Learn your lessons? That sounds benign, right? Maybe it even sounds little lame or super intuitive. It’s not, not, not. It’s actually pretty intense. The first thing we need to do in order to learn a lesson is pay attention, to focus. Our brain cannot absorb and learn something without understanding it and that understanding does not arrive without us having all of the information, including relevant context. The heart is pretty much the same in this regard.
Again, this all sounds pretty silly until you think about the sheer number of people walking this earth who are just going through the motions. In fact, this pandemic was a wake-up call to so many because it was a major disruption in the ‘same old’. You might have been one of those people and no judgment. I wasn’t going through the motions per se, but there were definitely things that I took for granted until I was forced to face their absence.
Anyway, that was a crafty little side bar, albeit relevant. We need to fully plug into the things that we want to meaningfully comprehend. If I want to understand how I establish patterns in romantic relationships, I need to be more present in my relationships. I need to make note of my responses and reactions. I have no doubt that you just read that and thought how you always do that. But do you? I can tell you that for many years, I didn’t. Mostly because I was focused on being present and I was under the misconception that the desire to be ‘here’ conflicted with taking stock. False. Furthest thing from the truth.
When you are committed to observing your own behavior and the consequences of said behavior, it is actually the most present you can be. Just that commitment is in some fashion the very essence of santosha. I spoke about that yogic concept months ago. Contentment with what is. Santosha. It is actually a higher state of being. I know that sounds incredibly hokey but bear with me for a moment because I promise you it is not what you think it is. I am not speaking about some crazy unachievable nirvanic state. Not even a little. I am referring to the calm that passes over you when you feel chill in the moment. I am talking about the peace that comes with not living in a turbulent past or a bleak future, but just in the right now.
When you are committed to remaining in the right now, you have given yourself the gift of freedom. Freedom to encode the world around you. Freedom to collect that information which is your behavior within any number of scenarios and then store the information so that you can retrieve it when it becomes pertinent and necessary.
Maybe this still sounds very far-reaching so I’m going to use an analogy that might bring clarity. On my little retreat a week or so ago, I had the opportunity to sit outside under the stars. I couldn’t believe how many stars and planets I could see and how big and clear the moon looked. Those stars and planets and the moon are visible from where I live. The thing is, I rarely have the opportunity to stroll at night to appreciate them and when I do, they are fairly obscured by the blazing lights of civilization. The quieting of my mind and my surroundings allowed me to bear witness to the magnificence of the night sky, unhidden and fully present.
Do you see what I mean now? When you clear away thoughts that do not belong in the moment (what you did or what you are going to do) and allow yourself to focus on the task at hand (absorbing the lessons available in any moment), the task becomes infinitely easier. Not easy, just easier. You have cleared away obstacles that you have power over such that the uncontrollable ones are more manageable. You can navigate around them in a way that is far more relaxed.
Okay, so now you know what to do to place yourself in the best position to learn the lessons, to break the habits, but what comes after? Well, you need to figure out how to lift and translate the information around you so that it helps the mind and heart. The actual learning part is what I am referring to as the rest is well, prep.
Oh, I almost forgot, there is one last piece of prep that actually continues through the learning bit. You need to set aside your ego. You need to remain humble. Why? Well, if you are consumed by the notion that you are ‘too smart’ or ‘too experienced’ or ‘too old’ to do anything, you will be unlikely to do the things you need to do to prevent yourself from doing them. I know, that was a mouthful. Let’s take that down a notch. If I tell myself [and others] that I am too smart to be taken advantage of by a man again, I will let down my guard and likely, be taken advantage of again. If I tell myself that I am no longer susceptible to a friend’s manipulation, I will likely find myself sucked right into his/her web. You need to own that you are human and flawed and shit happens. You need to pre-forgive yourself (yes, that’s a thing…I’m MAKING it a thing) for making mistakes and give yourself major props when you are able to recover quicker than you might have historically. So, you have to check yourself first and then continue to remind yourself of your fragile humanity again and again so you don’t forget.
Once we are as tuned in and chill as we can be, the learning part begins. Believe it or not, that is actually the easiest part of this process. You don’t have to memorize and take in every single detail. Not even close. In fact, I find it best when I just pay attention to the following: red flags, triggers, latent feelings, lingering feelings, and poignant parts of the interaction. Again, what that looks like in real time is as follows: 1. Red flags- someone who uses controlling language, like “you should” or “you shouldn’t”; 2. Triggers- someone who says things for the purpose of baiting me, i.e. “I know you are going to be mad at me but….”; 3. Latent feelings- a small stirring of anxiety or unrest in our belly that we can’t tie to something specific; 4. Lingering feelings- you are still upset or uneasy after a so-called resolution; and 5. Poignant parts of an interaction- the parts of the conversation or actions that are most impactful, such as a threat to leave or a suggestion for you to leave.
When you catalog these points, it becomes easier to draw dotted lines between interactions to understand your patterns. Sometimes you just need one of these points to see what is going on. I meet a man who tells me who I should and should not be friends with and when I try and push back, he threatens to end things. My habit is to give in. The lesson is to not give in as I remember that the result is pain, insecurity, and overall unhappiness.
I know, I’m making something extremely intense and important sound very simple and easy. I know it’s not, not even a little. But sometimes we have to break things down to their elements and examine them there so they seem surmountable. You know…baby steps.
More tomorrow.
L.
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