Ahh aggression. What a topic for a Monday.
There is so much I want to say about aggressive personalities, but it’s hard to know where to start. Aggression comes in so many different forms. For starters, there is passive aggression which we discussed yesterday. Regular ol’ aggression, rather than being indirectly delivered, is a jab straight to the face. In fact, and I do NOT say this lightly, aggression can come in the form of physical behavior or violence. Terrifying but a very real situation that must be discussed.
While we are on the topic of physical aggression, I think it’s important to note that it does not just come in the form of punching or kicking or other forms of “traditional” fighting. An example of alternative physical aggression that I’ve witnessed most commonly as of late is when people stand too close to another human where such nearness is not welcome. They place their bodies in inappropriate physical proximity to other humans. I will tell you that I like my personal space under the best of circumstances and that affinity is multiplied by 1,000 during a pandemic.
Something I neglected to mention in prior posts last week, but is most evident with this personality type, is that exhibition of this personality can prompt an out of character response from another human. In other words, someone may not be innately aggressive but when faced with aggression, they feel like they have little choice but to respond with aggression.
I am NOT that person. In fact, I often find myself cowering in the face of an aggressive personality. I find myself afraid and intimidated. It isn’t just that I think the person is going to physically overpower me or harm me in some fashion. I am put off by the emotional tidal wave that prompted the aggression. I am concerned that the person who feels comfortable acting in such a fashion has little to no control over their own behavior. Why do I think or feel this way?
Well, it isn’t because I’ve been in that position. Of all my personality traits, I’m not typically an aggressive person. Strong? Yes. Tough? Sometimes. Aggressive? Nah. But I’ve been passionate about a topic or situation before and I’ve felt that swell inside of me as I respond in the heat of the moment. You’ve had that experience, no? Where all of a sudden you are saying all the things. Whatever logical and well-organized thoughts existed in your brain are suddenly out of reach and the words and actions that are accessible are unplanned and scattered. Your response, even if planned on some level, becomes the result of totally impulsive behavior. You can’t stop the torrent of words flowing from your mouth, even knowing that you might deeply regret your behavior later or even way down the road.
So, imagine that same situation but take it from a spark to a full-on raging inferno. That is what I picture going on inside of people. And yes, I’m not afraid to admit that it scares the shit out of me. And so, I often retreat. Here’s the thing, while I’m not advocating a full-scale retreat, I also think that meeting someone “toe to toe” who is in that state is not the best situation. Rather than diffusing the situation, pitting aggression against aggression will likely just escalate and amplify things.
In the most extreme form, aggression or aggressive personalities require professional help. Therapy to treat underlying conditions or issues, anger management, and sometimes even medication to reduce the anxiety that triggers the aggressive response. In lesser forms, aggression can be managed once someone is willing to admit that they are acting in an aggressive fashion and finds a mechanism by which they can shut things down before it gets to that level.
Think about all the ways in which aggressive behavior invades your life. I can throw out a few examples just off the top of my head, as follows: tailgaiting while in the car, standing too close to someone on line (pre or during COVID), pointing a finger in someone’s face or making other physical gestures that invade someone’s personal space, screaming, and/or using derogatory or discriminatory language. There are a million other examples, sadly, and I have no doubt that a few rose to the top of your head while reading this paragraph.
Aggressive behavior doesn’t just threaten your physical person, but also your mental well-being and emotional stability. Aggression is an invasion and the most disappointing or shocking point is that it rarely elicits the reaction or response that the aggressor might find satisfying. Someone who is aggressive is looking for a reaction from the party they are targeting. They ultimately want that person to back away, back up, or back down. But even once they’ve incited that response, they are left feeling wanting. Why? Well, again, this goes back to the out-of-control nature of aggression. The logic that might pervade a rational or calm situation is no where in sight when it comes to incredibly aggressive behavior. Once someone is in another person’s face screaming, there is little the other person can do to calm the situation other than….
Telling the person that they don’t wish to engage. But the horrifying part is that even that can spin someone out. Under normal circumstances, I would tell you that the best way to deal with an aggressive person is to acknowledge their anger or upset (“I see that you are angry/upset”) and request in a calm manner that the issue be revisited once they’ve had a chance to calm down a bit. However, if someone is out of control, that kind of approach can also send them into the stratosphere. It truly can be a lose-lose.
Great. This is helpful. So, what am I saying here? Well, I’m strongly recommending that you stay the fuck away from aggressive people. I am also suggesting that you move away from people when they are going through something that activates a more aggressive part of their personality. For example, I had a good friend tell me to shut up a few weeks ago. It felt like such a slap in the face. I would never talk to someone that way and it was said to me with such distain and anger. I barely knew how to respond. I felt sad, mad, embarrassed, and shocked. What did I do? Well, I got quiet-ish, and I decided to take some space from that person. Whatever they were and are going through has put them in a more aggressive mindset and I recognized that nothing productive was going to emerge from our exchanges. Not easy at all, but a good move towards self-preservation.
If you are acting aggressively, you might not know it or you might see it clear as day. If people seem afraid to speak plainly in front of you, you might be too aggressive. If you they physically back up when in your presence, that’s a sign. If they begin avoiding your company or conversation, that’s a pretty sure indication too. You can continue to burn bridges like it’s going out of style, or you can get your shit together. Get help. Get to the root of why you are so angry. Let go of the people and things that are prompting that response in you. Breathe. Always. Take a moment before responding. If you feel yourself getting hot in a situation, disengage. Walk away. Take a second.
When it doubt, take a time out.
I know it. Poet.
Talk tomorrow.
L.
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