Note: No recordings this week. Sorting out next steps on that front.
Hey there. I hope everyone had a nice weekend. Some of you might be shaking your head pleasantly, thinking back to a weekend that was productive, relaxing, or whatever you needed it to be. Some of you might be shaking your head vigorously, resenting the implication that your weekend was enjoyable. Perhaps you live in an area that is seeing a surge again or never really exited a surge. Maybe you live somewhere that feels safer right now but you have anxiety wondering if or when things are going to get ugly again. Maybe you are just struggling with the way things are right now generally and missing what was your regular, normal life. I’ve found that even when life has been quieter, the difference between necessity and choice is the widest berth that exists. That is to say if I decide to lounge around and enjoy a lazy Sunday, that feels decidedly different than staying at home because it’s safer or my options are more limited.
I’ve definitely mentioned my love of traveling before but MAN do I miss travel. A friend of mine who lives in Europe posted photographs from a mini excursion into a neighboring country just the other day and I found myself teeming with jealousy and honestly, a feeling of despair. I know there are worse things and I certainly recognize that the ability to travel is a privilege. Every time I have had the great fortune of traveling, I have felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. So yeah, I get it. And still, I’m bummed. I’m pissed off. I’m sad about it.
Why? Well outside of the freedom that traveling permits me, I have come to define myself with my adventures. While my similarly aged compatriots have gotten married and had children, I have chosen a different path. In my gloomier days I would have told you that this path was chosen because of a lack of options. That is not the case. Although I can’t force finding the right partner, I could have chosen a million different paths outside of the one I’ve chosen. For starters, I could have put a great deal more effort into dating, meeting someone. To give you a clear picture, COVID-19 aside, I’d rate my dating effort a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 (and that’s probably more generous than I deserve). There are a million reasons for this that I’ve shared in posts here and there; fear, frustration, apathy, etc. Either way, my choice to see the world and its peoples, colors, wonders, and cuisines, that’s all me.
So what now? What happens when you have a thing that’s defined you and it disappears? Do you cease to exist? Do you float in space? Do you start to feel inferior as compared to those who have chosen paths that are a little more conventional and well-suited to this new normal? Don’t get me wrong as I am not saying there are not staggering challenges that each and every human is facing. I’m merely sharing that the ups and downs are different for each of us depending on the path that has been chosen. Some are in a better head space right now but as soon as the school year starts again, they will find themselves upside down. Some have felt uneasy since the day this insanity began and won’t feel a sense of peace until it passes, in a more significant and measurable fashion. Everyone is struggling. I am only speaking to the challenges that I am facing. That’s all.
My challenges. My struggle. My journey.
The interesting bit is that I think the place that we come from to tackle these changes is the same. Does that make any sense to you? We have to separate our baseline identity from our chosen activities, profession, and even our labels. We have to dig deep and look within ourselves to understand what is important to us in a more fundamental way. Once we do that, we might be able to find activities or spend time engaging in a way that provides some modicum of satisfaction, albeit somewhat diminished. We can also learn to adjust for the time being to expect a little less and appreciate a little more.
I can’t get on a plane and journey to a far-away place. I CAN keep in touch with the beautiful souls I’ve met on my travels over the years. I can plan trips for when it is safe again. I can read books, watch movies, and cook new and exotic food. I can begin to understand that I am not made or broken based on the places I’ve journeyed to. My self-worth is not contingent on my number of passport stamps or the stories I have to tell.
That is a much bigger challenge though, isn’t it? The idea of examining where our feelings of self come from and what we do when those origins are dismantled, temporarily or permanently. This topic is so massive that it is going to be the theme for the entirety of this week’s posts. I’m not going to separate into sub-topics or come up with captivating themes that live within the greater picture. I’m just going to talk to you. I’m going to talk to you in a way that is raw and honest and as granular as I can get. I’m going to keep talking every day until I’ve reached the end of the week. I feel confident that even when we arrive there, having talked for five days, there will be more to say. But, that isn’t going to stop me from starting, from trying.
This is a topic that scares most of us. Why? Well, most of us are scared that if we strip away all the things that we believe make us what we are, there will be nothing left. If you are a mother and suddenly you lose your child, who are you? If you are a sister and suddenly your relationship shifts, who are you? If you are a corporate wizard and suddenly you lose your job, who are you? If you are a wife or a husband and suddenly your relationship ends, who are you? Maybe you don’t need loss to experience this revelation. I hope you don’t, because it is a less painful exercise when you can do it on your own accord. It is a more valuable journey when you embark on it because you want to and not because you HAVE to.
I’ll tell you a little secret before we close out today. You can only become who you wish to be if you go through this business I’m rambling on about. If you don’t, you might live what is seemingly a happy life, but I promise you that it’s a house of cards. That’s not a threat or a sassy mouth talking. It’s the honest truth. One strong wind blows and blammo, your house is a just a pile and you will often have little understanding how to navigate constructing it back into something safe and sturdy.
I’m on this journey so I can’t speak from a place of perfection but I can tell you what I’ve learned. If you are patient, you might learn something too.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 