I was driving with my dad tonight and he stopped at a green light. When I asked him why he stopped, he said that he was busy talking. My mom and I had a little laugh, but it made me think. It brought to mind the idea of awareness in a really crystal-clear kind of way. Why? Well, my dad literally admitted that he was so focused on what he was saying that he blotted out the rest of the world around him. Before you think it, dad is a fine driver. He’s had a lot going on lately (premature retirement, moving, pandemic, etc.) and therefore, his mind is particularly busy. Totally understandable. And his focus drifting given his super busy mind is also completely understandable. Putting it simply, he was stuck in his own head. I know we’ve all been there at least once before, haven’t we? I know that I have. I’ve decidedly been unapologetically stuck in the confines of my un-stilled mind.
Okay, great. So what? We all get preoccupied from time to time with our overall life situation and all the little details. Right? So, what’s the big deal? Well, nothing except, well, everything.
I’ve actually touched on this topic in a million different ways lately. I’ve talked about selfishness and single-mindedness. I’ve explored the concept of rugged individualism. I think it’s fairly obvious how any one of those behaviors or traits impact a relationship. They are crushing. Truly. But that’s fairly intuitive if we know anything about human beings. Put two people together and have one or both of those persons care for themselves above all else, including the other person they are in a relationship with, and the relationship is doomed. That doesn’t mean the relationship will definitively end. That’s not even a minutely reasonable assumption. I know firsthand that people have a funny way of co-existing in the midst of madness and unhappiness. I certainly did it for long enough. It just means that nothing truly magical comes out of a situation like that. In fact, a scenario like that is usually fraught with frustration and resentment. People manage to rationalize those feelings away or resort to other ways of coping like cheating or taking out on others, but in the end, we all know that’s just delaying gratification. At some point, you have the pay the piper or someone like the piper (I mean, who the fuck is the piper?) or just have a complete emotional breakdown. It all catches up with you. Every time. At some point. Period. End of story.
If we know the negative implications of a lack of awareness, self-driven and externally based, shouldn’t we just flip a switch and make sure that we are always plugged into what’s going on within us and with the people around us? Sure. But, we all know that’s not how it really works. The logic of any particular decision within the confines of a relationship does not always make for a smooth process. To the contrary. This concept is particularly applicable when it comes to awareness because if you don’t have it, you can’t just have it. You can want it and work towards it, but sometimes the pervasive nature of its absence overtakes your desire to make it a thing.
I know it sounds like I’m spinning out or rambling so I’m going to ground us a little. I was recently talking to someone about some of the more terrible decisions I’ve made when it comes to the men I’ve had relationships with and even some of the friendships I’ve hung on to. This person listed some of my good qualities and then said ‘it’s too bad you can’t see them within yourself.’ Of COURSE, I bristled when I heard this because I obviously have some sense of my good qualities. I am deeply introspective and I’ve spent the better part of the last few years doing a deep dive into my psyche. Here’s the thing, I’m not there yet. I’m just not. I am dipping my toes in the deep waters of awareness and I’m doing the work, but it’s just not enough. Not yet. I’m determined to get there and I will but it’s going to take some time. It is what it is. Thus, I might think I know myself and what I want and what I deserve [in a relationship] but my decisions indicate otherwise. They show a learning curve but I am just not THERE yet.
What does that mean? Well, it means that anyone I am in a relationship with, whether it be romantic, or perhaps a more tumultuous platonic relationship, will suffer as a result of my lack of awareness. As will I. The agony I will endure might be significantly less than that experienced by my far less aware younger self, but still, it’s there. Present. Ready to decimate.
Okay, so if the above holds true then the desire to be aware in a relationship is seemingly a very difficult goal to accomplish. Where do you start? Well, you first check in with yourself. You ask yourself questions, like: am I happy in this relationship, is this in line with what I think I want, do I know what I want, does my partner/friend seem happy with me, does this feel like regular ol’ people work or extraordinary effort, does my partner/friend often struggle with what I am presenting to them or do I often struggle with what is being presented to me…?
That’s right sir or madam. You have to ask all the questions. It is not easy because you are going to want to answer them based on who you want to be, sometimes ignoring who you actually are in that moment. Therefore, you have to add one more layer to the exploration I’m speaking of in this post. The layer I’m recommending you consider might actually be something you’d run into when exploring the approach I presented in the ‘f*ck it list’ post I recently shared. You have to answer the questions (see above) without regard for what it makes you seem like or what other people might think. You have to answer the questions with reckless abandon. You know, like a stream of consciousness. You have to give yourself all the space to answer all the questions without the fear of judgment. This is not easy but it is essential. If you get caught up in the concept of what someone else is going to think or how it makes you ‘look’ then you are actually taking steps further away from awareness.
The thing about awareness is that is helps you be compassionate and brave and patient and all those things you need to be to carry on a halfway decent relationship. You are really getting it now, right? It’s one giant interconnected bubble. One network. One web of feelings and traits. Oh, and a whole lotta work. That much is always going to be true. Anything worth it takes energy and work.
So, buckle up and hunker down. Make the commitment. Ask the questions. Do NOT fear the answers. God speed.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 