The conversation with my friend that was the basis of well, this entire week’s chats, went off the rails at some point. Not for him, but for me. I know exactly what that point was because I remember feeling kind of bummed and experiencing that bad belly feeling that comes when I’m hearing something that starts to shift how I see someone or something (there’s those pesky expectations again).
We had gotten through our chat about expectations and communication fairly smoothly. A few bumps along the way but in a way that was typical to our conversations. You know, the man/woman difference, the different humans’ difference, and so on and so forth. Then he said something that resonated with me in the way that a drum beat does when you have a screaming headache. Painfully.
We were talking about the failure of people to communicate effectively from time to time and how that might be impactful on a relationship. I suggested that sometimes someone might not know exactly how to articulate themselves, due to fear or apprehension. There are times someone fails to communicate what they want and need because they haven’t mastered the skill yet. That said, there is enough information available for the two people involved to understand what each other is looking for. My friend shared with me that it is entirely the responsibility of each person to look out for themselves. Literally, every man for himself.
I didn’t disagree with that sentiment on its face, with a small caveat. Although I agree that the responsibility ultimately resides with each human, I shared that it was a kindness and a human sort of thing to be mindful of someone else’s feelings and when a divide is identified, perhaps kowtow to it, if you will, rather than ignoring it altogether. He vehemently disagreed. And you know what my friends? He isn’t alone. I was speaking with a close female friend recently who has expressed similar sentiments.
You know what I’m referring to, right? Have I described it well enough? This is what it looks like in the most basic terms: I know what I want. If someone else doesn’t want the same things, it’s their responsibility to say so. Even if I know we want different things, it’s not my job to fix it for that other human. If they get hurt, it is their fault and their fault alone.
Sure. Yes. That still sucks where I’m concerned. It does. I fully understand the concept of responsibility and more accurately, accountability. I am well versed in the art of owning my shit. Here’s the thing. I know that I should have walked away from my ex when it became apparent that he wasn’t going to give me what I was seeking. However, I was weak and sad and hadn’t done nearly enough growing at that point. I just couldn’t do it. He knew that. He did. I didn’t have to fucking say it. I broached the topic a thousand times and he shut me down. As soon as he put a wall up, I backed down. I didn’t express that I had changed my mind or was suddenly fine, I just got really quiet. Regretful. Sad. Scared. He witnessed all of this and knew. I KNOW he knew. There was no maybe here or benefit of the doubt. It was crystal fucking clear. Therefore, I wish he had just been a decent human being and set me free. Earlier. Before the cheating and the lying and the egregious emotional harm. You feel me?
I cannot hold him responsible for the bad decisions that I made. I cannot even place blame on him for what inevitably happened between us. I can say that he acted like an uncaring, selfish, shitty human. I can definitely say that. I have said that. I will say that. He wasn’t responsible for me, but if he cared beyond an inch in front of his face, maybe he would have made different decisions. Maybe he would have considered my feelings when he acted. Maybe I wouldn’t have been collateral damage. We would have ended. We might have even ended badly, but I wouldn’t have lost so much time. I own my part in that, but I can also say that I think he sucked. Sucks.
My friend disagreed with me until I brought up my relationship. He tried to debate some of the finer parts with me and then seemed to get a bit unnerved by how personal I had made it. I could read that he wanted to stand his ground and go forth with the statements he had made, but on some level, he realized that doing so was condemning me. What a pickle. But isn’t that what THIS is all about?
We can make rules and doctrine. We can come up with appropriate behaviors and whatnot, but they should be universally applied across the board. You can’t exempt yourself or your bestie. Everyone has to be touched up with the same brush. You know what I mean by that? I believe he started to recognize that what I was saying was not from a place of reason or rational thought or fact. Of course, there are textbook approaches to everything in life. But life is not a textbook. It’s a messy, sloppy, living, breathing entity. Just like the humans that live it. So, black and white is not always a useful filter. Sometimes we have to dive into the gray.
I knew I wasn’t going to change his mind and I didn’t want to. The reason I expressed how I was feeling was pretty simple. I think a lot of people I know feel similarly to him. I already mentioned one close girlfriend, and two others come to mind that might not immediately agree if I described the conversation, but have expressed sentiments about their relationships that demonstrate agreement. I know this is something that people believe because…drum roll…a lot of people are selfish.
Yowza. Yeah. That’s the truth guys. It’s the same reason people won’t wear a mask or say ‘I’m sorry’ instead of ‘excuse me’ or ‘just don’t want to hear it.’ They want to stay in the bubble that best serves them. They don’t want to see the consequences or impact of their actions and behavior because then they might be tempted to shift it and the truth is, they don’t want to.
So, where do I go from here? Where do you go if you happen to be a little or a lot like me? Well, you do you. I know that I say this all the time but it’s the truth. I’ve been hurt a bunch lately by all different people close to me. I’m shutting down and backing off a little. I’m keeping things a little closer to my heart and a little further away from public consumption of any kind. I’m accepting for the hundredth time that people are selfish and understanding that this doesn’t make them awful people automatically. They might be shitty, but maybe they aren’t at all. Maybe they are mostly good with a heaping tablespoon of selfish. That’s okay. I don’t need to change people to protect myself. I need to change ME. And that, my sweet readers, takes us to tomorrow’s topic.
Talk to you then.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 