Decade #1

October is my birth month. Like anyone else who celebrated a birthday in 2020 (outside of um, January, early February), I can’t say I’m super stoked about it. There are a couple of reasons why I feel so meh, but the general state of the world is certainly contributing to my overall gloomy outlook. I feel a bit dismayed not knowing when this whole business will come to a close, disappointed about how shitty people are to each other right now, and overwhelmed with what comes next for me (you know, second half of life business and all). And you know, some other drips and drabs of nonsense with a heaping dose of overthinking. I still have gratitude for all that I have, but that doesn’t take away from all the crappy feelings. It balances things out a bit so I don’t feel like I’m spiraling, but then again, I do have my days. It’s a see-saw really. Some days I’m more up and other days, my knees are scraping the dirt. I know I’m not alone there so, moving on…

I thought this would be a good week to reflect. To spend each day discussing what I learned each decade I’ve lived thus far and then wrap up the week exploring what I’d like to come next. My wish list, if you will. Before I delve into all of that business, I think it is important for me to share that I think it’s critically important to dream. I don’t know if I can get fully behind a five-year plan (if this year doesn’t support that notion, I don’t know what the fuck does), but a general thought of what is next on the agenda is a useful exercise for many reasons.

The thought of a future time gives us hope. And hope is absolutely critical, particularly during times that are a little confusing or dark (like, um, this).  Also, having some construct of what our tomorrow looks like provides us with motivation. I know that where I’m concerned, a forward look infuses me with courage and energy. You know that saying about it only being up from here? I know that seems completely unrealistic lately, but generally, I buy into the idea. Even if I feel like I’m falling down on the job today or a little lost, I feel like something will turn around, if not all the things. That’s a happy thought or at least a happier one.

Anyway, you get my point. I like to have a loose plan. I also like to be flexible to change that plan or allow it to be modified by the universe. But, it has to exist first in order to be subject to change. That is why the week is ending on that note. Good? Good.

What did I learn in my first ten years on this planet? What didn’t I learn? I learned everything. How to read, how to speak, how to eat, and how to generally interact with the world around me. I learned that we are 50% instinct and 50% experience. I learned that the teachings we endure are mostly the particulars surrounding the ‘how to’ and not the ‘how to’ itself.  I can secure food from another human by sitting at the table meant for eating, but in my house, please and thank you is what sealed the deal. Oh, and helping to set the table and then helping to clear it. I basically figured out how to derive nutrition and then I had ALL the rules surrounding such ingrained in me.

I learned that when you decide to stop riding a bike, it may be easy to get going again but you first have to choose to get on it again. I learned that friends don’t like to read on play dates. I learned that some small measure of love is unconditional. I learned that I like the feeling of sand in my toes, water on my feet, and wind in my hair. I learned that I do not like hugs that I don’t ask for, strangely textured foods, and most tight clothing. I learned to use my imagination at all times except those times when I shouldn’t. I learned to make my bed even when no one else would see it, love the library, and not drink water too close to bed (and yet, I do).

I learned what it sounded like when my country grieved (the Challenger explosion), what it felt like when my country celebrated (the falling of the Berlin wall), and how to “Hold On” (thank you, Wilson Phillips). I learned how to attend a birthday party (barely, I still struggle today), how to be the host of a birthday party (hardly, still embarrassed), and ended my decade at the age when you decide ‘and a half’ isn’t really all that important.

I learned what being bullied felt like, figured out I am shy, and realized I’m doomed to be overly sensitive FOREVER. I learned what it meant to aspire to a particular look (thank you Debbie Gibson) and engage in a self-destructive exercise known as relentless comparison. I learned that I should want to be liked but also not care what people think. I learned that I was not so hot at gym, pretty bad ass at modern dance, and feared injury during most sports involving throwing and catching.

I learned about my religion, learned to be proud of my religion, and then learned that I don’t care for religion. I learned about history and then I learned that the history I was taught is just one point of view. I learned that one-size-fits all doesn’t quite fit everyone (no, Mr. Fire Chief, I cannot not stay on my knees and feel for the window sill in the event of a fire-it’s one or the other).  I learned that I am mostly comfortable beating to my own drum.

I learned to love art and music. I learned to love the creators of art and music. I learned to love creating art and music.

I learned in my first ten years of life to absorb all that the world has to offer and to contribute to it, both meaningfully and in all the insignificant ways. I learned how to see, touch, and taste. I learned how to feel and how to identify when I am feeling something. I was born in 1980 and then in the ten year time span that followed, I learned how to be. Well, the beginning of it anyway. The fine tuning of being, that came later. Much, much later. That’s the shit I’m still trying to figure out.

The first ten years? Everything that seemed hard? Bitch, please.

Talk to you tomorrow.

L.