Day 173.

I had this whole thing that I wrote for today. I was ready to go. And then, I went for my morning run. Okay, great. That’s nothing extraordinary. I mean it is in the sense that I have to self-motivate to get my ass out the door every morning, but not mind-blowing in the way of other magical or impressive feats.

I was doing a guided run so I was sort of zoning out. I don’t know if you are a runner or a walker or what your pleasure is but I can tell you that I’ve started to grow an affinity for the zone-out. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean that I am checked out of my surroundings and don’t give a shit what’s happening around me (that could be incredibly dangerous while on a run). I just mean that I am able to get all the thoughts out of my head. I am able to make my run something of a meditation. The temps were in the low 70s, humidity was almost nill, the sky was crystal clear blue with a few white puffy clouds, and the world was still waking up.

I was able to complete the speed bursts that I was instructed to tackle and then hear my breath slow and reset as I recovered. The music for this particular run was Broadway show tunes and while it’s not my normal jam, it was thoroughly enjoyable. Well, except that I started to think about how much I miss going to shows. I know, boo hoo. There are people that are unemployed and sick. There are people who have lost loved ones. Big fucking deal if I can’t go sit in a nice cushy theater for the sole purpose of being entertained by some really talented folks. Well that’s true and also, not.

I’m very grateful for my life in some many ways but that WAS still my normal at one point. I don’t take that point for granted but going to a Broadway show was something that I had the privilege of doing here and there. I went to the theater and out to dinner. I traveled. Those are things that were part of my life pre-COVID. I am hoping that they are part of my life again once day, but they aren’t now and that’s that.

Anyway, I was thinking about how much I miss things and then I was almost instantly consumed with thinking about all the people who rely on the theater or entertainment or the like for their financial well-being. What about the actors and support staff (i.e. lighting crew, musicians, etc.)? How are they faring? How are they surviving? How much longer can they do this? Yeah, all the sad things were filling my brain. I was chock full of gloominess.

But then, I did my best to push the darkness out of my head and force myself back into my run. I reminded myself why I was out there. Not just to stay fit physically but to keep my mind and heart healthy. To keep myself present and grounded and as light as I can under these bizarre circumstances.

Sometimes this process is as simple as trying to hear my breath or my footsteps on the pavement. Sometimes it is a more arduous process and requires a greater effort. Is this a tutorial on focused running? I mean, what is going on? Nope. It isn’t. First of all, I’m a pokey little puppy when it comes to running and therefore, I am not in a position to advise anyone. Secondly, I have no intention of transitioning this blog into some physical fitness instruction situation. I am setting the stage for what happened next and trying to explain how my “running skills” have served me outside of that activity.

Back to my story. I had found my groove again and was getting closer to home and began to see families starting to make their way towards one of the three or so schools in my immediate area. They were taking first day of school pictures on the front lawn, piling into cars, waiting for school buses, and walking down the sidewalks. There were two things that I noticed immediately as I transitioned to the road to give them space to walk freely: (i) many of them were wearing or carrying masks and (ii) most of them looked nervous as hell.

I almost instantly got a pit in my stomach and felt my throat filling with tears. It wasn’t just the strangeness of it all that I felt. It was the anxiety. The sadness. The anger. The frustration. The fear. So much fear. Here’s the thing, I know for sure that people tend to be worried when their kids set off to school under the best of conditions. They want them to do well, make friends, and have fun. Now, parents need to add to that list that they hope their kids keep their masks on, wash their hands and use anti-bac as instructed, follow all the rules generally, and oh, try to still enjoy going to school on top of all of that.

Madness. I don’t care how tough you are as a human. That is utter insanity. I am not a parent, but I cannot imagine something worse than sending your kid into a situation where you aren’t sure they are going to be safe. And then, I thought about the teachers and all the non-teacher employees, like crossing guards, janitorial staff, administrative staff, administration, and everyone else who is effectively putting their lives on the line to do their jobs as is expected of them. And then, I thought about all the kids who are doing virtual learning either full time or part time this year. Parents or guardians who are gazing at their children sitting in front of a computer, hoping that they are able to acclimate and learn in a way that’s meaningful, despite the challenges. Shit. Sucks.

Yup, you heard it here first. There I was crying about a Broadway show and then I realized there are zillion people who can’t make a living right now for the same reason I can’t sit my privileged ass in a chair and watch it. And then I thought about all the munchkins and humans who are contending with the first day back to school today and what that means, in all shapes and sizes.

I am still bummed that things feel so upside down for me, but I also had the opportunity to be made profoundly aware AGAIN of how we are all in this giant pot together. Even those of us who are living in a parallel reality of pretending like this doesn’t exist or isn’t a big deal, are still forced to face how the world is shifting around them.

Cool, where does the running fit into this stream of consciousness insanity? I know, I know, I have my moments but if I say I’m going to get back, I will. So here goes…

It can be unbelievably overwhelming and daunting to face the never ending-ness of what is going on right now. I told a friend the other day that if I know there was a finite end in sight, even if that was like six months from now, I’d feel better than NOT knowing. But I can’t know. No one knows. So we just have to take day by day and see what develops. So, that means we have to rejoice in the fact (yes, I used that word) that we are all in it together, or at least some of us. We have to FEEL the togetherness that exists. We have to support each other and lift each other up. We have to turn to each other when we are feeling down or scared or frustrated. We have to be able to vent. We have to be able to look at someone struggling and offer to be a shoulder for them if they need it. We have to sometimes work a little harder to pull ourselves together and be stronger and more present for the sake of someone else.

So, when we feel ourselves drifting off to a land of a bleak future, we have to breathe. Listen to our inhales and exhales. Feel our heart beating in our chest. Pull ourselves firmly into the right now. Stay as positive as we can. For ourselves, for each other. Double tie your shoelaces, hydrate, smile, and repeat after me: I am doing the best I can. YOU are doing the best you can.

Talk to you tomorrow. Hang in there.

L.