Hi. Happy Monday (oxymoron?).
I found myself involved in a situation today where I had to ask myself if I was being too sensitive. I didn’t just ask myself. I actually called my mother and asked her whether she thought I was too sensitive. She told me that I didn’t need to justify my feelings with anyone else’s opinion. I explained that I know how I feel generally but also, I was in the thick of it and sometimes when we are swirling around in turmoil, it’s easy to lose perspective.
Anyway, we talked things through and I came to the same conclusion that I had originally. I didn’t expect another human, not even the one who birthed me, to explain my feelings to me. I just wanted to say how I was feeling out loud. I wanted to give my words and thoughts and deepest emotions wings to fly. Why? Well, here is what people rarely tell you. When you stand still with those feelings, even if you don’t bury them, they often morph. Yup. I said it and I mean it. Those feelings that we’ve decided are what they are become something that we may not even recognize.
Does this make any sense to you? Maybe not, so I’ll see if I can explain.
If I hadn’t called mom to talk through what I was suffering with, I likely would have just accepted the feelings I was turning over in my heart as an overreaction. That’s right. I would have told myself that I was being ‘extra’ in these feelings, but as a pat-myself-on-the-back kind of caveat, I would have added on that ‘this is who I am so people can take it or leave it.’ Do you know what that does? That reinforces the notion that while I have certain feelings and I am not actively working to change them; they might not be “right”. In other words, I’ve unknowingly and inadvertently planted a seed of doubt deep within me. I’ve given my feelings a backdoor.
Okay fine, but I still have my own permission to feel the way that I do, so who cares? Well, the problem is complicated (isn’t it always?). First of all, when someone else does something to me that might typically elicit a similar reaction, I might find myself hitting the pause button. I’ve given myself permission to act that way with one other human but that doesn’t mean I should sprinkle that goodness everywhere. Secondly, since I’ve created a compartment within me for ‘reactions that are too much but are just me’, I’m apt to dump a whole host of emotions in there. In other words, I might lose my scale or my ability to weigh and measure each situation on its own accord. I throw the baby out with the bath water.
Before I go on, I think we should real world the shit out of these points so we can all find ourselves on the same page. A friend is using me. I am a back-up friend. I am a friend that is called when no one else is around. I am a friend that will hang around until they find me useful again. I feel hurt and disappointed and tell that friend that I’m not capable of hanging. Although there is good, the bad seems to outweigh the good and I just can’t do it. I tell myself that if I were tougher and less mushy, I’d be able to roll with it, but I’m not and that’s okay. So long as I can do what needs to be done. Then, I link up with another friend who just so happens to be using me. By the way, this isn’t some majestic coincidence. You know that, right? If you have a soft soul and a penchant for putting people’s needs before your own, you will likely attract the same types of personalities over and over again. This is called a pattern my people. Anyway, I decide not to shut this other person down because it feels like a lot. I’ve already disclaimed a friendship on the basis that it’s what I need it to be, how could I possibly do this again? I mean, I’ll tell you how, but later.
I find myself dating someone who isn’t terribly respectful. He is hot and cold, in and out. I find this stressful but I can’t decide if I find this stressful because it IS stressful or because that’s who I am. I know, I know…who I am isn’t a bad thing. We will get to all of that. Right now, I just want you to see how these connections can be made. How we can start to break down our processing, analysis, and interactions when we can’t be honest in a meaningful way about how we are feeling. And that honesty often emerges when we give our thoughts and feelings sound. An audience.
I give this email etiquette seminar to interns or at least I used to when we had interns that we trained in person. Outside of all the other tidbits of wisdom I bestowed upon them, I used to tell them that they should make a habit out of reading their emails out loud. I advised that there is something profound about hearing your words in real time. Words or sentiments that seem benign or innocent in an email or memorandum, take on new meaning when read aloud. Hearing what we’ve written allows us to more easily identify run on sentences, poor grammar, inappropriate word choice, and an unintended tone.
Cool, what the fuck does THAT have to do with THIS? Well, the same thing happens when it comes to our internal life. Not only does giving sound to our words remove any aspect of uncertainty or shame, but it provides a unique sort of clarity. I often find myself saying ‘well, I actually mean __________’ or ‘now that I am saying it, that’s not exactly what’s bothering me, but this is…’.
We need to feel free to feel what we feel. We need to feel free to talk about what we feel. We need to feel free to act on what we feel. We need to feel free to apply the same standard across the board, to anyone and everyone without self-critique. Here is the most critical part though. Are you ready? We need to be able to accept ourselves with all of our sensitivities. No matter what. If someone can’t get on board with that, it doesn’t mean we have to change, it might mean we have to move that person the fuck out. That’s not an easy choice but it’s critical that it’s contemplated. This is what I like to call self-acceptance.
It’s a beautiful thing. More tomorrow…
L.
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