Hi. Do you see what I mean yet? How there is so much ground to cover that it seems nearly impossible to get there? Or do you think we’ve just been circling a little clogged drain over the last few days? I’m hoping you are in the first camp but if not, maybe do a revisit when the topic peaks your interest or come back again next week. Why? Well, because this train isn’t stopping until we get to the station and if you haven’t guessed it yet, that is happening on FRIDAY (tomorrow!!) and not before.
I am so determined and impassioned when it comes to this topic because I’ve experienced, seen, and felt that falling down on the job when attempting to let go can quite frankly completely tank you. It can be a great unraveling. The harder and tighter we cling to those things that don’t serve us, the further away from the path to worthy we travel. The more we hold onto those things that require dumping or a gentle separation, the most we lose grip on our truest selves.
And I don’t want that. I don’t want that for me and I sure as shit don’t want that for you. How do we prevent it? Well, it’s pretty simple. We fight our way through letting go. We understand that each new situation that requires letting go will require a separate and distinct identification process and a separate and distinct approach for the actual letting go. I know, that sounds insane. It sounds counter to everything else we’ve learned so far together. But it’s true. The only thing that experience and success in this realm will do for you is it will remind you that when you get to the end of all of it, you will feel so much better. You will feel free. You will feel released.
Once you’ve gotten to the place of letting go, when you face the request to reconnect, it is easier to laugh and say no thanks. You get to remember that sweet spot. It doesn’t make the letting go easier. It doesn’t shorten the grieving process. But it’s a bit of much needed motivation and support. You will remember keenly exactly why you are embarking on such a tough journey to begin with and you will keep on keepin on.
You know what happens when you don’t allow yourself to tap into those feelings and memories? The same thing that could happen the very first time you allow yourself to let go. The best analogy I can use is when you start working out in a new way. You feel so goddamn sore after. It’s the worst. The easiest thing to do is to stop what you were doing that got you to a place of soreness. I know, that sounds silly, but it’s true. Most people will tell you that they felt achy and crappy and took a break until they felt better. Instead of having the memory or feeling or what they might have gotten to eventually, they only have the memory or feeling of that initial relief. Muscles rested. Nothing challenged. Nothing gained. Just relief. A respite from pain.
That’s what happens when we back away from letting go after tiptoeing up to it. We decide we are going to let go and then we start to feel anxiety. What are we going to do without that person? How will we fill that void? What if we are making a bad decision? What if this is our one chance at a certain kind of happiness and we are blowing it? Better not to take the chance. Better not to feel the pain. Better not to venture into uncertainty. Nope. Not better. Safer (in some ways). Easier (in some ways). But, definitely not better. Not even a little.
A gross unkindness to ourselves? Yes. Feels like a kindness, giving ourselves a break from pain. But the thing is, once you get through it, you are through it. My ex walked away from me but I had to let go. I had to make the decision to close the door. I had to decide to never respond to his last bit of communication. I had to decide to stop wondering what happened, how I could have preventing things, what I could have done better, what if, what if, what if. I had to just let go of all of it. It felt like shit. There were days where I felt like my heart had fallen straight out of my chest and left a gaping, open wound in its place. The thing is, it did get easier. I know, it sounds trite. But, it’s true.
I also did little tiny things to make life easier for me. Each of those little acts of kindness were also small acts of letting go. I disconnected and blocked on social media. I stopped telling the story. I got rid of any little thing that was accumulated or kept as a result of our relationship. I purged. I didn’t listen to sad songs and cry. I watched happy movies and read murder mysteries. I didn’t endlessly post meaningful sayings. I mean I did, for a minute. And then I pulled myself the fuck together and told myself to…you guessed it….LET GO.
Why? Well, we are going to gleefully circle back to the inchworm story. When you feel like you’ve let go of a person but you are still hanging on to ALL the pain, you are inchworming the fuck out of something. You are still hanging on. It’s just that the way in which you are hanging on has changed. The face of it is different. But here’s the thing, just because it looks different doesn’t mean it IS different. It is anything but. It is the same. Actually, scratch that. It’s worse. You are not hanging onto that person anymore. You are only holding onto the toxicity that is the memories and thoughts and feelings connected to that person. That is worse because you are almost creating new pain memories. Don’t do it. If you are going to let go…then LET GO my friends. All of it. Every single little thing. I donated a sweater that we got on a shopping excursion together. I bought it. I picked it out. He was just there. Garbage bag out in the donation bin. You feel me?
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
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