Day 166.

Good day all.

I brought up patterns yesterday and it felt like taking a test tube of water out of the ocean. Patterns are such a vast and massive topic. I’ve touched on the topic before, but it feels like the perfect time for a revisit. Why? Well, it is clear to me that we are more apt to fall into patterns of behavior when we are feeling stressed. When we are happy and feeling good overall, we are often in a better position to fight. When we are struggling, there is an inherent weakness there, and it leaves us vulnerable.

We all have patterns of behavior. Even the most fly-by-the-seat-of-his/her-pants person has patterns. There is order in disorder. That is just the way these things work. Patterns come in all shapes and sizes and they are entirely personal. There are healthy patterns and not so healthy patterns. What’s even more challenging? There are patterns that are healthy with unhealthy twists. Ugh. I know. It’s true though.

Let’s dive in. I feel like it’s fair to first share with you my patterns of behavior that I had to change. I’m not going to list all of them because we will literally be here all day. I am just going to give you a few. So here goes:

1. Acting solicitous after a disagreement with someone
2. Allowing people to twist a situation to always be my fault
3. Being used
4. Backing down after a confrontation when I am faced with being blamed for someone else’s bad behavior or when someone is trying to convince me that things are fine as is

I don’t think we need to list many more, right? The couple that I just shared are pretty cringe-worthy. I don’t mean I’m embarrassed of them. I don’t mean I’m ashamed to share them with you.  I mean that I am really fucking glad that I committed to doing the work to move away from this kind of behavior. I am glad that I strive to be a person who is bad-pattern breaker rather than one who clings to such out of comfort.

We are in the middle of a pandemic. Yes, we still are and if you don’t believe that, feel free to bow out of this post right now. I’m not forcing you to leave, I’m saying that is a FACT, not an opinion so I’m not debating it. Being in the middle of a pandemic means that shit is weird and uncomfortable. Our regular lives or what we think of regular have been paused and we are operating by a different set of rules right now. Many of us are operating in smaller circles. Stress is high and time feels like it’s flying by and also endless. Many are contending with stress related to or caused by relationships, children, and work. That means we are feeling a whole plethora of emotions like sadness, fear, anger, and confusion. That means we are exposed. Huh? Yes. When we are not in an even-keeled state and when emotions are running high, we tend to attract situations that draw on our already diminished energy. We feel incapable of ‘putting up a fight’ or resisting the urge to fall back on behaviors that don’t really serve us.

That begs the question: how do we wiggle out of patterned behavior at a time when we feel like we just cannot handle one more thing? How do we escape the comfort of patterns when everything else feels uncomfortable?

You know the answer I am going to give you so let’s not pretend. It’s all about the work. You have to be ready to do the work. But what does the work look like when everything feels crappy and overwhelming all around? It looks harder but also, more rewarding. When you conquer breaking free of patterning during a time like this it feels absolutely glorious. You actually have the time and bandwidth to appreciate how unburdened you feel when you get there.

The thing is, even when we know something is going to feel amazing, we still fight against ourselves. We still resist. We are too damn scared to do what we know is going to feel good, better. What that means is that the first step is addressing that fear. We need to admit to ourselves that there is something in the same old that we like. Even if that same old feels like shit, we wear it like an old cozy sweatshirt. We are terrified to try and break something else in. We literally just admit that we are scared to stop doing whatever the thing is by admitting the result or consequence that scares us.

I’m going to use my shitty patterns as an example for you, as follows:

1. I am afraid that if I stop acting solicitous after a disagreement with someone, we will not make up and I will lose them
2. I am afraid that if I do not allow people to twist a situation to always be my fault, they will walk away from me rather than accepting responsibility
3. I am afraid that if I refuse to be used by people, they will not want to be around me at all
4. I am afraid that if I do not back down after a confrontation when I am faced with being blamed for someone else’s bad behavior or when someone is trying to convince me that things are fine as is, the confrontation will result in me losing that person

So yeah, speaking of patterns…do you see one here?  I am afraid of breaking all of my patterned behavior because I am afraid of people leaving me or that I’ll lose people. I am less afraid of this today than I used to be, but that fear is still there. Still present. However, now I own it. I admit it. I am aware of it. It makes things less scary when you bring them into the light.

Okay, so we have that part down. Admit your fears so you can begin to overcome them.

As for the next step, I am going to tell you what I do. What I’ve done. You have to find a process that suits you. Here’s the thing, it’s a pretty massive undertaking so this chat is going to bleed over into tomorrow. I am going to introduce it today and we are going to crack this method wide open tomorrow. You have to learn your lessons from your patterned behavior and then go from there. I know, that sounds meh but it’s a biggie.

More tomorrow.

L.