Today we are going to talk about people whose cups are full. Do you know anyone like this? Surely you do. Nearly everyone I’ve dated has been one of these people. I’ve morphed into this kind of person for brief periods as a way to self-preserve. I have had many, many friends like this, some new, some old, some around and some long gone.
Do we need to ditch someone simply because they are resistant to change? This is an important first question so far as I am concerned. The answer is no. Absolutely freaking not. Someone else’s journey is not ours and that is a very important lesson. We should not take on other people’s shit as a general rule. Everyone has their own orbit to spin in and it’s important that we let them spin around, unaided and unencumbered. I mean, don’t get me wrong. They might be burdened, but you’d do well to stay off that list. Being a part of someone else’s garbage when you don’t have to be usually ends poorly, for both of you.
When do we need to move away from one of these folks and why? Well, we need to move away when we feels ourselves being sucked in. If someone is what I like to call an emotional vampire we need to move fast in the opposite direction. How do we know that they are? Well, the most common symptom that I’ve experienced is total fatigue after speaking or spending time with them. You are just entirely drained. Another symptom? Feeling like your mood has changed, for the worse. You were feeling good and you’ve linked up with this person and you are inexplicably feeling shitty now. You feel grumpy, moody, angry, or sad. You can’t really pinpoint where these feelings are coming from other than understanding that they sprung up after you had a tete-a-tete with this other human.
Why do we need to? Well, when someone has the effect on us that I just described, what the fuck would appeal about hanging out with them for extended periods of time? Not so appealing, right? The only thing that keeps us coming back for more is fear or misguided loyalty.
To clarify, I am NOT talking about when your bestie is having a bad day/week/month. At all. I am also not telling you to tell someone to fuck off because the COVID crisis is having an unreal impact on them. You will likely know this person well enough to discern either way and I would implore you to make a wise and well-thought through determination. Don’t blame their shitty treatment on COVID if this crisis is just another excuse in a string of many excuses. Same goes for any life situation. Are they getting divorced or have they lost their job? There are so many life changes that can rock someone’s world. Give them a manageable amount of time to somewhat get their shit together (enough to treat you in the way in which you deserve to be treated) and then decide your next steps.
I can’t say that this is always the case, but I’ve found that those who are unwilling to get help when they are really in the weeks—this is not usually an experiment that ends well. Again, there is no hard and fast rule here. I am just saying that I’ve usually found this particular breed of fear and obstinacy to result in a friendship or relationship that is rocky at best.
I have spent time in my life as the kind of human I am describing and candidly, I am sorry for those who surrounded me and loved me during this time. I was selfish and misguided. I was angry and made dramatic proclamations that were not based in reality. I clung to the hope of something or some things that wouldn’t even serve me if they actually came to fruition. Nothing about the person I was during those times is attractive when I look back now, but I needed to get my shit together before I could see that.
Thus, not only am I in a unique position to tell you what happens to a person who doesn’t take the time to examine their shit and do something about it, but I’m also here to tell you that those folks can change and become a different kind of person. I did. Again, it is all about your tolerance and your belief in whether or not they are actually going to get there (and if they even want to). Here is what I’ve learned. It’s not an absolute, but it’s fairly commonplace. If someone talks about wanting to change all the time but never does anything about it, those are usually the people that might never get there. They are also the people that will drag you to hell and back. Why? Well, because on some level, they are self-realized enough to acknowledge that something is broken. They are intelligent enough to see that thing for what it is. They are also making a decision to live with it. They might be too shattered to change or they might be fully committed to their own pain for any variety of reasons. Don’t try and speak reason to these people. It is wasted breath. They will ignore you, belittle you, carelessly agree with you (while silently disagreeing with you), or resent your intrusion. They need to find their own way out, if that is ever to be. Again, if they are talking about it, they’ve usually woven it into the fabric of their soul.
While everyone is different, it usually takes an explosion or major life event to motivate change in those folks. They have to lose something or someone important to decide that something needs to move.
You have to be able to read these situations for what they are but I would caution you that the folks I am describing are very manipulative. Look beyond what they say to you and incorporate their actions. Not just towards you but how they exist in the world. Are you getting a different story than others? Is it because you are a trusted few or because you are an easy target? I can’t tell you that. You have to decide that for yourself. I would recommend handling these situations gingerly and with care. Why? Well, you might make an error in judgment. You might decide to change your mind. Easier to walk back to that person and ask for a do-over if you haven’t blown shit up. Just saying.
If you are this person, as I’ve been, I would implore you to ask yourself in the most real way possible whether this life you’ve chosen is serving you. You are treading water with no rescue in sight. The good news? You have the ability to conjure a life raft. It’s all up to you.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
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