Bravery. Maybe when you read the word bravery you felt a little chuckle bubble up again. Maybe you thought I was being humorous. I wasn’t. If you read every word (or listened to) my post from yesterday, you recognized a quality that is absolutely critical in living an honest life. It’s really hard to be honest if you aren’t brave. That sounds kind of sad at first, but this isn’t a blog where we pretend. We are truth tellers here or at least we are trying to be (circular reference, I know). You have to be brave to live an honest or authentic life. Why? Well, I’ve already explained that your truth can cost you relationships. Your truth can force uncomfortable conversations. Your truth can lead to realizations that will make YOU want to move away from people and things and situations that don’t serve you. It takes a special kind of courage to move forward with all that in mind.
That’s not all bravery is required for in relationships. What do I mean? Well, bravery in relationships also goes hand in hand with some amount of faith. You have to realize that things are going to get real in your relationship from time to time, both between the two of you and because life will throw you curveballs. You have to know that at the other end of whatever you are dealing with is a relationship with enough of a foundation to survive. You have to have faith in yourself, in each other, and the relationship as a living breathing entity.
You have to take chances in relationships. You have to be willing to invest in another human. You have to be willing to invest time. Energy. Any investment like that is going to require you to be brave. I’ll be honest with you, good and not so good relationships might require an element of bravery but being courageous looks different under those differing circumstances.
Bravery in shitty circumstances is the type of courage you need to plow through. It’s the gumption you need to deny reality, stand up for yourself in arguments, forgive the unforgivable, and come back for more (again and again). It’s not an admirable kind of bravery but it’s bravery, nonetheless. Well, that’s not entirely fair. There are moments when it is commendable, worthy of praise. When? Well, there are folks who have been dropped into shitty relationships for any number of reasons (family, history, habit, etc.) and they have to get through the shit before they can learn, emerge better, and choose differently. To get through the shit, they have GET THROUGH IT. You feel me? You can only come out on the other side of something if you manage to sludge through it first.
Okay, let’s move on to the bravery that’s less spine tingling. Though, before we do, I have to admit to you that I’ve needed to find the kind of brave that I just described. I’m not pronouncing something quite unknown to me. I’ve had to deal with unfathomable bullshit and dig myself out of it. So yeah, I get it. I didn’t feel brave at the time but alas, I survived. Thus, I was sort of brave. Okay, now really onto the better stuff. The good kind of brave. The kind of brave that we admire in movies, Instagram posts, and during inspirational lectures. The kind of brave that is all at once very unique and then not to special at all. What does that mean? Well, your kind of brave in relationships is exclusively yours. One of a kind, if you will. But it shares common qualities will other folks of your sex, ilk, relationship status, etc.
Some of the good bravery looks like bold exploration or explanation. It looks like strong feminism or masculinity. It looks like intelligent discussion and an unwillingness to walk away when things get a little tough (or a lot). Some of the good bravery looks like quiet resilience. Understanding. A willingness to see things from another perspective, a different point of view. Sometimes it is just the ability to be a good listener. Sometimes it’s the ability to articulate in a way that makes your needs and wants known. Known in a real way. Real in a profound way.
I think it’s also important to understand what is NOT bravery (neither good nor not so good). What is not bravery is just putting up with someone else’s shit. Generally. Staying silent when something matters to you. Judging a situation without asking questions, having a conversation, or digging deeper. Bravery is not refusing to take responsibility or hold someone accountable. Bravery is not picking your battles so specifically that suddenly you realize that there have been no battle fought at all as you’ve been waiting for something worth fighting for. Bravery is not losing yourself in a relationship. You might be lost and that’s okay but bravery looks like doing the work to find yourself again, not throwing in the towel.
Bravery is understanding that while another human is not the other half of your whole, you have relinquished some control, some power to be in a real relationship. You are willing to make yourself vulnerable and that takes a whole shit ton of bravery. Bravery is seeing the lumps and bumps and warts and moving forward anyway. It is not saying that someone is perfect or thinking they are perfect. They are not perfect on their own, they are not even perfect for you. Bravery is the understanding that perfect is not a word that should ever be used to describe a relationship. Well, unless you are calling a relationship perfectly imperfect. That is pretty perfect.
It takes a lot of bravery to be in a relationship. It also takes a special kind of courage to admit that you aren’t ready for a relationship or that you haven’t found the right person or that you don’t want or need a relationship at all. Not right now, maybe not ever. That’s the thing kids. When you are talking about relationships, on all fronts, all sorts of bravery is required.
Here’s the thing. I can climb mountains and visit foreign countries and try all the new food, but sometimes I am decidedly wimpy when it comes to my relationships. My friendships, my romantic relationships, and those relationships I have with my family members. You know what though? I’ve discovered that I’m brave enough to try and be that brave, one day.
Talk tomorrow.
L.
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