God morgan. That’s good morning in Swedish. Why not, right? Oh I guess god kväll if you are getting here tonight. I hope you are back here with a raging desire to continue the discussion on self-love. Just in case you need a recap the days are HARD lately, then here goes: this time of year is perfect to self-examine, while journeying within thine self I encourage sorting out how you feel about yourself, and stay the fuck away from other people (in a more serious, relationshippy kind of way) until you get to something that is more of an even keel.
Same page? Awesome.
As you know, I love music. Love. It’s been present on this blog more than once. There are many, many songs I could use to explore this week’s topic, but I’ve decided to use two in particular. There’s a lot to them and so I’m going to break one song up into three days (yowza, I know) and one into two. Trust me when I tell you that I am not stretching things out. There’s a lot of material in the song lyrics I chose and I intend to explore it properly.
The first song is called “House With No Mirrors” by Sasha Sloan. The first time I heard it, I downloaded it when it was maybe one minute in, and then replayed it no less than 20 times. In a row. Twenty.
Anyway, musical obsession aside, the lyrics I am choosing to break down today read as follows:
I’d be cooler, I’d be smarter
Probably be a better daughter
I’d jump in a pool without thinking twice
Take off my shirt like one of the guys
I would save a lot of money
I would say when I was hungry
I’d throw on some jeans, not know the size
Walk out the door and not wanna cry
If I lived in a house with no mirrors
Where the walls didn’t talk back at me
Maybe I’d dream a bit bigger
If there was nothin’ to see
If I lived in a house with no mirrors
Where the walls didn’t pick me apart
Maybe my skin would be thicker
If I lived in a house with no mirrors
Did you read those lyrics thoroughly? If not, I’m begging you to take a moment and go back again. And then again. Honestly, I would really like you to listen to the song itself, but if you can’t or won’t, that’s okay too.
The first paragraph of lyrics is a set-up, no? The songwriter is telling you what she would be, could be, would do, and could do. When the song first begins, we don’t know the conditions that would make this happen, we only know that the possibility is out there. The possibility for what? For greater chill, greater happiness, and greater intelligence. For bravery, a lack of self-consciousness, frugality, and honesty. The songwriter is saying that she has the potential of being an all-around better human, if only. If only what?
If only she lived in a house with no mirrors, where the walls didn’t talk back or pick on her. Um, what the fuck does that mean? Well, I can tell you what it means to me, for me. If only she liked herself or loved herself, she could grow beyond the confines of her own self-doubt and self-disparagement. If only she didn’t hear the shouting voices telling her what is expected of her, as a woman, as a daughter, as a sibling, as an employee, as a friend, and as a partner. If only she didn’t hear the audibly whispered criticism of her choices and decisions. If only the voices around her didn’t echo and support her regret and discontent and disillusionment. If only she had a cheering squad of her own and if not, resounding silence. Quiet that breeds peace, not questions.
Taking off a shirt like a dude, expressing hunger, resisting the urge to spend money [you may not have] to ‘keep up with the Jones’, and disregarding jeans size are all the signs, the articulations of someone who just doesn’t give a fuck. Someone confident. Someone unencumbered by what social media and the world at large tell you to what, be, and need.
Dream bigger? Have thicker skin? Haven’t you ever asked for those things? I have. I’ve wanted to be bold enough to ask the universe for all the things I want and more. But I don’t. Because I don’t think I deserve them? Maybe. Because the world has shown me that the bigger the fantasy, the most crushing the disappointment? Probably.
I’ve gone further than desiring thicker skin. I’ve begged to not feel anything. I’ve pleaded with a higher power to let me feel nothing instead of everything. All the things. But I’ve only wanted it. I’ve never manifested it. I’ve never actually grown thicker skin or the ability to not be wounded by another’s words or actions.
Why? Because there was something to see in my mirror not nothing. Huh? Yeah. If that something was a positive, glowing review of moi, I’d be good to go. But how often do most of us grab onto that vibe? Cutting the shit and proclamations of self-love, how amaze balls do we feel when we are looking into a mirror, literally or figuratively? Don’t we always find SOMETHING to pick on? Even when things are going right for a hot minute, don’t we follow it up with something like “wow, I am having such a good hair day….I wish it always looked like this”? That sounds innocent enough but it’s not. It’s cutting down by comparison. It’s emulating off the base of ‘not good enough.’
What would it take for you to care less about things that shouldn’t matter (jeans size) and more about things that should (your dreams)? How can you begin to change your reflection or rather, your perception of that reflection? Why haven’t you done it yet? Maybe you have and then…all the high five and hug emojis. Maybe you haven’t. Maybe you are like me and you are a work in progress. You are figuring this shit out one day at a time.
For me it starts with understanding why I see what I see and why I hear what I hear and why I know what I know. I see not good enough because I have been instilled with a pervasive sense of what perfection “looks” like. I hear not good enough because I’ve been taught to care about the voices. I know what I know because these things, these unrealistic standards and all the bullshit, are deeply embedded in our culture, in our society. I can’t un-see, un-hear, and unlearn until I really understand that what I’ve seen, heard, and learned is fucked to its core. That is such a fucking scary step to take but oh my god, is it necessary. I’m just scratching the surface myself, so let’s do this together. Solidarity and strength in numbers, no?
More Monday. Spend the weekend in a state of awe. That’s an order.
L.
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