“Day 182.”

MAN am I happy to see you back here. Let’s do this.

I read a quote recently that lit me up. Not in a warm and fuzzy kind of way but in a burn me from the inside out kind of way. It read as follows: “What does love feel like? One day you will meet someone who will see the universe that was knitted into your bones, and the embers of galaxies glow to life in your eyes. And you will finally know what love is supposed to feel like” (Nikita Gill). No offense Nikita, but SERIOUSLY?!

I want to start out by explaining that I believe in love, platonic and romantic. I think you know this by now but if you are new or if this fact bears repeating at this moment, I’m here for it. Not only do I believe in love, but I believe in the silliest, most dramatic love that exists. I believe in self-sacrificing, goo-goo eyes kind of love. I believe in the kind of love that makes you want to sidle up to another human and then just stay there, as long as humanly possible. I believe in all the love.

What do I not believe about love? Well, I don’t believe for a goddamn second that love is known through others. I don’t believe that our standard or concept for what love should be or is, comes from another human. I also believe, and more on this shortly, that if you don’t know self-love, you are pretty fucked when it comes to giving love to another human or receiving it. I know, you might be angry reading that or even cringing, but it’s the truth. Really and truly.

Why? Why do people say that all the time? Why has the whole phrase “you can’t love another unless you love yourself” become a part of our vocabulary? Mostly because people have witnessed the destruction that is wrought when a human is self-loathing and engages in a relationship. There are so many yucky things that emerge from that situation that it is hard to pinpoint a concise list, but I’ll throw out a few, as follows: permissive behavior, solicitous behavior, secretive or hiding behavior, lying, avoidance, desperation, separation, irrational anger, neediness, clinginess. You get the point, right?

I’ve been around many people in my nearly 40 years who don’t feel great about themselves (myself included). I’ve never seen individuals who are broken have happy, healthy relationships unless they get help or find a way to tackle their issues. Things might seem okay for a period of time, but it always goes to shit, OR things seem remarkably okay but it’s all fake. House of cards. Phony baloney. Everything is held together with wet thread; hard to hold onto and always on the verge of breaking.

I want to make this more personal so you don’t think we are paging through a self-help calendar with flowers and photographs of cute puppies.

I still don’t know if I can have a healthy romantic relationship because I am still trying to figure shit out. Because I got too close to people who hurt me deeply, I avoid getting too close. Because I was lied to and betrayed, I don’t take people at their word. Because I am still trying to figure out who I am and what I have to offer, I don’t believe people who tell me I’m great.

And yet….and yet, I still can’t seem to figure out how to shake the feeling that people should be better and do better. And that is my biggest struggle. My hope clashing with my resolve to be realistic. My optimism running straight into the memories of every relation-ship I’ve ever sunk.

So yeah, I’m messy and confused and self-conscious and scared and wanting and needing. All together. In one small, crazy haired package.

Okay, let’s review real quick: love is known through our own being and if we don’t embrace and explore that love, we can’t love or receive love from another.  Hmmm….well what about parents? Best friends? Can’t they teach you what love is? Well yes and also, no.

My parents loved the shit out of me growing up and still do. They love each other. Like everyone, they are flawed and have their own issues, but love was never one of their sticking points. Then I must have always known and felt love given this love fest I grew up in, right? Nope. They planted a seed. They encouraged. They nourished and nurtured. But the tough bit, the maintenance and sustenance and longevity of that love, that was all me. And despite having a decent road map, I fucked it up. Again and again.

The same concept holds true for siblings, first loves, best friends, and mentors. You can witness love and feel the magic of love, but really, truly knowing love in the deepest parts of you…that’s on you. Same works in reverse by the way. You can grow up in a world where love is often absent and still get to where you want to be. It’s not an easy road, but it’s open whenever you feel like jumping in.

Okay, so if we can’t really know love through another, then how do we get there ourselves? Well, I can tell you what I’m doing. It’s not scientifically proven or mind-bending. It’s just a thought that I’m running with right now because it feels manageable and there seems to be traction. I don’t feel like a rock star just yet but I’m checking negative thoughts a lot more quickly and that’s for sure a step in the right direction. Let’s kick-off exploration of this ‘thought’ with a quote, shall we?

Cory Ellison: “You think people in one town over are gonna be any better? No. Human nature, it’s surprisingly universal, and it’s universally disappointing” (“The Interview”, The Morning Show). That’s right everyone, we need to get real. Really real. We need to understand that most of us are pretty standard humans. Even those with extraordinary intelligence or talents are still, well, basic. I know you might be shaking your head at that one, but trust me on this, okay?

No matter the armor, beauty, and skills, each of us has a basic human lurking somewhere within. If we accept this fact (I promise, it’s legit), then we can understand people better, and then we can start to cut ourselves slack. Before you lose your shit, cutting yourself slack doesn’t mean a world free of standards and self-control. It just means you get to like yourself a little more because you aren’t being such an immovable object aka hard-ass.

And yes, the fact of how goddamn ordinary and the same people are will cause disappointment and you will disappoint you. That’s okay. Acceptance of that is a move towards love in many forms, not a resignation. This is the part Nikita almost got, but not quite (sorry Nikita). The recognition of the universe that is knitted into our bones and glowing galaxies? That’s when we figure out that we are all made of the same shit. It is not the coming together of two unique souls who REALLY see each other. It is when WE figure out for OURSELVES that basically, most of us are the same. That awareness lights us way the fuck up. That understanding creates just enough space for us to begin to accept ourselves and ‘gasp’ love ourselves and ‘double gasp’ maybe love someone else.

I know. Mic drop.

L.