Day 144.

I want to talk about letting go this week. Yes, I will be talking about it for the entire week. Why, you ask? Well, it’s a pretty intense and sizable topic. There is so much ground to cover when it comes to the topic of letting go that I am not afraid that I won’t have enough material. To the contrary, I’m not sure I’ll really cover everything I need to within the span of one week.

I’ve talked about letting go many, many times. It is a topic near and dear to me because it is something that I struggle with grievously. Letting go is one of those unique topics that is hard to apply to each and every circumstance that requires application. When it comes to letting go, we often find ourselves confused. Back at square one. Unsure of where to go next.

Each person, each situation, brings with him, her, or it, challenges that have never been faced before. Unlike other scenarios where we are able to use the knowledge we’ve gathered and tailor it to fit. When it comes to letting go, this seems a near impossible feat. Well, maybe not for everyone. Maybe not for you. But for me. And because that is how it is for me, I can only speak from that place. Well, I can speak in my truest fashion from that place. I will try and take into account other perspectives and struggles and victories, but try is all I can do here.

Okay, we have that bit out of the way, so let’s get into this.

Why is letting go such a challenge? Well, maybe we need to start a little further back. What does it mean to let go? I know, that sounds utterly ridiculous but for some (ahem, me), the answer to that question has not always been so clear cut, so obvious. What do I mean by that? Well, there are times when I felt like the master of letting go only to realize that I had cleverly reverted back to my inchworm ways.

For those of you who are new to this blog, I’m going to give you a little intro to the inchworm. For those of you who have been around, it’s been a while so no harm in having a little refresher.

Who or what is the inchworm? Well, I am of course. Maybe you are too. I don’t want to assume all of you drive. Perhaps some of you are city dwellers and elect to take other modes of transport. Maybe you cannot afford to drive or maybe a car isn’t accessible to you. Either way, I’ll do my best to describe what I’m talking about with that in mind.

In inchworm season, which I think is usually in the spring, I would often find their green wormy little bodies affixed to my windshield. As they are delicate, the art of removing them would likely cause a fatality, so I left things up to the universe. I would be lying if I didn’t share that I was often tempted to windshield wiper them into perpetuity. But, I figured that too would be cruel and candidly, kind of messy. So, I would get behind the wheel, say a little prayer, and drive. I accelerated the vehicle naturally to match my terrain and environment (town road to highway) and that little bugger held on. Sometimes a small bit of its body would lift in the breeze but…big picture? We would stuck with each other. Or I was stuck with them/him/her.

I wasn’t angry or begrudging. I was amazed. How in the fuck did that little, teeny tiny slimy body withstand the pressure and force of 65 mph on the open road? Well, I dunno guys. I imagine there is some scientific explanation that is a lot more refined, but I like to think it’s the same reason I’m able to hang in under the most trying of circumstances. A wild sense of dedication and perseverance. A will of steel. An irreverence towards those who don’t believe such things are feasible. A fear of failure. Okay, I know, I lost you with that last one. The inchworm likely does not live in fear of failing (I mean I know nothing substantive about these creatures but I’m not even sure how substantial their survival instincts are or if they even have them). BUT, I do. The inchworm is just a metaphor, a tool for me to create imagery that might resonate with you.

Real talk? Historically, in the face of every red flag, danger zone sign, and abject unhappiness, I clung. For dear life. I still do this. I still have the most difficult time moving on and letting go. So, let’s tie everything together. I might feel or think as though I’ve let go of something or someone, but I’ve just creepy crawled my way to a safer part of the windshield. I’m hiding behind the blades of the wiper or just beyond the curve of the glass at the edges. I’m biding my time. Breathing. Waiting. Pretending that I am feeling stronger and just craving a reconnect. A do-over. Another chance. I’m not gleefully finding my new direction. No sir/m’am. I’m staying in place and hoping that the path I was on appears in my line of view again. I’m hoping to make it to my destination in one piece.

Yikes. That’s not all that empowering to read, is it? But it’s the goddamn truth and that’s what we throw around in these parts. I don’t tell you what I want you to hear/read or think you should hear/read. I share what I think you NEED. I share what will help you grow. Sometimes I share shit that makes you cringe so that you desire to move as far away from that ugh-worthy behavior yourself. That’s right folks. Sometimes I make an example out of myself for the greater good. I’m not a martyr. I’m someone who has been really hurt and who has made some epically bad decisions and wishes different for others, particularly those with good hearts and better intentions.

I bet you feel a little defeated. Like what DID we do today? What was said? What point was made? Well, I laid the groundwork. I told you there is a lot to unwrap here. I wasn’t making that up. This wasn’t a page filler or time waster. This was me trying to explain in one small way why it is so difficult to face letting go. Yeah, and that is just one reason.

In case you missed it with my illustrative story, letting go can be difficult because unless we are someone whose inclination is to run (another problem for another day), human nature says hang in. Give it another try. Give someone a buy. Give them a chance. Let a situation breathe. Be open-minded. Try harder. Be better. Be the bigger person. Sure. Do all of that. But when it’s time to let go. Let the fuck go.

Just a little nugget. More tomorrow.

L.