Hey. I know that I have talked about this before, but I believe it to be an absolute truth, so here goes: There are ebbs and flows in relationships. Very few people like to admit this because it feels disappointing and dirty, and yet the feelings in a relationship DO waiver. We love each other more and less over time.
NOTE: This isn’t about who wears the pants (though I fucking hate that expression and I tend to prefer a good dress). This is about who loves the most.
I mean. Wow. First of all, who cares who loves the most? True. In fact, I might argue that those who utter ‘I just want to find someone who loves me more than I love them’ are immature as shit. Sorry. I’m not a name caller usually, but in this case, I think it is very important for me to spell that out for you. It doesn’t mean you are a shitty person or you are a hopeless case. It means you might have a naïve and somewhat juvenile view on love and relationships.
Why do I say that? Well, a mature human recognizes that it is the equity in a relationship that helps steer it through troubling times. You need to have that solid foundation of feeling on equal footing with another human to weather a storm. Worship of another human inevitably leads to a fierce topple off a high throne. Eventually, the ‘you are perfect’ blinders come off and that person sees the other as a real human and then shit gets real. In the worst way possible.
Mutual love and admiration? That’s the stuff. And that level playing field does very much exist in the world where things gently shift back and forth between two humans. Sometimes this occurs over the course of a day and sometimes these things take years. There is no right or wrong answer. In fact, the acceptability of the level of feelings that each partner has in a relationship is very personal to that particular relationship. It is all about comfort. And that, my friends, is the most personal and subjective of situations.
By the way, in case you thought this was already complicated, there are also a zillion elements that come into play that challenge or change feelings, temporarily or permanently. Children, work, life stress, world events.
Okay, so if we know (and I am stating this as a fact, sorry) that two people coming from a similar place makes for the best relationship and emotional connection then why do people crave something different? Well, usually it is because something is broken. Broken in their relationship or broken in them. They are craving attention that cannot be achieved in the normal back and forth in a healthy relationship. They are seeking to fill a void that exists because of an issue outside of their relationship. They have been diminished in a past relationship or witnessed a loved one experiencing something of that nature and decided that the only way to right that wrong is to have a relationship that looks fundamentally different.
The crazy thing is we humans are so different but this is a hard truth for most of us. Nuances aside, there are similarities all over the damn place when we dig into the emotional core. Someone who is asked to be the carrier of the heaviest load of emotions will likely eventually get sick of holding such a role. They will desire their own attention, adoration, love. They will begin to question the double standard that exists. They will wonder why they are being punished for the sins of another. They will wonder whether the feelings coming from the other person are true or if they are just being used. That is what happens. It just does. Sometimes they leave when they come to this revelation and then sometimes they stay and decide to punish the person who has “forced” them into this relationship. They take all of their resentment, frustration, and over-extension and exact their punishment.
They might go in the opposite direction, acting neglectful or cruel. They might seek attention from someone else to make the person jealous or push them to recognize their value. There are so many directions that this situation can go in, and none are really attractive. Most are terrible and end with a good deal of hurt feelings. Ugly and unnecessary.
You know what is even crazier? The person who is getting worshipped can tire of it. They might begin to take that person for granted. That person might be diminished in their eyes for never standing up, staying strong, or pushing back. There might be a hole in them that grows larger over the years where it cannot be filled by the affection and attention of just one person, but rather, that is needed from multiple people.
You are getting where I am going with this, aren’t you? I don’t have even one example where this situation works out for someone. Not even one. 99.9% of the time, when there is inequality in a relationship for any extended period of time, with no end in sight, it shatters the relationship into a zillion pieces.
All of this ties together too, in case you were worried.
You have to know yourself and what love means to you and you have to examine that love regularly to understand whether you are still satisfied in your relationship. Both partners must do this. That is the work that needs to get done. And yet, people rarely do it.
I mean, how often have you heard someone express with barely hidden glee and jealously that someone is in a relationship where their significant other ‘worships the ground they walk on’? I’ve heard it time and again. When I was younger, that sounded amazing to me. That sounded like the purest version of #goals I could possibly imagine. I still talk to friends who tell me that their goal is to find someone who loves them more. But the me of today? No way. No thanks. No how. I don’t want to be loved more or less. I want to find that perfect measure of equanimity. That place where I know where I stand. Where I can excite someone and disappoint them all at the same time. And they can do the same. Where we understand that we are fundamentally human and celebrate that in each other. When shit gets real, we don’t wonder who we are sitting across from. We know it, as sure as anything. Or we have the comfort level to ask.
Until….tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 