Okay my friends. Let’s chat about the latent firecracker. I will tell you that I was more this human as a teenager than as an adult. In fact, I cannot recall a time as an adult where I erred on the side of this personality. Again, I am not putting myself on a pedestal or telling you how amazing I am. I am strictly trying to explain that this is a personality I’ve experienced more due to my interactions with others rather than a self-exploration. I wasn’t exactly super plugged into my behavior and its consequences as a teen.
Latent firecrackers are dangerous people. They don’t just explode over something that could be seen as trivial or unworthy. They also store up every little thing that’s ever occurred in the history of your relationship to use as ammunition once the shit hits the fan. Sometimes this behavior is deliberate and other times, it is just their default. They find themselves frustrated or angry in response to something that has occurred but they’ve determined it does not deserve a reaction.
I want to be clear that the analysis that is done to arrive at that conclusion is typically not robust or rational. Not even a little. It can be something as simple as they have too much going on and don’t feel like ‘dealing with it’ or sometimes they’ve decided that they want to ‘be the bigger person’. That sounds all well and good until you realize that they aren’t letting go of whatever happened. They haven’t decided to move on from it. They are holding it in their emotional arsenal. They are throwing it on the list of perceived wrongdoings to be used at their discretion.
There is an important nuance to address here because there are times when it is useful to table something or to decide not to react without it being the process of a latent firecracker. Sometimes we decide to hold a reaction because we feel like we need greater context to understand the full or lasting impact it might have. I am going to share a very silly example, but I think it is a solid way to get across my point. I tell my significant other that I don’t care for mayo and he brings me a sandwich with mayo on it. I think to myself that he hasn’t listened to me but I decide that it was nice that he brought me lunch, I am not going to focus on that particular detail. I decide to wait and observe whether he generally forgets or sets aside information about me that I’ve shared. I don’t lose my shit when I’ve hit what I consider to be my threshold. I simply feel like utilizing several examples rather than one feels more reasonable. So, instead of telling him I’m hurt that he brought me a mayo schmeared sandwich, I tell him that I feel like he isn’t listening as evidenced by the mayo sandwich, dirty laundry on the floor, and repeated ‘who’s that’ questions about the co-worker I refer to on a regular basis. I am not exhibiting latent firecracker behavior in this example as it is not my goal to level or wound my significant other. In fact, I will even offer assumption of responsibility if it is appropriate. For example, I might tell him that I feel like we aren’t communicating well and ask if there is something I am doing (i.e. sharing this information in massive back and forth texting convos) that is contributing to him not absorbing the information.
The latent firecracker doesn’t much care when it comes to the peacefulness of an exchange. They are unconcerned about the damage they might cause the relationship and they are not even interested in changing the paradigm going forward. They are losing their shit for one reason and one reason only: to level the person on the other end of their wrath. In fact, they might be taking shit from MANY different individuals and unleashing their insanity on one human who is not responsible for all of it.
You know that person you work with who everyone talks about, saying that it is clear they don’t ‘wear the pants’ (despise that expression, as you know) at home which is why they are such a bully at work? That is the latent firecracker. Rather than addressing shit at home or directing their energy where it belongs, they will often wait for it to build and unravel on the person they feel will take it the best. Sometimes they will just unload on a human that has no choice but to take it. There is a special place in my heart (called doesn’t exist) for people that behave in this manner.
Outside of everything else I’ve just shared, there is a real problem to consider when it comes to this personality. Can you guess it? Well, sometimes they have real shit that needs to be dealt with but because they gravitate towards acting like a lunatic people are apt to disbelieve them. They are not taken seriously at all because people just label their behavior as more shenanigans. Terrible as they likely have something real and legitimate to offer and share but it is so buried beneath undeserved wrath that a shadow is cast that often, cannot be moved.
So, what now? What is a latent firecracker to do? Well, one must start by giving real air time to the things that bother them. I don’t mean to treat everything as if it’s the most important, but I mean taking the time to determine what is important. When a latent firecracker gives voice to the things that upset him/her, it is unlikely to build within them. They won’t carry a feeling of resentment and they will be able to appropriately address issues and relationship obstacles as they arise. This does mean modifying or even losing relationships sometimes, but rather than losing them like a tropical storm that’s touched down, the relationship can be severed in a way that is productive and kind.
I am not suggesting this is an easy breezy transition. Not at all. Sometimes things will build up because that is what the firecracker is used to and that’s okay. The idea is to give it a shot.
If you are around a latent firecracker and you want to try and encourage a shift, perhaps address the issue the next time they lose their shit. I know, easier said than done, but if you care about a person and the continuation of your relationship, that is a non-negotiable. The idea is not to invalidate their feelings but to explain that the delivery is not super productive. Like “I want to talk to you about how you are feeling but when you bundle it all up and get yourself so upset, it’s hard to get to the root of anything. Maybe you can tell me how you feel as things are happening next time? I might not always react perfectly, but I’m going to try. I’ll try if you will.”
These are uncomfortable steps and more uncomfortable conversations, but if you want to change or you want to affect change in a relationship, there is no way out but through.
Truly. Until tomorrow…
L.
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