Welcome back. Did my post from yesterday start you thinking at all? Maybe it made you uncomfortable? This topic usually makes me uneasy. Why? Because it is a difficult thing to start processing who we are without the comfort of people, places, and things around us. Most of us exist in a society that encourages us to identify given what’s around us. We are made by the job we hold, food we eat, clothing we wear, relationships we have, education we’ve achieved, and wealth we’ve accumulated.
I rarely have people tell me that they so admire someone because they are happy. Have you heard that a lot? Most of what I hear is that someone is respected because they are considered successful by generic standards that have been created for all of us. They are married with x children, and live in a xx,xxx square foot home, and drive a x car. Maybe they have a pet, which means they have the ability to take care of yet another living thing. Maybe they have hobbies which means they have the luxury of indulging in something during their free time (which means they have free time and the extra funds to pay for such enjoyment). Me? I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been showered with praise where my travel and general excursions are concerned. Pre-COVID, you would find me enjoying life to the fullest. Concerts, plays, and meals out. And of course, trips to the furthest corners of the universe.
What’s the bottom line?
We are a culture that mainly answers the question ‘who am I?’ with ‘what have you done, what do you do, and what will you do’? Well, on its face, that doesn’t seem like the worst idea in the world. I’ve often encouraged you to pay particular attention to what people do rather than relying simply of what they say, so in that line of thinking, wouldn’t what I just shared make perfect sense? Yes and no.
WHAT we are is different than WHO we are and they should be treated as such. Do you need me to repeat that or do you think you got it? It is not an easy concept to swallow, particularly as we tend to use the two concepts interchangeably. Worse, or more accurately, we prioritize the WHAT we are over the WHO we are.
Think about it. When you describe someone for the first time, don’t you throw more WHATs in than WHOs? Do you say they are nice and funny and giving and loving? Maybe. But you also probably talk about their profession, relationship status, living situation, and general accomplishments. More often than not, we can’t talk about the WHOs without incorporating the WHATs, whether it be voluntary or a prompt by the person(s) with whom we are speaking.
Okay, so what’s the big deal? So what if you speak to someone’s WHATs? Well, you remember what I said already, right? What if your WHATs change? Does that make you a fundamentally different human or have you just shifted some of the world around you? I vote for the latter. I’ve had my life change more times than I can count and while I’ve grown and learned and rolled with the punches, I’m still the same exact person deep down. I hold and espouse the same values and beliefs. If any shifting has occurred within me, it has nothing to do with losing a WHAT and everything to do with how I dealt with losing my WHAT.
Did I go off the deep end there? I didn’t, but maybe I need to get a little more real here. When I exited from my last relationship, I ceased being a girlfriend. This didn’t change who I was where it counts. However, my experience in that relationship and with everything that happened in the after, modified how I feel about trust, men, relationships, and myself.
Sure, there was a brief period where I felt lost and adrift based on the loss of my relationship, but those feelings were temporary. As soon as I started to move through my grief and sort out what happened, I found myself again.
This all sounds lovely, I know, but what does it mean for real life and relationships of any kind? Well, if you have a relationship or a series of relationships (platonic or romantic) and they are based on your WHATs rather than your WHOs, then it is unlikely that those relationships are going to go the distance. That’s not even the most challenging part. You know what is? If they do stand the test of time, they will suck you dry. They will exhaust you. They will take everything you have within you and when you are depleted, they will search for more. They will explore every crevice and crack and keep going until there is truly nothing left.
I imagine you know what those kinds of relationships look like, but if you don’t, let me enlighten you. You have a friendship that is based entirely on what you do for that person. That could be actually doing things (i.e. buying flowers, throwing parties, giving compliments) or that could be acting in a way that is most pleasing to them (i.e. funny, complacent, agreeable, etc.). You might feel compelled to do or act that way just as a matter of course but that’s not what’s happening here. You’ve ‘won over’ this person or these people by acting a certain way and now it’s become a mask that you wear when you are around them. You don’t let them see that mask slip down. You always bring your A-game. You are not entitled to have a bad day or even an off moment, and when you do, you apologize. In fact, you spend a good deal of time apologizing for things you likely have little to no control over. It might feel satisfying in the moment but after, when you are away from them, it feels draining and disappointing.
I know this because I’ve historically been the queen of these relationships. I meet someone at their door and become what they need me to be. I’m routinely terrified of being too much, acting too needy, and living in a zone too far away from what they want in a friend/lover/significant other. When I’ve pushed back or identified this inequity or lack of health, the ones that like me for my WHATs have pushed back. They’ve challenged my assertion rather than working through it with me.
You know how I more directly identify these folks? When they have a WHAT that temporarily or permanently satisfies them, they move away from me. They don’t need me because they found what they are looking for. For now. For a moment. They’ll be back when they are wanting again. These, my friends, are called users.
Here is the most brilliant part of this whole story. You can ONLY be used if you allow it to happen. That’s right. You have the power to change it. How? Well, it takes two steps. The first part, which you might have guessed already, is truly finding your who. They second bit is identifying who or what fits into your world based on WHO you are and not WHAT you are. The third bit is moving away from those who don’t fit once you’ve gone through these steps.
You might have guessed it, but that in a nutshell describes our next three days together. Who you are, what fits, and how to junk what doesn’t. Are you excited? I am.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 