Hi friends. We took the longer way to get to the why but now I want to get to the what. Quicker. Easier. Here is the what: everything. You have to look at everything. The friendships you think are rock solid, dig in. The relationships that bring tingles to your stomach, take a closer look. The job that you think you’ve always wanted, ask the question.
You get it, right? There is nothing that is left untouched when you decide to do what I am describing here. When I got away, I looked at everything in my life. My so-called best friends, my job of nearly two decades, my familial ties, my hobbies, my disposition. I left nothing unexamined. I left nothing alone. Everything was fodder for exploration. I was hard on people but harder on myself. I tested everything in my head and on paper. I asked myself incredibly difficult questions. What questions, you ask? Well-
- Does _________ make me happy?
- Would something else (like a substitution) make me happier?
- Is the happier I’m imagining reasonable and achievable?
- Am I contributing to my unhappiness in the situation?
- Are there things I can change in the situation to bring a greater happiness without extricating myself from it?
- Am I being totally honest with myself in this moment?
- Am I exhibiting one of my past behaviors or bad habits and is that the cause of my unhappiness?
- Am I doing everything I can to control my mood or anxiety outside of the situation I am looking at? Are there other factors I am lumping in?
These are just a few of the questions that I asked myself, over and over again. This was a start. This was just the beginning. There were so many other questions. There were questions I began with and there were the questions that emerged as a result of the answers I came to. I found myself writing something down and then realizing I was thinking something different. Why? Well, our natural response whenever we start this kind of exploration is to come to a conclusion that is more palatable. Easier for us and easier for those around us. Sadly, that’s not what this is all about.
I know that you might be feeling some misguided sense of déjà vu, harkening back to my recent posts on letting go. Yes, these concepts weave together, but they are not inclusive. They stand alone. This is a bigger issue than deciding what and when to let go. This is about determining how you are at any point in time. This is about giving yourself a time out.
We are habitual creatures. Even those of us that lead less traditional lives (I’ve often craved that kind of existence, but I’ve never jumped in-more another time), have some measure of habit. Those habits that we’ve developed over time give us direction and purpose. They give us comfort. They can be totally destructive and their steadfast solidarity and reliability feel like a hug when we need it the most. This is why it is so critical to break habit in order to examine where we are at and how we are doing. We cannot see these things in the middle of our habits. We cannot understand how level of contentment when we are fully entrenched in the routine that we have already decided serves us best.
I needed to physically remove myself from my space. I needed to break free of my morning run at 7 am to decide that I love running in the morning. WHAT THE FUCK? Yes. Read that again. I needed to NOT run at 7 am. I needed to NOT set an alarm, to NOT lay out my clothing, and to NOT force myself to do anything to realize I missed it. However, it is more than just missing it. When we have a routine, the feeling of absence can come from the simple removal of that thing. That’s why we need to step away and then ask ourselves. Am I craving that run because my body is so damn used to it? Am I craving it for less than healthy reasons (must-stay-fit-no-matter-what)? Or, do I love everything about it?
Well, I do. You know how I discovered that? I didn’t set an alarm. I woke up. I had coffee and read for a bit. Then I decided to go for a run. I laced up my sneakers and set out. It was still early as I am not a late sleeper, but later than I would usually set out. I didn’t feel off. I felt joyful. There was a crispness in the air reminiscent of my favorite time of year to run (autumn), the scenery was beautiful, and I was blissfully untroubled by thoughts of work or socialization. I was alone and I was free.
This is a very simple example of what I am talking about here. The truth is that even if I discovered that I didn’t super duper love running, it didn’t necessarily mean that I was going to absolutely give it up. Not even close. It just meant that maybe I was going to be a bit more mindful of the activity. Maybe I would spend a little more time exploring what activity, if substituted, might make me feel a little better.
Do you understand where I am going with this? The art of self-exploration is messy. It is challenging and difficult and often heart breaking. It leaves us wanting sometimes because we don’t always get to the bottom of it all. It is not that simple. Sometimes we need more time. Sometimes we need greater space. Sometimes we just need things to move on and we need to continue examining in that context, with the knowledge we’ve gleaned existing around and inside of us.
I want to warn you that tomorrow I want to talk about those that decide to never take that journey. It is going to be admittedly quite critical. I am not in the habit of tearing people down and as such, I will be mindful of the words I use. However I’ve learned that my ability to truly and meaningfully gel with people who never look within is limited, at best. When I’ve tried, I’ve failed. Not always immediate and apparent failure. Sometimes it takes time. There are times that it isn’t a quick flash-in-the-pan implosion. There are times when it doesn’t mean the end of a relationship or friendship. However, it does mean that I move those folks to a very particular place in my life. I shift them. Slightly. Just far enough away so that their darkness doesn’t impinge.
See ya manana.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 