Ah the passive aggressive person. There are so many examples of passive aggressive behavior that I actually struggled to just pick one situation. But alas, there was one in particular that jumped to mind first. Of course, it’s from work. But I’ll also toss you a personal example so you know what I’m talking about outside of the professional domain.
Have you ever been sitting in a meeting that either you are leading or attending where there is an attendee who is shit-talking to NO end? I don’t mean a little eye roll or buried annoyance I mean the person who is loud whispering how utterly useless they find the meeting to be. Maybe you’ve been that person. Or maybe the head of the meeting is discussing a particular approach to a work task or a project and someone is shaking their head, tapping their foot, or destroying the handout in front of them. When the head of the meeting (or you) asks if they want to share whatever they are thinking or feeling, they claim to have nothing to share. This, my friends, is passive aggression. They have made their displeasure widely and apparently known but they do not wish to give it a voice or identify it in a way that is meaningful or productive.
I’ll give you another example. A personal one. You tell your partner that you are fine as you withdraw emotionally or physically from them. Your words are telling them that everything is a-okay and your actions are screaming red flags in front of their face.
There is a common thread with this behavior. It is NEVER fruitful. Nothing beautiful was ever born from passive aggressive behavior. I have a friend that constantly sends me emojis as responses to texted questions or answers that I’ve provided. They aren’t cute or responsive. They aren’t capturing all of her emotions in a little picture (which is totally possible in the world of texted emojis). They are something of a fuck you. They are communicating that there is more to say but they do not intend to share. But, how do we know when something like an emoji is an act of passive aggression versus aggressive behavior? The same way we can differentiate in regular interactions. We dig. We observe. We look at context. I like to apply the following rule: how would a neutral person feel if they were to witness the interaction or read the text? Would they be uncomfortable, confused, or annoyed on your behalf (or with you)? Or would they explain that it made perfect sense to them.
I know this sounds like an oversimplification but it works every time. I used to be clueless. I used to overreact or underreact. Now I find myself somewhere in the middle. I don’t always get it right, but I definitely hit the target more now than I ever did before. I am for sure better prepared to handle these situations. I know when someone is lying when they say they fell asleep which is why they didn’t respond. I know the difference between a heart emoji that means love you and a heart emoji that means fuck off. Again, I do get it wrong sometimes but I am better at it today than I used to be. I pause. I wait. I review the reaction in my head and heart against all the facts in front of me. As an aside, if I don’t like the way a person’s behavior or treatment feels, I don’t need to give it a name to move the fuck away from them. Not even a little. You can tell yourself that the person might have been well intended but you didn’t care for the exchange and don’t really want to communicate that way with someone you are sharing your life with, and that’s okay.
There are many reasons why or how passive aggressive people can be dangerous but there is a primary way that I want to focus on. They believe that they are somehow communicating a message when they behave that way. They want the people around them to pick up on the message they are sending through indirect communication, enough to shift their behavior profoundly. Um, what? Yeah. That’s pretty fucked up. You want ME to guess what YOU are thinking or feeling based on how you treat the throw pillows, your inability to respond to my texts or calls in a timely fashion, or your one-word responses? Nah. That is not communication. That’s some real fucked up shit that you should walk away from. On second thought, run. Run away from that crap.
How do you deal with a person who is passive aggressive or change this tendency in yourself? Well, I’m going to tell you the same thing I told my niece and nephews when they were itty bitty babies. Use. Your. Words. I know, I know. I’ve said before that actions are important and they certainly are in all situations. Your actions should match your words and vice versa. However, when it comes to voicing something that is important to you, you have to do just that. Turn your thought bubbles into speech bubbles. Tell your significant other or friend or co-worker that you sense they are unhappy because of their behavior but you are having difficulty sorting out exactly what the issue is and require words to do so. Tell them or tell yourself that actual verbalization is required. This isn’t always easy as there is a reason for the passive aggressive behavior (i.e. frustration, fear, etc.). However, passive aggression is never an effective mode of communication or resolution. It will cause greater strain and strife. It will lead to misunderstanding and will likely prompt another human to engage in a way that is more like sparring and less like talking.
If you want to engage in that way, then you can certainly move forward with passive aggressive behavior, but I’ll warn you now that nothing good really ever emerges in those instances. Shit just gets tense and then, people often resort to latent firecracker behavior. I know, major eye roll here but it’s the truth. When that type of non-verbal interaction is occurring and emotions are running high, people will often start to catalog their unhappiness rather than addressing it head on. I’m not a huge fan of this. It sucks and I find that it only leads to hurt feelings and strife. So, speak. Encourage others to. If you have a problem, say it. If you are saying everything is fine, it usually isn’t. Just saying.
More tomorrow, maybe (see what I did there?). Just kidding. See you Monday. Have a good weekend all.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 