Well, we made it. End to another week. Wahoo, amiright? Also, scary as fuck because this week flew by. On one hand, I have no desire to drag out my weeks during this weird and off-putting time. On the other hand, I do not desire the speeding up of the passage of time. Ah, conflict.
I want to discuss something today that has been a pervasive theme this week (and prior to) but I want to step into a different arena in order to delve in.
I’ve mostly avoided social media lately because I feel like so many people have lost their damn minds. I don’t mind people conversing and expressing their respective opinions, but I feel like folks have lost the art of civility and I just cannot stand it. So, I’ve backed up just a little teeny bit. Enough where I feel more comfortable with things.
Anyway, I happened to go on last night to purposefully bear witness to the general population’s response to the Vice Presidential debate. Before you freak, this is not a political post. Don’t get me wrong…I can GET political, but that’s not what this is about. At all.
I was scrolling through and I notice that someone posted about Kamala Harris’ hair. I would repeat that but it made me a little nauseous to write out those words so just read them again. Someone went online and posted that although they liked her as a Vice Presidential candidate, they thought her hair could use an update.
It’s hard for me to explain to you how deranged this post made me. Before we go down the feminist rabbit hole (to be clear- that is also a place where I will happily travel), this is not just a female faced affliction. Sure, our society is a bit more critical when it comes to women’s appearance but we don’t limit this shallow and insane “analysis” to women. I don’t think I need to give you examples, but when was the last time you heard someone talk about the tone of President Trump’s skin or the insanity that is his hair?
I get it. We are pissed off and that kind of anger tends to gravitate us towards the lowest common denominator. I truly, truly understand. I also think that this is terrible and bullshit and I expect more from us. If someone expresses views that are completely contrary to our own, and even those that incite violence and hatred, isn’t it enough that we publicly denounce that point of view? Is it necessary to throw criticism of one’s physical appearance on top of the shit sundae that is how they conduct themselves?
I know that body language is important. The faces one makes and the way they hold themselves can tell volumes. However, we’ve taken this reading to a new level. I am no angel. I am not writing this because I never do what I am describing and I believe anyone who does is evil and disgusting. Not even close. I am writing about this because I recognize how easy it is to be swept into this habit, this pattern. I get how we can be so enraged by what someone says or does that we look for anything to lob at them and because we are a society that is hyper obsessed with appearance, the criticism of such feels like a comfortable move. But why? How can we teach our children to be kind and not bully while we engage in this kind of behavior.
Just because you believe yourself to be on the right side of an issue, does that mean that whatever you do against that person is acceptable? I think we can do better. I know we can. I know I can.
I am not preaching some unattainable conduct here. Not even a little. We are physical creatures and we are motivated by physicality and aesthetics. It is natural to notice these things, to think about them, and even to comment on them. But what if we kept the commentary to a minimum? More appropriately, what if we decided that commenting on what someone is saying or doing WITHOUT the supplementary comments regarding his or her appearance, actually strengthens the message.
There are so many reasons why I am encouraging us to look closely at this behavior. First, when we do that, we are reinforcing that singular idea of beauty and attractiveness that we’ve already discussed is unreachable for most. How so? Well, we aren’t just talking about that human and how they look, we are discussing how they look in the context of everyone else, and by everyone, I mean the pretty people. We are also suggesting that someone’s appearance is impactful in the way they do their job.
Sure, there are times that this sentiment is relevant and appropriate. There have been studies that have demonstrated that when someone doesn’t put any thought or care into his or her appearance, it can affect actual or the perception of that person’s level of professionalism. You get that, right? When I’ve been a mess going to work, I feel messy. When I dress sharp and attend to my appearance (I mean neat and clean, not #1 on the best-dressed list), I feel more plugged in and ready to roll. People are more confident in my abilities. Not because they think I’m so pretty, because it gives an air of competence when you put yourself together. The inability to do so makes folks think you can’t handle anything (as you can’t handle even getting yourself together).
Generally speaking though, whether or not someone has the most perfect or modern haircut isn’t going to matter one iota with how they conduct themselves. To that end, I’ve even found exceptions to the rule I just described herein. One of the best litigators I know looks like a hot mess every time I see him. But, he is articulate, bright, and incredibly hard working.
This is literally a long-winded way of saying ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’.
We do. All the damn time. And it’s getting worse. We feel comfortable examining people’s physical appearance and commenting on such. What a mess, no? Can’t we do better, be better? Does having a dated haircut or wearing last season’s sweater make you less intelligent, kind, hard-working, or dedicated? Likely not. On the flip side, do we determine that someone is well-prepared or better suited simply because they are ‘better suited’?
I’m sick of this shit but it’s not going to change unless we all decide we want something different. You don’t need to stop thinking that someone should lay off of makeup/tanning or someone should get a new do’. You do need to separate your commentary on their abilities and likeability from their physical appearance. I mean, you don’t need to, but I’d encourage it. Why the fuck not? Don’t you think it’s about time we stopped with this shit? Don’t you think we can do better? I do. Really.
We don’t need to get to perfect. Not even a little. However, we can creep closer to having respectful and appropriate conversations about anyone and everyone whereas we look at them in terms of what they have to offer, rather than how shiny their hair is or whether or not they paint their nails.
Just think about it a little. That’s all I’m asking.
Have an awesome weekend. Talk to you Monday.
L.
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