Sup. We made it. End to another week. Glorious and terrifying. My thoughts and posts really ran the gamut this week but I hope you see how they all tie together. If we are committed to a life of greater satisfaction and peace, we have to put in the elbow grease. It’s a tough order but no one said this whole thing was going to be simple or easy.
I am not coming at you in a preachy, holier than thou kind of way. I have suffered and struggled immensely and I continue to. Not only am I challenged by my relationships, but I am forced to reexamine them in a completely different way right now. The world is a tinier place in so many respects. I am cutting people slack and giving them space in a new way but I am also paying greater attention.
I am plugged in to what people say and how they act. I am attentive to what and who they prioritize and how they respond when I alert them to my discomfort or difficulty. I find myself less reactive and more proactive. Instead of unraveling or become unhinged, I am processing and thoughtfully determining what would best serve me. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t gotten really sad or mad. It means that I am channeling those emotions in a more positive fashion.
I know, I sound like a thought of the day self-help calendar right now, so let’s get a little real. In the past, when I’ve grown distant from a friend, I found myself feeling despondent. Solicitous. Desperate. I clung to the notion of what we used to be. I started to grieve a friendship that hadn’t even ended yet in a way that might not even contemplate the friendship as it exists today. Now I examine how I feel. I look within. I ask myself what I am hanging on to. What we used to be? What we could be? Or what we are? I decide what I am capable of handling in the most honest way possible. I no longer challenge myself to be someone I am not.
I want to be clear that the statement I just made is not about me getting stuck or remaining so. Not even close. I can simultaneously learn not to be so attached to or dependent on people while having a bottom line that I can articulate to people. You know, it’s the ‘this far and no further’ concept. It’s understanding that you can meet someone where they are (generally or in a moment) but when it just doesn’t feel good, ever, it might be time to say goodbye. It might be time to move on. It feels incredibly shitty and painful when you have to let go of something, as we’ve discussed very recently, but it’ll feel worse if you continue to try jamming that square peg into a round hole.
What do all of these words mean? What do ALL the words from this work mean? It means that every single day I wake up and I make a commitment to myself and the people who share my life. I have decided that I will always do the work to improve myself and when that means giving people space, I will do my best to get there, and when that means letting go, I will find the strength I need and then grieve in the way I need to.
I will forever examine my own behavior to see where I falter and trip. I will invite myself to do better and be better. Not perfect. Not amazing. Just a little better every day. I want to close out the week by describing to you a few ways I can work on me so maybe you can understand more deeply what I am talking about:
- I want to acknowledge that if people are too tough, too cold, too dismissive, I am not capable of being in their lives.
- I want to admit that being ignored triggers me and I want to learn to move further away from people who ignore me (maybe all the way away or just far enough away so it doesn’t sting).
- I want to decide that I have never been and will never be okay with double standards in my friendships or relationships. I don’t want or need tit for tat but I won’t be held to a standard that someone else fails to abide by on any level.
- I want to be okay with the fact that it is challenging to be friends with people who think they are beyond help. I want to move from a place of frustration to a place of compassion. That doesn’t mean I’ll want to always share my life with them, but it means that I’ll be kinder and more open.
- I want to know that my desire to be less sensitive, more ‘go-with-the-flow’, and more like everyone else is understandable but harmful.
Do any of my points or goals resonate with you? Maybe you are on the other end of one of these sentiments because your personality is on the other end of the scale. That’s okay. Maybe my points feel annoying to you. That’s okay. That’s the whole point. This journey is so shareable in so many ways and so personal in so many others. You should feel surrounded by people who are also working and struggling and striving but you should also feel the freedom to figure out what the fuck you need to live a happier and more peaceful life.
People keep posting memes about 2020. They talk about how silly is it that we celebrated at the end of 2019. They bemoan a seemingly endless onslaught of shit; one thing after the next like coronavirus, fires, riots, and murder hornets. They are trying to fast forward to the next season, not because they can’t wait to dig into a pumpkin spice latte, though maybe a little bit because of that, but because they want to get through all of this nonsense and imagine a time beyond it when things feel better. Tamer. Safer. Calmer. I hope for that too, but I am also using this time to take stock. It’s hard, the forced slow down, but also, it’s a gift.
I had become a little arrogant in my process. I was feeling good. I was sailing through life. I had my socialization, work, and a roof over my head. The full stop that we’ve encountered forced me to look a little closer. It’s easy to eat up people’s promises when life is moving. See you soon? Sure. Have to put a date on the calendar? Will do. I’ll be in touch, okay? Absolutely. Then all of a sudden, the smoke clears and you get to call bullshit. Because it is. Bullshit. And you get to look a little closer, take your temperature, and make decisions that feel good for you. It’s a beautiful thing. I know things are scary right now. I get it. But, there’s a silver lining too.
Have a great weekend.
L.
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