversation was difficult for me to have, or stomach, and yet this bit took the cake.
Have standards, but don’t have expectations. Have needs and wants, and communicate those needs and wants at any time to make sure you are on the same page, but don’t too it too early for fear of spooking the person or too late for fear of waiting too long. Be the Goldilocks of expectations and relationships. Find a middle ground that no one can describe except in really generic and vague terms. You know what I feel and hear when I process that information? Play all the games. Good luck. God speed. This shit sucks. Do your best. No one knows.
Ha. Anyone feel me on that one?
There’s no need to go that extreme. I don’t agree with my friend in some of what he said, mostly because we are different in our approach. He might be more successful in avoiding drama, but I am living MY most authentic life and so I can’t be too wrapped up in what works for someone else. You know what I mean? So, this is my best advice. These are my thoughts:
Be honest. Be real. Tell people what you need. If they aren’t giving you what you need, tell them again. Only tell them twice. If you have to say it more than twice, you should consider your options. Be flexible but not so flexible as you lose your way. Don’t be afraid to lose people. Don’t be afraid to be alone. Don’t settle. Ever. Don’t mold yourself to what someone else wants because you want them. You can try something out but if it isn’t working, don’t be scared to admit that to yourself and then to the other person involved. You CAN say things like ‘I thought you wanted something different’, ‘I thought you were different’, or ‘I thought we were good together’. You should NOT say things like ‘why doesn’t s/he just know?’ or ‘I guess that’s okay’ or ‘I know we want different things but I know s/he’ll change his/her mind after a while.’ But if you are going to say those things (or like things), just be prepared to hurt a little, or a lot. It’s your life and your heart. Also, it’s your mouth…so why not open it and let the truth spill out?
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 