Compassion is a funny word when we are considering relationships. If we are brave and honest, then why do we also need to be compassionate? What gives? Well, I once heard or read a quote and you’ll forgive me because I cannot attribute it to its owner/author (but I certainly will if you want to let me know who uttered or penned the words). It was that compassion is passion with heart. That really got me. It put a face on compassion that I never really understood. Never really processed. I started to see myself and my relationships in a different way. That is the point of this exploration, is it not?
Traditionally we understand compassion to be sympathy for the struggles or misgivings of others, do we not? I see that you are going through something and I feel concern. Perhaps I relate on some level, but perhaps I don’t. It doesn’t matter because my experience or lack thereof does not in any way shape or form remove my ability to feel compassion. Well, for some folks it does. Where I am concerned it typically doesn’t.
Okay, so why do we need concern or sympathy in a relationship? How does that work? Well, unless we have the ability to put ourselves in the shoes of another, it’s hard to truly relate to another human being. I know that sounds rather ‘what color was George Washington’s white horse?’ but please bear with me.
Think of any discussion or argument you’ve ever had, ever. It doesn’t matter what the topic was or who you were conversing or arguing with, not even a little. My mind goes to something of a stand-off. Even when I think of a discussion. Two people on either side of this thing, with their own thoughts and ideas and words. Those words are flowing between them and they are being absorbed, deflected, and considered. The ability to process those words in a way that is meaningful and productive is, in my opinion, contingent upon one’s ability to have compassion for the other person who is speaking.
Before you think it, compassion doesn’t in any way, shape or form require that you take the other person’s side or allow yourself to be maligned or abused by another human. Not even a little. What compassion does is gives you the pause that you might need in any discussion, even one that isn’t contentious. I think this is the point in our chat where it’s productive for me to give you an example so you know exactly what I’m referring to; a vision alignment, if you will.
Let’s say I am talking a friend about her relationship with her husband. She is describing a disagreement that they recently had and her response to his behavior. I find her reaction to her husband a bit mystifying. Admittedly, I’ve never been married. I’ve never even had a relationship quite so long as the one she’s shared with her husband. But if I am devoid of compassion, those thoughts don’t enter my head. Nor do a variety of other sentiments. I am not able to explore how she might be feeling frustration, sadness, or even feelings of neglect. If I am to look at a singular event that she’s described and her behavior in the course of said event from a lens that is coated in unkindness and singularity, I might think her callous, unloving, or even be somewhat defeated in thinking that she is in such a relationship and I don’t even have the opportunity to explore situations of the nature of which she has described to me.
Typically, when I am compassionate, I’m better apt to see big picture and try and understand what is going on rather than making a determination in a matter of minutes. And the same goes for a romantic relationship. I am not suggesting that it’s easy to stand one’s ground or hold to one’s side of a matter. Not even a little. Remember? Bravery. Sometimes it gives you a different kind of fortitude if you are able to first feel compassion for another human. It also gives the other person the ability to hear you and see you in a different way. Instead of attacking someone so they feel defensive, you can thoughtfully consider their stance, their position and then carefully contemplate your response. You might end up in the same place at the end of the day but I’ll tell you something, and this is a promise, even if things aren’t fine and dandy with the other person…you will 100% feel better all around. Not gleeful. Not giddy. Just better. I promise you and I stand behind my promises.
I have disagreements with people and I am wrong, a lot, but I try and keep my shit together. I come from a place of love and compassion, rather than anger and misplaced judgment. When I do judge for any reason (arguably there’s rarely a good reason), I’ve hopefully come to it contemplatively and thoughtfully, rather than hastily.
Since we are always real with each other, I’m sure you’ve already figured out that it is really challenging to be compassionate sometimes. I mean REALLY hard. When people are acting destructive (outwardly or self-directed), selfish, mean, or ignorant…HARD. It’s hard when you generally don’t agree with someone or vehemently disagree with a particular stance they’ve taken. Here’s the thing though, when compassionate is difficult to muster…that’s when it’s needed the most. Really. That’s when you have to dig deep. DEEP. That’s when you have to take a nice big breath and dive right in. Knowing it’s going to get ugly. Knowing it’s going to take everything you have to stay really fucking chill. But THAT person. That one. They need you to be the bigger person. They need you to find and keep your compassion. It’s absolutely essential. Not because you are better or smarter. Not at all. Because you have made a commitment to productive communication and that just cannot occur if you start to unravel.
How do you start? Well you acknowledge that all the things and situations that trouble you and challenge you, they exist within the person standing across from you. Really. They feel all the things too. Not the same, but in their own way. You are just giving them space to feel. Just a little bit of space to operate. To be their truest selves or lie in the way that they feel like they need to. When you give them space to be who they are, you are also giving yourself permission to be you. All the time. Unwaveringly. That’s the bad ass thing about having compassion. It’s a two-way street, even when it’s a one way street. You know what I mean?
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 