Hi there. Happy Monday. I kind of liked the series chats we’ve been having, so I thought why not continue them? The topic for the discussion this week came to me rather quickly and then I sort of laughed at myself and then I came back to it again. I’m going to share my thought with you and then explain why I almost walked away and wracked my brain to come up with another topic for this week.
I want to talk about qualities that are essential for a good relationship. I know, right? Did you giggle a little? Maybe snort? I did. How the fuck would I, queen of shitty relationships, know what ingredients are necessary for cooking up a good relationship? Well, because, I’ve done the work. Just because I’ve made mistakes and/or continue to trip up a little doesn’t mean I’m not armed with the appropriate information. It simply means I’ve still working through application. It means that I recognize that understanding anything emotional requires persistence and constant revisits. Constant. Internal exploration, professional help, and being ‘checked’ by the trusted people who are closest to you in the world and have a burning desire to hold you accountable.
Quick side note, keep the trusted people as close to you as you can bear. Really. They can be tough sometimes, even impossible, but the people willing to call you on your shit are the people who mean something in this life. I’m not talking about mean people or jealous folks. I’m talking about people who love you so much that they are brave enough to risk losing you when they tell you that you are acting like a verifiable lunatic. They will tell you when you are self-destructing and crouch down ready to face your wrath. They will understand that the conversations with you will be challenging and at times, an exercise in futility, but that you don’t need ANOTHER human telling you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear. You hear me? Learn how to identify those people and keep them close.
Okay, let’s get back on topic. In my humble opinion, there are five main qualities that help contribute to a meaningful and productive relationship with another human. I am going to list them for you and then as has been my jam, I’m going to take a day for each to expound. Here they are:
- Honesty
- Bravery
- Compassion
- Awareness
- Patience
So, we are kicking Monday off with honesty. This is a really tough one for a lot of people. I’ve talked about it before, but I want to talk about it again and again. I want to talk about it until we can all be honest about how dishonest we really are ALL the damn time. I know you’ve heard the resistance when you explain to someone that you think they are being dishonest. I know you’ve probably thrown out some yourself. Since dishonesty comes in so many different shapes and sizes, there are so many ways that people try and get around admitting their deceit.
I am just going to bring up a few for you and then you can sort out the rest on your own. Okay…here are some phrases that I’ve dished out or heard: “It doesn’t bother me…that’s fine…I’m okay…I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think it mattered…I wasn’t hiding anything, I just forgot to mention it…it’s not a big deal…I guess I can live with that…that doesn’t really bother me at all, provided that __________…I can live with that…” You get the point, right? I need not go on. We’ve all been there. As always, this post is not a criticism or rant. This is an exploration of something that is detrimentally important to master if you want a shot at a decent interaction with another human, let alone managing a healthy romantic relationship.
Why do we lie? Oh man. We’ve discussed this before. Mostly fear. Fear of being left, fear of confrontation, fear of self-examination, fear of all the things. An unwillingness to face what is, rather than what we want it to be. Because we think that’s what we should want/think/feel and we think we will be judged if we stray from those ‘shoulds’ (aka fear of being disliked). Some people lie for the thrill of it. Some people lie because they are hurt and they want to hurt others. Some people fear hurting others so they lie. Some people have lied for so long that they don’t know how to find the way back to the truth. Their truth.
Here’s the first thing you should know and it’s really important. No matter how long you’ve lied and no matter the reasons you’ve lied and no matter the circumstances, you can ALWAYS find your way back to the truth. It’s grueling when you’ve strayed for too long, but it’s always there, within reach. Here’s the lovely bit, when you tell the truth, you don’t have to struggle to remember your story. It’s just the truth. The facts. No bullshit, no drama. Just black and white. I know, right? Sounds pretty simple and pretty fucking amazing. Sure, sometimes the lies seem easier, but in the end, they will fuck you up. You will be scrambling and struggling and you will know the truth in your heart and that, my friends, will slowly eat away at you.
How do you know the internal crumbling has begun? Everyone is different but generally there will be a roller coaster of emotions that you experience. Ups and downs. Lots of ‘em. You will overreact and underreact. You will feel impatient, depressed, frustrated, and angry. You will also feel anxious and crazy because you will constantly be juggling your truths. Again, you might have a slightly different expression, but something that looks like what I just described will likely happen to you.
Okay, so how do we find our way back to verity? We make a choice. We decide that no matter how challenging or painful, no matter the relationships we might lose, no matter the fights we may have to have, we are committed to a life filled with honesty. When we feel tempted to lie because we are backed into a corner, we take a breath and move forward with the truth instead. This sounds easy but we all know it isn’t.
Here’s the thing though, if you are dishonest in your relationship, your relationship is built on a foundation of dishonesty. Um, what? Yes. That means your relationship or relationships are basically fake. That doesn’t mean they can’t transition to real. It just means they aren’t right now. At all. So anything you want to preserve is as good as vapor anyway. When something isn’t real, it’s inherently fragile. Breakable. Easily shattered. The infiltration of truth (likely provided by an external party) will take down your walls all at once and leave you naked in the middle of the room. When it is not your choice to be honest and the truth is foisted upon you, it’s FAR uglier. I am telling you that from personal experience.
Here is what honesty looks like: “I need sex in my relationship…you need to go for help…we need to go for help…I don’t want to stop working….I don’t want to go back to work…when you talk to me that way it hurts my feelings…I need you to care about me and my day and not just yours…when you speak to our child that way it grosses me out and harms her/him…I slept with someone else…I know you are cheating on me….I hate that restaurant…”. Yeah. Ugly, right? But true. Really true. Sometimes we have to start with the blunt statement and expand from there. Not to erase or backtrack. Not to soften. Just to explain. To give context. To give the truth a chance to really resonate and change the face and nature of a relationship if that’s possible.
“It’s fine” is softening language, but “I can live with _____ but not _____” is expanded honesty. Does that make sense? People cannot read minds. A relationship built on lies and withholding will disintegrate over time. A person who consistently lies will eventually find themselves in a lonely dark hole (sometimes with people surrounding them, which feels strangely worse).
It’s no easy feat, but start today. Don’t say it’s okay. Say “it’s not really okay, but let’s talk about it….” And see how that feels.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 