The quiet types. The long pauses. The awkward silences. Do you enjoy being around those folks or do they drive you absolutely mad? I find myself floating somewhere in the middle. Sometimes I find them to be a complete pleasure. They are more careful with their words and there is something reverent and kind about that. However, sometimes it feels too cautious. Sometimes it feels like someone has one foot out or both feet out. Sometimes it feels like the person is disconnected in a way that doesn’t invite further communication.
Why would someone act more reserved? Well, I can tell you that where I’m concerned, I usually hold back due to fear. I am afraid of the way I’ll come across, fearful of the reaction I’ll provoke, or terrified that I will hear something that can never be unheard. Does that make sense? I mean, we know I’m this person or I wouldn’t have stayed in a shitty relationship three years beyond its prime and this blog wouldn’t exist.
I was a teeny little mouse. I tiptoed around, barely expressed my opinions, and often backed down or retreated when my thoughts were challenged in any way. I lost myself in my retreat and yet craved connection. This is what I realize being on the other side of this equation: no one really wants to connect to someone like that and if they do, they are more than likely dysfunctional. I want to be clear that I am not talking about someone who is just a little quiet by nature. I am not referring to someone who is shy. I am talking about the human who watches their words. Someone who minds themselves in a way that is almost pathological.
Ironically, these folks are usually frustrated with the way they engage with the world. Many reserved personality types are searching for people who are stronger and tougher. Partners and friends and co-workers who may not be able to read their mind, but who will plow forward, making decisions as if they have the best interest of everyone in mind. Of YOU in mind. When things seem to go off the rails, off plan, reserved folks will be doubly frustrated because they don’t like the disorder but they know they didn’t voice concern or an opinion off the bat, so they don’t have a lot of room to negotiate now that shit has gotten ugly.
You ought not make an assumption that a reserved person is kinder or more delicate in any way. One is not synonymous with the other. Not by a long shot. In fact, reserved personalities can be cruel. They can be calculating and withholding. They can be neglectful in the most profound way. A lot of this depends on who someone is, what their values are, and why they are acting in a reserved manner.
Again, it is important to differentiate between those who are generally reserved and those that are situationally reserved. For example, there are some people who get uncomfortable when it comes to politics. They don’t like to engage and for that reason, they tend to hang back and remain incredibly quiet during conversations that resolve around topics related to politics. That personality can be challenging to contend with depending on the type of relationship you may have with them, but generally, this is easier to manage. Given the fact that this is an easier personality to engage with, I will start with this person when describing how to combat coming up against selectively reserved folks or what to do if you are this person.
I tend to try and be sensitive to the fact that a person might be selectively reserved and either avoid discussing the topic(s) that seem to trouble them or engage a little softer or more gingerly in those areas. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging someone’s sensitivity, provided you don’t make things worse by singling them out. A simple admission can sometimes put someone more at ease (i.e. “I know you don’t prefer to discuss politics, so we won’t stay on this subject, but I have to say that I’m concerned about the direction of this election…”) because they won’t feel like they have to perform or engage in a serious way. Same goes if you are the person who is selectively reserved. You can tell someone that you are a bit quieter because you don’t feel super comfortable talking about something. If they continue to aggressively push, you might want to reconsider your relationship and what that looks like for you.
If someone is reserved in a more overall kind of way, you have a different decision to make. Again, you don’t have to, but I recommend doing a little baby analysis to make certain that the person is reserved and not just a little quiet or shy. They might not be for you anyway, but there is a distinct difference in these personalities.
Someone who is reserved generally can easily shift into the latent firecracker or the passive aggressive person. They might have build-up from all the things that have been left unsaid and bam, before you know it, they are leveling you with their attack. Or they will just bury everything which will inevitably eat them alive and likely cause a separation in the relationship regardless.
Here’s the bottom line: we can’t read each other’s minds. Not at all. If you are called on to read someone’s mind or if you expect others too, things are going to get ugly real fast. Healthy, verbal communication is the only way to encourage, maintain, and preserve relationships of all shapes and sizes.
Someone reserved (if this is you, pay attention) can be encouraged to address what is making them act in such a way (fear, a specific person, etc.) and can practice engaging in a more outward facing and honest fashion until they feel more comfortable doing so.
Just remember, silence does not mean someone is okay. Silence does not mean someone agrees with you. Silence is just silence. It’s a choice (most of the time) and not one conducive to human health.
See how many parts of your personality you can identify and work on as we move forward on this path. It takes time.
x
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 