The night of the conversation with my friend, I watched the movie ‘The F**k It List’. I can’t say I recommend it per se. It was cute and enjoyable. I more liked the bottom-line message and it felt really appropriate based on how I was feeling and what I was thinking about. The basic premise, without giving anything away, is that the main character has done what has been (and is) expected of him his whole life. He has consistently bent to the will of others, even when it means doing something that might challenge his own happiness. Blah, blah happens and he is motivated to make a f**k it list. You know, a list of things that he would do it he didn’t care so much what other people cared or thought.
I loved the concept because on some level, life becomes an execution of the fuck it list when you decide to jump into the grind. Well, with a singular caveat where I’m concerned. If you read my earlier post, I explained that something that troubles me greatly is how little we look out for each other as humans. How selfish and self-directed so many people are on a regular basis. By the way, I’m not suggesting that I’m so angelic that I haven’t ever considered my own feelings before others or in spite of others. I am saying that as a general rule, I like to consider other’s feelings when I make a decision about anything. And when I am going to hurt another human, I like to explore that harm and do what I can to minimize the impact as much as humanly possible. So yeah, when I say fuck it list, I don’t mean to do things that cause a trail of collateral damage in your wake. I mean bravely move forward in living the life you want to life without the fear of being judged or criticized.
Do you understand the difference?
On my fuck it list is remaining decidedly single right now. I’m not making the choice because I’m afraid to date or I’m afraid to meet people or I’m afraid to suck at it. I’m making the choice because right now, the cons way out weigh the pros. I’m making the choice because dating right now (again, COVID concerns aside), it making me lose faith in humanity. It’s not just all the shit that my friend said either. It’s witnessing how other friends are handling dating. It’s speaking to members of the opposite sex. It’s understanding the games that are played and the chances that are involved. No thank you.
Why is it on the fuck it list? Well, because society tells me that I am 39 and single and should be on a quest to find a partner. I get it. I do. This is not where I tell you that I am a bold, single female who is making a societal statement. I’m not. This isn’t a feminist endeavor or my attempt to prove a point of any kind. This is me looking at something that is really a disappointing experience for me at this time and saying, fuck society for telling me I should be doing this. I need a time out.
What else is on the fuck it list? A bunch. But nothing I’m going to share with you. Not because I’m embarrassed of it or thing it’s too harsh. Mostly because it’s private. It’s my life so it’s my list. It doesn’t benefit you to hear my fuck it list because YOUR fuck it list should be yours and yours alone. This is the one situation where I would tell you that you don’t need to be motivated or inspired by others. You are going to have to do that deep dive I spoke about and decide for yourself all those things you can do but haven’t because of ________.
A fuck it list isn’t a revenge list. It isn’t used to hurt people or avenge some harm has been caused to you. A fuck it list shouldn’t be used to prove a point or teach someone else. A fuck it list is something you use to serve yourself, gift yourself, love yourself.
A fuck it list can start really, really small. Maybe you never have ice cream because you are forever on a diet and thus, depriving yourself of sweets. You believe you need to fit into a size ___ and so ice cream is a big no-no. Well, now it’s a yes, yes. Have the ice cream. Fuck it. You don’t need to go buck wild and eat junk regularly, but you can separate from the guilt and negative feelings that normally arise when you start to think about treating yourself.
A fuck it list can grow to something monumental like cutting off someone who you used to be friends with when the relationship no longer serves you. Maybe you stayed friends because you have been friends for so long or because you have been afraid what people with think, what they will think. You don’t need to go crazy or annihilate that human. You can peacefully step out. As I’ve told you before, this can be for a period of time or for longer. That part is entirely up to you.
You have to create and execute on your list in a way that makes you feel good. I know you might be scared. It’s pretty scary. It’s terrifying to admit what you’ve been doing (or not doing) out of fear. It’s awful facing the consequences you’ve done your best to avoid. You know what else it is? Freeing. Invigorating. Life changing. It’s frightening but incredible.
Here’s a small but meaningful disclaimer: your fuck it list has to be filled with things you can actually do without shriveling up or curling into the fetal position and staying there for days. That’s why I would suggest starting small.
I’ve done small bits and now I’m onto the bigger shit. I know you might be thinking ‘what’s the big deal about giving up dating?’ Oh well, everything. Friends that are in relationships like to see you in a relationship (for many reasons I won’t get into right now, some honorable and some selfish). Family and other random folks will tell you that it’s worth it or better for you and wonder what’s wrong with you. You will have to explore what else fills your time when you are searching for a mate…and during a time like this (pandemic shut down), that can be more challenging than ever. It’s okay. I’m gonna survive it guys. Really.
Nothing says I’m ready to figure out who I really am and what I really want better than a fuck it list.
Start small. Move from there. Make a list.
Have a great weekend. Talk to you on Monday.
L.
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