The grind? What do I mean by that? I mean the work that needs to get done to process all the thoughts and feelings I’ve shared and make the changes to protect myself. People protect themselves in all different ways. Some people use drugs or drinking or other vices. Some people sleep a lot. Some people self-handicap where they lash out and do all the things before it can be done to them. Some people shut down. Some people, like myself, mostly avoiding self-protection. Or at least I did historically. That sucks though. I mean really, what a fucking piss poor decision. Why? Well, I thought it would be obvious by now. No one else is going to protect your heart so if you aren’t doing it, it’s likely not going to happen.
I can’t say that the methods of self-protection that I just shared are fruitless. That’s unfair. Different methods and techniques work for different personality types and hearts. I’ve tried some of those approaches and not others. I have found that generally, they don’t work for me. You know what does? Processing. Thinking. Struggling. Examining. Being honest. Being raw. Being real.
You know what reaction I get from friends when I’ve been bold enough to share this approach? I’m usually told that I’m being too hard on myself. That I need to chill out. Nah. Not even close. That’s the thing, no one can really understand your journey but you. Not really. Some folks, particularly professionals, can get close enough to provide support or guidance, but even then, it’s a wish and a prayer and best efforts. I’m not trying to beat myself up or criticize myself. I’m trying to understand why I have made or make decisions that ultimately hurt me. Sometimes that exploration looks ugly on the outside. It looks harsh and tough and unproductive. It’s not. It’s what is required to get to the change that needs to get done.
You can try and change without that examination but I’ve learned something the hard way (and I’ve heard and witnessed similar results with and from others), it just doesn’t stick that way. You know what I mean by that? It doesn’t. It might feel or look like something has changed but it hasn’t. You may have shifted something with one person or in one situation but when something similar arises in another relationship or situation, you will default to that thing that you didn’t really face.
Okay. So the work. It sucks. It does. It feels bad. I cried during my workout cool down. It wasn’t depressing or awful. It was necessary. I was letting myself feel shitty. I was sad. I was mournful of the ways in which I have failed me lately. That is not cause for celebration. Not ever. I don’t give myself pats on the back because I’m just surviving. I feel amazing when I’ve explored what I need to, decide what needs to get done, and then manage to accomplish it. That feels fucking awesome. That’s the stuff right there.
I wasn’t being unnecessarily self-deprecating or throwing a pity party. That’s something else altogether. Those ‘wah me’ moments can happen, but that doesn’t mean you are doing the work. It just means you are feeling sorry for yourself and while you are 100% entitled and it’s normal, I highly recommend moving out of that and into understanding what the fuck you are doing and why you are doing it.
I want to give you some real deal material here so we can get on the same page. I will often express how I am feeling about something to someone close to me. When they challenge me or turn in around, I fold. I crumble. I don’t want them to be mad or sad and EVEN though I was comfortable accepting 50% of the blame (like I always say, along with everyone else, it takes two), I find myself taking 100%. I find myself apologizing or saying “I must have misunderstood” or “it must have been a miscommunication” or “I am just too sensitive…” You get it, don’t you? All my good learning and growth as a human goes out the window because my underlying fear of losing people close to me rears its ugly head.
I COULD, if I was doing what I described above, make nice with all the other humans and then just feel sad on my own that I didn’t stick with my assertiveness. Eventually, the feeling will disappear (aka get shoved down where I barely remember it exists until it comes back) and I will go on like nothing happened. This is a cycle. An unhealthy one. I decided at some point in the last three years that unhealthy cycles didn’t, don’t serve me. At all. So, I made a shift. I didn’t shift smoothly or perfectly. It’s hella bumpy and crazy and there is a lot of waffling and wavering. But at the end of the day, my commitment is there. So, I shift in a way that works for me. Little changes, little adjustments. I take small breaks from people. I journal. I examine my perspective. I renegotiate the terms of a relationship in my head and perhaps I shift how important someone is to me. This is NOT sad. This is really, really good. I make my relationships really real for me. I unabashedly commit to honesty with myself. Not others. Me. I can’t always share my truest self with others because they might not be in a position to accept me or hear me or love me for that truth. And you know what, I don’t need that. But not loving myself because I’m being untrue? Unfucking acceptable. Really.
I am the furthest thing from perfect. I fuck up on a daily basis. I make declarations and then I fold. But I’ve kept with this commitment to try and for that, I am intensely grateful. I’ve committed to doing the work all the time. Even when it’s hard. Even when it’s challenged. Even when it means losing people. Even when it means accepting that someone or something isn’t as important as I once thought.
THAT is the grind. That’s what it is…the constant dedication to the work on oneself. It’s really hard. Like really, really hard. It’s not like learning to play a new instrument or speak a new language. We change all the time and we have to be prepared to roll with those changes and understand what they mean to and for our big picture. We also will constantly be faced with hurdles and challenges and those change all the time too. It is called a grind because it is. The rewards though…along the way and at the end of all of it, priceless. You get to be the truest version of you for you. No better gift. No ONE and I mean NO ONE can give you that but you.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 