Hi there. Let’s get into this, shall we? How do you know if you are all in? What does that look like in the context of letting go? Oh, it looks like a lot of different things. Sometimes it looks like when you decide that staying is the same as killing a piece of you. Sometimes it is subtler than that and you just find yourself generally unhappy or lacking in enthusiasm for everyone and everything. Does that make sense? Ultimately, there might be drama but drama is not required to shake things up and prompt better decision making.
I want to be clear that the “all in” I am referring to has nothing to do with staying in a situation or sticking with a person where it is legit the worst thing for you. Nope. I am talking about the all in that is the commitment to you. Your growth. Your journey. Your light. Your education. Your happiness.
Most of us think we are all in. In fact, I know a ton of people that will hypnotize you, using carefully selected and well posted memes, into believing that they are there, ready. They will post motivational shit until the end of time. They will tell you that they are strong and resilient. Sometimes that’s true, but more often than not, it isn’t. They are using those tools as a front to feel stronger about all the things that trouble them, keep them up at night. They believe in that phrase I’ve often discredited (except in the rarest of examples), which is that if they fake it for long enough, they’ll make it.
I’ve said it before and I’m going to keep saying it again, and again. Keep faking it and you will end up so far outside of yourself that you won’t have even the faintest fucking clue how to return. Zero idea. You know what you will have done instead? Set yourself up. Allowed the world to believe (if it is does) that you ‘got this’ so profoundly that no help is required. And, because you know you’ve established that paradigm you will feel powerless when it comes to asking for help and therefore, will be choosing [by default] to sink deeper into the mud.
Want to begin to crawl out? Find drier ground? Stop lying. Stop faking it. Stop telling people what you think they want to hear. That is advice I just gave a young person who is in the very classic letting go situation. She has a long-term friendship that doesn’t serve her any longer. It may have never served her. She uttered those famous words: “I’m done.” I believe she meant them too, but fuck, it is SO hard to keep on meaning those words. After they come out of our mouth, instead of it being up from there, it’s all downhill. We spend every single minute of nearly every day fighting against ourselves. We spend so much time disproving the thing before we are even faced with it.
So yeah, I told her to own her pain. I told her to own the challenge of letting go. I told herself that every time she felt weak (and she WOULD feel weak), to remind herself why she made the decision to let go to begin with. Along those lines, I told her to make sure that spent some time forgiving herself for what our society calls weak thoughts or regrets. I told her those feelings were not a sign of weakness. They are not either. Those feelings are the very essence of what I love about being human. In the face of what should be an easy decision (walking away from someone who is shitty), we feel. Ah, that’s terrible and also pretty fucking amazing, no?
I told her to speak aloud her pain and regret and desire to make it nice. I told her to be kind to herself so when people tell her that this should be an easy decision (said mostly from a place of love), she should either voice that it isn’t an easy decision because of ALL the feelings or just know it herself. I suggested that if she felt like sharing with others, even trusted others, would make her feel worse, then maybe she should process internally. I tend to be an internal processor and while it doesn’t always serve me, sometimes I find that it does. Sometimes there’s nothing better than shutting out all the other voices to hear your own more clearly.
Even when folks are being supportive, sometimes it can feel like anything but a rallying cry. Sometimes in the face of their confidence that it was/is the wrong situation for you, you might end up feeling badly about the feelings you have that are not necessarily aligned with the decision you made. Sometimes you might start to feel like you are splitting in two, and there is the person you are who is strong and resilient and tells your friends and loved ones HELL YES and there is the other person who feels sad and misses that person or situation you walked away from. THIS IS NORMAL. Well, the feelings of sadness or regret are normal. Feeling like you need to prove something to anyone is also normal but kind of shitty which is why I am recommending that perhaps you go in a different direction.
The thing is, in the most wonderful way, when people love you, they might get a little pushy. They might want regular updates. They might want to constantly bash the situation or person you left as a way of picking you up. That sounds lovely on its face, but sometimes that feels worse. Sometimes those rah-rah moments are on a direct collision course with the moments where you crave reconnecting with that person or sidling back up to that situation that felt like second nature to you. Felt like home.
Now, if you feel yourself pulling away from loved ones so you can feel more comfortable folding, then do allow them to instruct you a little (in the most loving way possible). No bullying. Just support. You have to know what that line feels like. You can allow yourself to grieve a loss. You can allow yourself to feel unsure. But if you find yourself wondering why you ever made the decision or glossing over all the shit that took you there, it’s time to tap into a life line. It’s that simple.
And that, my friends, is how you know you are all in. When you choose the tough road in the face of the obstacles, the pain, the struggle. That is all in. When you reach out to grab the hands of those who have your back even when you fear judgment and disappointment because you don’t want to go back to where you were before, that’s all in. When you hear your voice clearly and it says ‘hold the fucking line’…that is all in.
Stay there. For now. Forever. Until tomorrow.
L.
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