Hi there. Let me start by saying that I truly don’t know what’s harder, figuring out who fits into your most authentic life or how to get rid of those who no longer serve you (or never have, for that matter). I’ve often had difficulty identifying the folks that are meant to be in my life because I’ve spent so much time acting in a way that is so antithetical to who I am as a human. I’ve compromised and shrunk myself time and again, to the point of no return.
I find it far more difficult to identify the places where I’ve given up on ‘me’ in the context of platonic relationships. Why? Well, in romantic relationships it is more the norm to talk about what went wrong. When it comes to friendships, we tend to go in one of only two directions. We either have an epic falling out or we claim that that we organically grew apart. And the epic knock-down, drag-out fights that lead to the kind of separation I’m talking about are usually based on a WHAT and not a who.
It is far easier for people to say: she said something awful about me, she declined an invitation, or she continued to engage with that person who hurt me. It is far more difficult to say, we are no longer aligned where it means something. Maybe you were willing to shift the relationship to account for what you are after everything falls into place but the other human involved is not. What then? Well, it is a rare thing when that too is called or identified as what it is.
What do I mean by that? Well, maybe a friend and I have grown apart because of a place that she’s entered in her life. Maybe I don’t agree with some of her decisions or she doesn’t agree with mine. Maybe we are no longer creating space for each other. Maybe I encourage moving the friendship into something more casual and I am met with resistance. Instead of standing firm, I either give in and allow the friendship to continue on its dysfunctional and upsetting path, or I end it altogether. This bit is not about how you move away from these types of relationships once they no longer serve you, but how you identify which relationships even need to be examined. Not an easy feat guys, not by a long shot.
I’ve found that this exercise is challenging for two specific reasons: (i) even if we initially place blame on or assign accountability to the other person, it is difficult to maintain that sentiment and we more often than not shift blame back on ourselves, and (ii) most of us either love or hate letting go and there is very little in the in-between.
Okay, first things first. Human nature shows that even if we recognize that someone did something to wrong us or acted in a way that is completely out of sync with WHO we are, we tend to backtrack to avoid confrontation. Unless you are actively seeking confrontation, which is a separate personality and an entirely new discussion, most of us will take whatever action is necessary to move in the other direction. This means backtracking and shifting blame or responsibility back to ourselves.
Secondly, as I stated before, most of us fall on one end of the spectrum or the other when it comes to letting go. Either one requires a decisive action that is not often served by the analysis I am encouraging. How come? well to start, it sounds rather counter-intuitive, doesn’t it? Most of the time when we look deeper into the relationships or relationship issues that we have with people, we find that there is a good deal of gray area. Sure, there’s plenty of times when you will say ‘hell yes’ or ‘absolutely no’ but there are many more times when you will have a pro and list. There are many occasions where you are going to have to use gut judgment. You are going to have to err on the side of saying that a relationship hasn’t served you historically and you don’t believe it will, at least for now. You have to take a chance. It’s not obvious or definitive. It’s a maybe. And once you move away from that person, and eek past the panicky bit, you might even find that you’ve made a mistake. But, that’s all part of the scary process. And it IS scary, which is why most people avoid it.
You’ve likely guessed what I’m going to say based on past posts or my overall thought process. You have to be brave. In the finding out of WHO you are and the religious adherence to that WHO, you are going to have to accept that you will have to make tough decisions, not know what you need to know a LOT, and sometimes feel alone. Moreover, sometimes you will recognize that a WHO is actually a WHAT and you need help to cease identifying with it. Much like your hobbies, your habits or dysfunctions are also not WHO you are. I know it’s hard to hear that, but it’s the truth. Things that you need to do often or in a regimented or scheduled fashion do not define you. Without them, you do not cease to exist. If you are relying on those things (i.e. running, shopping, etc.) to self-identify, then you have a lot of work left to do.
Here’s something else that you aren’t going to want to hear. You can be in a relationship while you are doing this exploration, but if you are dedicated to the journey, you might find out that the relationship you are in doesn’t mesh with the WHO you’ve discovered. If you stay in that relationship without speaking to what needs to be worked on or giving it a chance to breathe real air, then all the work you’ve done is for naught. Finding your WHO only to bury her/him is a fruitless, exhausting, and painful exercise. The truth is, the exercise of finding your who is challenging and can be heart-wrenching, but usually it gets you to a better place, and that is a really beautiful thing.
When we have found WHAT we think we were looking for this whole time, we have little incentive to dive deep and ask if our WHO is being served. I get it. I lived that. But it’s necessary. If you ever have a shot at real happiness, not fake, social-media posting bullshit, but the real deal, you have to do the work. There is no short-cut and there is no way around it. You have to go through.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 