Disclaimer: I will record soon. Sorting a few things out. Thanks for your patience ❤
Well hi there everyone. I hope you had peaceful and restful weekends. I did. In fact, so much so that reemerging back to regular life today felt absolutely gut-wrenching. Exhausting. Even painful. I typically have this letdown experience after vacation so that is not really a new phenomenon for me. However, this time around was particularly painful because I am struggling with a couple of things. In other words, I came to some pretty powerful revelations while I was away and that feels amazing and also challenging.
I know, I am being super specific when I make that statement. Bear with me though, because you know I’m going to get there. You just have to give me a minute. Please.
As you likely know by now, I tend to speak in a very candid way about the things I struggle with, that which I contemplate, and what stirs me up. That’s actually been the purpose of this blog since day 1. Stream of consciousness rambling where I take all the dark and twisty shit swirling around inside and outside of me, try to make sense of it, and then share my somewhat well-guided wisdom.
I know it sounds incredibly trite and also a little loony to say that I want to be able to help people, but it’s true. I can’t help you because I’m perfect or always know the right thing to do. Instead, I am hoping that I can be of assistance because maybe I’m a bit further down the path in my stumbling and can let you know what you can expect or maybe I can give you a different point of view or maybe, just maybe, you feel a little less alone after you read my words. Sometimes that’s the worst bit, isn’t it? The solitary feeling that we have as we struggle in life.
Ironically, I have been struggling with my forced alone time during this crisis and yet, I found my peace in solitude. I was able to take a breath when I finally stepped away from my small space and a life made smaller by this viral (literally and figuratively) madness. In the mess of it all, it was challenging for me to sort through my feelings. There were so damn many of them. I’ve been feeling sad, mad, and disappointed. I’ve been feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. I was trying to sort out what was making me feel what, and I was honestly failing miserably. I just couldn’t get to the bottom of it all. So much so that I was blaming the wrong people and situations. I didn’t know where to put my feelings or how to manage them and so I just dumped them.
Sometimes we are scared to step away for the very reason I am describing here. Sometimes we are so comfortable in the craziness that we cling to it like a life raft in a crazy storm. We make the pain we are feeling normal. Regular. Acceptable. It’s not unlike what I was talking about a bit last week. We have fully committed to that bullshit phrase ‘the devil you know…’ and we apply it in every single goddamn situation.
Sure, I feel like shit but what if change makes me feel worse? What if I step out of this crap pile that I’ve become accustomed to and what greets me on the other side is more uncomfortable? Well, yes. Of course that can happen. There are no guarantees with anything in life, ever. I am not sure who the first person was to tell humans that they have to control everything, but holy shit was that was a misguided little tidbit. Good fucking luck. Nothing is life is controllable. Really. Nothing. Even when you think you have control over something, I promise you it’s getting away from you.
I am going to go off on something of a tangent right now but the topic is critical enough that it is worthy of a side step.
You like to control your eating? Well, good luck. Your body will naturally respond to that need to control in one thousand different ways. Malnutrition wreaks a very certain kind of havoc on the body and often before we get there, the body’s craving leads way to binging. Over-exercising your thing? The body will naturally break down and be prone to injury when it’s not listened to or cared for in any way, shape, or form. Need to control your partner? Ha. I’ve never been successful at controlling another human. Even if you think you are successful and have seemingly squished them down to suit your needs, things will implode at some point. Either they will rebel against your or harbor secret resentment. You get the point, right?
I just used some examples that were closer to the tip of my tongue but there are countless available, each more poignant and relevant than the next. I’ve said it before and you will likely read it one thousand more times if you plug into my weekly rants- the only thing we can control (on some significant level) is our reaction to the world and what occurs. We cannot control the world, its inhabitants, or all the shit that is going to befall us. Just doesn’t work that way. Life is a massive game whereas we are constantly swerving to avoid potholes and pitfalls. That’s just the way it works my friends.
So, let’s get back to my point. Why stay in place, motivated by the illusion of control when it is just that? That will literally get you nowhere except standing in place, getting the shit kicked out of you by life. Even if things remain quiet and status quo, you will likely feel that pang at some point. That little jab that life gives you to remind you that you are a sentient, breathing, feeling being and the more you avoid diving in, the further from true connections and happiness you will stray.
What’s my point? Yeah. I know. Sorry. It’s a Monday (generally ugh) and I already told you that I’m a little pissed off that I’m home. It’s scary as shit taking a step back and examining where your life is at. It’s terrifying to strip away the insanity and see what lies beneath. It’s awful to have to evaluate and decide who and what remains at the end of the day, what they mean to you, how you want to engage with them, and what steps you want to take. Shaking in your boots kind of terror. But you know what? It’s so necessary. And when the smoke clears and your grieving process has passed, you will unquestionably find yourself in a much better place. I’m going to jump through those hoops with you over the next few days, so buckle up.
Talk soon.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 