Happy almost to the weekend my people. We made it. The last stretch of the second song. You might need a break by now because I have dumped a whole host of shit on you this week. I mean I have really given you a lot to process. Just give me today and tomorrow and then you have a little ‘me’ time.
I have asked you to explore so many different facets of self-love. If you didn’t know it before, you now know how complicated all of this is. Really, really complicated. Messy business. In a world where we are encouraged to be attached, you have to remain connected but detach enough to find yourself in your own way. That is no easy task. In fact, it is one of the hardest things you can do.
I told you that I was going to share one last stanza and now feels like the perfect time. This is the coup de gras. This is where I wrap things up in a bow for you and leave this present for you to slowly unwrap and then set aside and revisit whenever you need it. Again, I know we have explored some of these topics before but that means nothing. I’ve talked to a professional a few times in my life and what is always amazing to me is how often I return to the same themes. I’ve done the work, I’ve bettered myself, and yet, I find myself struggling with the same shit.
Come ON…how could I possibly be dealing with the same crap when I’ve spent so much time and money exploring it? Well, because the things we struggle with are woven into the very fabric of our beings. We are messy. We are fragile. Whenever something upsets the apple cart, we default to our factory settings. My factory setting permits me, encourages me, to accept really shitty treatment from a variety of people. In fact it is indiscriminate. Family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, baristas, waiters. You name it and I’ve been abused by them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m far from an innocent victim. I am just trying to explain how we tend to go back to bad habits and behaviors that don’t suit us because there is something strangely comfortable there.
Thus, we are revisiting topics that I think live in many of us. I am trying to approach them from different angles. Exposing different dark corners to the light. Explaining how I am evolving in my journey. Being honest about where I’ve failed. Encouraging you to keep doing the work because no matter what, I know that’s the thing that matters most.
I know. I digress, but not really. Anyway, here are the lyrics:
Tryna be good to me
I should give myself way more love
I’m my worst enemy
I’m the voice who says “I’m not good enough”
We’ve seen that particular sentiment in a song before, have we not? We are typically our own worst enemy. Sure, we have external enemies, but they are usually only as successful as we allow them to be. If we expose our soft underbelly and draw an arrow to all our weak spots, we can more easily be picked on and picked apart. If we’ve already done part of the job, we are readily available to the scavengers of the world.
We should give ourselves way more love but we don’t. Self-love is so fucking hard to achieve. I can think of at least five people off the top of my head who have made proclamations in the name of ‘deserving better’ where I know it is complete horseshit. They want to feel that way but they definitely do not. Their confidence in who they are and what they expect from the world is a complete sham. Some of these folks may not even be aware of it. They are made to face it when something happens and the mask slips (I know, terrible reference lately), but usually what is prompted looks like this: “I know I deserve better but…..” In other words, they make excuses for this one off situation instead of owning the fact that they’ve created a pattern. They’ve established a self-destructive routine with themselves and those with whom they share their lives.
I’ve done this too but more often than not, I am painfully aware of all the ways in which I fail myself. I am conscious of how I feel that I don’t deserve better and therefore, accept treatment that I shouldn’t from a wide variety of folks. It doesn’t matter. Whether you are on one side of this equation or the other, it is the same suffering. Crazy, right? But true.
How can we try to be good to ourselves? We can start in the same place that I’ve often encouraged starting. Honesty. We need to be really honest with ourselves. It’s great to project confidence but if you don’t mean it, it means nothing. The people who will set out to harm you and ravage you will see it. This isn’t just being honest about the fact that you don’t feel great about yourself. This is being honest all around, about all the things, because you recognize that all of the things impact your feelings about yourself. That’s a mouthful but it’s true.
I had a friend tell me she hates her face. I had another who tells me she hates how weak she is when it comes to men. For the longest time I told these women that they could fix the thing they hate about themselves. I realized I wasn’t being honest. I have no idea if they can fix it because I’m not in their heads. Granted, they aren’t doing anything to change it, but still. Even doing the work, who knows? But you know what I do know, they could focus on other things that they can like about themselves. They can make those other qualities and traits important enough that the thing that feels bad starts to diminish in importance. In fact, they can feel so good about the other things that they start to resist bad treatment on the basis of those feelings. That is entirely possible, for everyone. But it takes being honest and it takes doing work. Sometimes people don’t want to change because their self-loathing has become a security blanket. It’s their thing. When they fail, they can turn to self-hatred. When they run into difficulty, same thing. When challenges arise, same deal. Being honest and doing the work sucks. It’s really hard. It takes a long time, no matter who you are. It kind of takes forever because the work is never done. BUT when you do it, things start to fall into place.
I’m trying to do the work now. It’s a battle every day. I struggle with the idea of people liking me, or not. I struggling with aging. I struggle with general successes and failure. All of it and more. It feels discouraging sometimes but still, better. It still feels better to give it a shot. Just giving up feels lame. It feels too easy.
You know how with our children (I say this in a general societal kind of way), we teach them that it’s not the results that we ascribe such value to, but their effort in trying to achieve the thing? Well, I think we are usually full of shit when we say that, but maybe we can make it real. Right? Maybe we can make it a thing by starting with us. You are not going to “win” at self-love but the effort you put into it, counts. You will get stronger every day. You will have healthier relationships. You will stand stronger and a little more independent. All of these things will happen over time. I promise.
Start today. Delete Tik Tok. I know. Controversial, but do it anyway. If you want to do a funny dance and video it, you don’t need an app for that. Revolutionary concept, but real.
Talk to you tomorrow. Friday. Fri-yay, if you will.
L.
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