Hi kids. Welcome back. Happy Tuesday. Strange the way that works, huh? After Monday comes Tuesday and so on and so forth, and then suddenly, it’s the weekend. Insane. I’m not going to torture you with talk about time flying anymore. Well, not right now anyway. We have too much to talk about. Just a little nugget floating around my crazy brain.
I was away over the week/end, as I previously shared. While away, I was jogging around the most beautiful lake in upstate New York. It was quiet, the air had a chill in it, and I felt freer than I have in a really long time. I felt like I could breathe. Really breathe. Not survival breath. Enjoying life breath. Excited to be outside in nature breath. Loving my life breath.
The thing is, even when I’m breathing lately, it just doesn’t feel like that. Not even a little. I’m choking on my own anxiety, over everything and everyone. The state of my friendships and relationships, work, the world. Anything you can stress over, I’ve buried deep within my psyche and it’s burning my insides up. I don’t know how to process and I feel tired trying.
I feel difficult. I am being difficult. Why? Well, because I’m not being true to who I am. I’ve discovered that once again, I’ve twirled into a scenario where I am terrified to just be myself. Instead of being truly authentic, as I had pledged, I found myself living in a realm of make believe. The ‘oh sure, that’s fine’ or ‘I’m just being dramatic, ignore me’ or ‘I’m sure I’m not seeing this correctly’ or ‘that doesn’t really bother me’ world. The ‘I’m easy breezy’ universe. Once again, I was convincing myself that I was annoying if I had a voice or raised an issue. Regularly. I was routinely self-identifying as a burden to those around me and therefore, I was convinced that I needed to start shrinking down again.
Holy fucking shit. Can you even believe it? Shame on me. Really. Because that method worked out so well for me the last time around when I tried to employ it? No fucking way. It was an absolute disaster. I was a mess. I lost myself so far into the world of make believe that it took me a proper year to dig out. There is no way I was going to get that deep again, so I decided to dig out a little sooner this time.
I want to explore each component of this journey over the course of the next few days because I think it is that important. It is for me, to me. By journey, I mean the digging out. The look within.
I want to start with the why. I already told you yesterday that I think the avoidance of change for the sake of sameness or comfort is a killer. I think we can agree on that point but either way, it’s something I firmly believe. Okay. So we know we shouldn’t stay put simply for the sake of things, but does that mean that we should plunge forward, always? Um yeah. Pretty much.
The funny thing is the exploration doesn’t always require significant or even any change. It really doesn’t. Sometimes you will take a step back and return with a greater appreciation for what you have already. Sometimes you will want to make a few tweaks but nothing super revolutionary. And sometimes, the baby and bathwater will all get dumped out the window. See ya. There is no formula when it comes to these matters and it is truly an individualized type of situation, so you are just going to have to embark on your own journey and write your own plan as you go.
I know one thing for certain: When we decide not to question anything, we cannot evolve as humans. We cannot grow. We cannot learn what in us needs to change. We cannot learn what around us needs to change. We cannot become the best versions of ourselves if we assume that we have already arrived. That is just not how it works, ever. I don’t know about you, but that is just not acceptable to me. I don’t want to ever get to a point in my life when I feel like my cup is full and I have nothing left to learn. The world will turn into a pot of laden clay at that point, heavy and burdensome. I want color and movement and the only way to “get there” is to push forward. One step at a time, but always aiming for forward motion.
I want to be crystal clear that this does not just apply to folks exactly like me (those flawed people still trying to figure shit out) and everything to do with every single fucking human. Maybe you got the spouse/kids/dogs/house you want. That doesn’t mean you are there. Done. Over it. You still have work to do. You need to reinvest in your relationship, you need to evolve with your children, you need to attend to your dependents while attending to your own needs, and you need to examine whether your space still suits you as time whizzes by.
Sometimes it is harder to want to step back if you finally found what you think you’ve always wanted. Why rock the boat? Why look for issues where none seemingly exist? Well, because you aren’t trying to unearth problems (unless you are and that is a discussion for another day). That’s not the point of this exercise. You are trying to determine where you are in time and space. You are trying to sort out what makes you happy as time takes you on.
We are movable objects. Our feelings change. Our needs change. Our wants change. The world changes around us. We need to constantly look at all of those elements and determine if they are fitting together into a puzzle that suits us. Is there a piece missing? Does something look awry? Or do you want to Modge Podge that shit into one beautiful picture and stick it in a frame?
There are incredibly difficult questions to ask as you move through this and it is a challenging task to take on, but the why is easy. The why is as simple as your need to be happy. That’s it. You want to find joy and peace in life? News flash, that shit takes work. Sorry to break it to you, but that’s the truth. You think the people around you are happy and calm and it just comes easy to them? Think again. Check yourself. That is a social-media perpetuated illusion. EVERYONE that has found contentment has done so with work. Even if the work is a decision to be present, that is still work. Sometimes the work feels easier than other times and there are most certainly times when we get to kick back and enjoy the fruits of our labor. But mostly, we do the work. We work and then we play. That’s the gig my friends.
There are no shortcuts. There is no easy answer. Read a book. Sure. Buy a potion. Knock your socks off. At the end of the day, you’ll end up in the same place I’m describing. Just make sure you’re ready for it.
More tomorrow.
L.
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