Day 192.

Okay, last day that we are going to explore the song. Are you relieved? Has it given you food for thought? I know that we’ve explored most of these themes before but they are really fucking important. That’s why I come back to them again and again. We can’t just look at these topics once and feel like we’ve got it. We change, our lives change, and the world around us changes. We have to look at them over and over again. To love ourselves in a lasting and meaningful way, we have to constantly ask ourselves what that means for TODAY. And then we have to ask it tomorrow and then the day after.

There are three lines that follow one of the last stanzas that I think are brilliant in their simplicity. They invite discussion. They invite revision. They invite a closer look. Here goes:

I wonder what I’d be like
Maybe I’d sleep a little better at night
Yeah, I wonder what I’d be like

CHORUS

What would YOU be like if you lived without all those things I’ve been talking about? What if you never had to think about how people saw you, what people think of you, or what is expected of you?

A good friend of mine told me the other day that he doesn’t set life goals. I laughed at first because I thought he was joking. Surely he was joking. He is a successful man who has arguably accomplished much in his life so this proclamation sounded strange coming out of his mouth. And yet, he spoke those words boldly.

When I asked him why he didn’t set life goals, he explained to me that more often than not, when people set life goals, they relentlessly pursue them without care for the impact on themselves or those around them. When I followed-up asking how he set his mind to accomplishing tasks or whatnot based on this approach, he explained that he does set intentions, just not goals. For example, he intends to stay open to the possibility of inviting a relationship into his life. He does not set a goal to find a girlfriend or wife.

Using the aforementioned example, we can expand a little to REALLY grasp and absorb what I am saying, or more appropriately, what he was saying. He mentioned that he has had friends who had indeed decided that their life goals included getting married and having children. As they were unilaterally focused on the accomplishment of those specific goals, many of them got married to people who were not necessarily right for them because (i) they had been together for “long enough” or (ii) they were losing the appropriate age window or (iii) it just seemed like the “right thing to do”. To unwind the relationship they committed to would be to admit defeat with respect to that particular goal so those people tended to stay and live amidst unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

Oy, amiright?

Anyway, I had a lot of difficulty accepting this ‘set no goals’ approach to life but then the longer we discussed it, the more I warmed to the idea. He wasn’t suggesting that we all wander through life without aspirations or hopes or dreams. Not even a little. He was saying that the goals we set, if any, should not be all or nothing. We should be flexible and understanding. We should be willing to alter or modify or forgo a particular thought or desire in favor of something that suits us better.

I could stay really hung up on the idea that I am nearly 40 and have never married (as I thought I would), but where does that get me? Sad. Disappointed. Angry. Confused. Regretful. Frustrated. Or I can tell myself that what I thought I was going to be or do in the earlier part of my life was not actually what was intended for me. There is a still a grander plan but it involves going in a different direction. An about face, if you will. This is not a PR job. I am not glossing over things to make myself feel better. I am stating for the record that pre-determining your life’s path is not always a healthy or reasonable approach.

In fact, I definitely stayed too long in too many relationships in the hope that they would eventually become what I wanted them to be (i.e. life partner situations). I don’t have regrets, but I now know that had I accepted that the goal was happiness, is happiness, and not a husband, I might have walked away sooner when I realized that there was no joy in the relationship I was involved in. None. At all.

Does that make sense? I hope so because I’m going to jump right off into the last bit. The songwriter states that she might “sleep better at night” if she was able to achieve a state of separateness from the world’s individually placed afflictions. If I am not consumed with the idea of all the things I haven’t achieved, then I will not stay awake at night contemplating my failure and my sadness related to such failure.

I want to be crystal clear that you can absolutely feel disappointed by what’s happened to you or as a result of your behavior. You can be super fucking bummed that your relationship ended and you are single and can’t seem to meet someone that fits with you. But, what if you just embraced these facts. I don’t mean saying ‘thank god I’m single’ because you may not feel that way (you might, but you might not). I mean accepting that you are exploring what rings your bell and that can’t include another human until it does. You can’t just fit someone into that box if it doesn’t work. You can only fit those pieces together if they, well, fit.

We find peace (or restful sleep) when we allow ourselves to be present for the love and pleasure the world offers. Rather than living in the past (this relationship fucked me) or in the future (maybe I’ll meet someone by 2021), we can fully embrace the idea of the right now. Right now I have a wonderful family and good friends, and a lovely apartment, and food on my table, and a closet full of clothing and a car to drive and a fully functional body. I am not just grateful for these things, but they bring me joy. I choose not to tie myself to any one of these things so that I don’t find myself empty if just one disappears.

This is another act of self-love. I know, I’m sneaky like that. Betcha didn’t see that coming. When we accept that the world is presenting us with what is meant to be, then we can love our life and ourselves with all the bumps and lumps and challenges included. When our life is an endless quest to accomplish ______________, we are not showing ourselves any love at all. We are punishing ourselves. Why? Don’t do that.

Okay. I’m signing off now but a little more homework. What would have to happen for you to sleep easier at night? Is it the security of ___________ or just the knowledge that you can handle whatever shit is tossed your way and that you can take shit that occurs and use it to more greatly appreciate what’s working? I hope it’s the latter. Move towards the latter.

Slowly. One step at a time.

L.