Hi. Welcome back, again. Missed you guys. Thanks for coming back and giving me more time, with you, to explore this thing called self-love. I want to explore another stanza of the Sasha Sloan song today because it is just SO good. Here goes…
I’d be louder, I’d be honest
Probably wouldn’t be self-conscious
I’d go to a party, not care who was there
Not spend an hour pickin’ what to wear
Would’ve never dyed my hair blonde
I’d have sex with all the lights on
And I wouldn’t pull away from his touch
If he said I was pretty I’d think that I was
CHORUS
I want to start with the very first sentence. I know, genius. But really. Louder. What does louder mean? Often times when I think of the volume of our expression, I imagine a sliding scale whereas the higher the volume, the higher the emotional level. Increasing one’s volume, in my mind, is a tool used to express great anger, anxiety, disappointment, frustration, and so on and so forth. It is intimidating to be around someone who is loud. It is scary and sometimes embarrassing. That has been my experience.
But what if louder simply means having a voice? What if louder means saying something as opposed to saying nothing? What if we are often quiet or silent in the face of situations that challenge us for fear of what other people will say or think or how they might respond? I’ve been that person often in my life so I can speak from a very personal corner in that regard. In fact, I’ve spoken before about my diminishing volume. My shrinking to fit someone else’s paradigm or the perceived societal expectations (big picture). I’ve quieted my voice for fear of retaliation and well, loss. I told myself over and over again that if I cared enough, I’d find my voice and find my volume. That my ever lessening volume, my retreat, was due only to a recognition that the thing I was responding to or acting within wasn’t important enough.
That’s bullshit. Sort of anyway.
Everything in life must be weighed and considered and thought out and then responded to. Sometimes this process of analyzing for the purpose of responding is seconds long, just a blink, and other times it takes days, weeks, and even months. This is entirely dependent on the human and the situation. Sometimes we perform this analysis quickly when a longer processing is required and sometimes we ponder for way longer than is appropriate or necessary. That is just the human parts of us. Can’t be helped, so don’t beat yourself up over it.
But everything, and I mean everything, should trigger your voice, your volume. That volume can be turned up or down, but it should never be muted. Even when you decide to hold back or not respond, this requires a voice. Does that make sense? There is a noticeable and absolute difference between quieting yourself out of fear and remaining quiet in a very purposeful fashion. The latter requires setting the tone by expressing yourself at some point. At some juncture, you will have to make it known what you stand for and all the reasons you may not verbally respond to something. If not, folks will always think you are unresponsive because you don’t care (or are too reserved/shy). If you want a particular meaning ascribed to your actions, you have to carve that out for people. Mostly because people get it wrong when left to their own devices.
So let’s rewind for a heartbeat. Do you remember from yesterday all the reasons why we don’t do things? Because of what we think people will think and see and do. If you didn’t carry those burdens, you would be free to express yourself as you wish to. That doesn’t mean being a brutish bull in a china shop. It just means finding your voice in the sea of other voices and holding firm, no matter the obstacles that are presented.
The next little bit, being honest, ties into the same thought process. Honesty requires expression. Free expression requires a lack of self-consciousness. This doesn’t mean that you will be entirely unaware or uncaring when it comes to your audience or the impact of your words or your honesty. This means that you will temper that information so that it doesn’t push you to be dishonest or quiet, but express yourself in a way that is productive, for you and those around you.
Let’s use my last relationship because if we are real here, there’s a lot of material to work with, right? I quieted my voice with my ex because he intimidated me. I was afraid of his anger, afraid of his judgment, and terrified that he would leave me. Not only was I actually quiet in the face of situations that didn’t make me comfortable, but I wasn’t being honest with myself or him. Even when I was and told him that I wasn’t happy, I backed off as soon as he threatened to leave me. Living in that situation, not getting what I wanted or needed out of a relationship, standing still- this was all dishonesty. That was ALL on me. Not him, me.
Had I “lived in a room with no mirrors” where I wasn’t concerned about failing at my relationship, being alone again in my 30s, or not living up to what another [hu]man wanted and needed, I would have found my voice and used it. But I didn’t. I couldn’t even imagine such a situation. I was lost in the muck of self-judgment and disappointment.
The rest of that stanza carries a similar theme. You have to ask yourself how much you do or don’t do based on what the world tells you that you should want or need. Maybe you read that and tell yourself that you are entirely your own person and live your life freely and that’s great. Maybe that’s true and maybe it isn’t.
There is a pretty simple test that I find works brilliantly if you care to self-examine. Can you think of a time when you did something that you didn’t want to do? Anything at all. Compromised on eating at a certain restaurant, talked on the phone when you didn’t feel like it, took a workout class you knew you wouldn’t like. Did you do that thing because you were trying to overcome fear or self-handicapping/limiting behavior? Or did you do that thing because you felt pressured to do that thing? When you dye your hair, if you do, do you pick a color that you love or do you pick a color that’s trendy. Trendy is okay, but only if you also love it. Do you shy away from something you love if it’s not “in” right now? I heard a friend tell me that she loved the balayage style because it was super flattering on her and it was easy to maintain. She told me in the next breath that she was bummed it was “out” because she’d have to change to something else. Um, what? It’s hair color. Pick a color that works for you. Who gives a fuck what stylists, influencers, and Hollywood elites are rocking? This is a silly example but effective. The scary bit is that is just gets more intense from here. The food we eat, the clothes we wear, the people we stay with, the friendships we maintain, etc. We make choices based on what we think might work in the greater scheme of our culture and world, and not what might work for US.
Start teeny tiny. Pick one thing you would change, if you can. Here’s my lame and less important example: I like wearing summer dresses in the fall/winter. I throw on a big comfy cardigan, tights and boots and do not give a FUCK what anyone thinks or what the fashion blogs might say about it. I don’t care if it’s in. It’s what I like. Done and done.
Pick. One. Thing.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
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