Hello there. Welcome to this rainy Friday. Well, it’s rainy here in New York anyway. As promised today is the ‘what’s next’ portion of this adventure. On one hand, that exploration feels silly because it’s pretty fucking evident that we have no idea what life is going to throw at us. I mean, we never really knew where things were going but 2020 has really put that fact right back on us, in a very ‘in your face’ kind of way. Thus, everything I’m about to share is contingent upon what the universe has in store for me.
I want to start by saying I’ve had a lot of fun so far (in my first HALF, if you will). I have. I’ve spoken to some abysmally bad decisions I’ve made and all the hurt, but in between and around all of that nonsense was great fun. I met some amazing people, saw some fantastic places, ate a lot of delicious food, ran and walked many miles, enjoyed a ton of entertainment, and laughed, a lot. I had periods of greater introversion and retreat, but that never stopped me from trying my best to live my life in the fullest way possible.
Even now. Even today. Even in the middle of a pandemic. Even looking at the next half and feeling like I’ve fallen short sometimes, I still have big plans and broad thoughts. I still dream, a lot.
How? Why? Well, there is no magic formula. I’m not delusional. I don’t pretend like things aren’t shitty when they are and I don’t ignore what’s going on around me if it makes me sad. I do the work. I know that you are probably sick of hearing that from me but it’s the only truth I really know. I’ve always gotten through everything by digging in and moving forward. Even when it felt like I was trudging through quicksand, I still moved headlong towards something else. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve taken steps back but at the end of the day, my gaze is frontward. I don’t spend a lot of time looking back.
I know when you first read that you might be questioning that choice. How could I possibly “fix” things if I don’t look back? Well, because I try to process what I’ve been through, learn my lessons, and take that knowledge with me. I find that holding it close to me is better than keeping it behind me. When we look back, we often find ourselves stuck there. When I have looked back, I don’t say ‘boy, I’m so glad I made those mistakes’ but instead, I chastise myself. Looking back plants me in a cycle of self-destruction. I am angry with myself and disappointed and regretful. No thanks.
So, in the spirit of forward movement, I am going to share ten of my thoughts for the next decade or so. These are based on who I am, who I want to be, and the lessons that I hold close.
I had a wonderful conversation with arguably one of my closest friends this morning. I was telling her that something I struggle with is change. There’s been so much change foisted upon me (and the world) during this time, that I’ve been forced to adapt and accept, but I know I am still struggling. She shared that she is similar. I told her that several relationships I have shifted during the last few months. I saw sides to some people that I didn’t care for or others pulled away from me because I no longer served a particular purpose for them or their attention was drawn elsewhere. I told her that I was trying to do the work to shift those friendships in my mind to what they had organically morphed into and come to a place of acceptance. She mentioned that she’s trying to do the same as historically she’s walked away from friendships because she has been incapable of accepting their new form. This felt incredibly reassuring because that is exactly how I feel. I am scared and sad and annoyed that something has been altered and I cling to what it was and reject what it has already become. When she told me that she was going to work on breathing her way through it, I made a commitment to do the same. We both agreed that this doesn’t mean keeping everyone around. Sometimes a changed friendship is a sign that it’s time to go. But sometimes, we care about people and can appreciate that they are just going to play a different role. She captured this sentiment perfectly when she said “I think we just need to leave space for certain people.” So, that’s number 1. I am going to spend some time trying to figure out how to leave space, but also, how to let go when it’s time.
Number 2 is an easy one. I am going to work on not comparing myself to other people or the world at large. I only feel disappointed with where I’m at when I look at where others are today. I mean, it’s not an easy feat but it’s tragically simple to identify this as something I want to tackle in the next couple of years. I am not married. I am not really even dating. I don’t have kids or a house or a career that would make the papers. My life is a bit simpler and a bit quieter and I am endlessly grateful for it. I want to hold onto that feeling of gratitude as I sort out what’s next for me. My path is a different one than others and that’s okay.
Next on the list (#3), I want to find a way to leave a mark, a legacy. Amazingly enough, my mother and I have already made headway on this particular bit. We have started working with some young people to help them find their voices; to effect change and shine a little bit brighter. Although I am not entirely certain what shape that journey is going to take, I know it’s going to be impactful. I know that Susan and I will work tirelessly to create a safe place for intensely difficult conversations. I’m excited to see what that looks like.
Moving on… (#4) I want to see more of the world. I’m not sure what this is going to look like in the next couple of years. I would love to say that I am going to throw on a backpack and grab my hiking poles and hop on a plane, but I’m not so sure. So, I’ll find other ways. I’ll be creative. I’ll drive. I’ll virtual explore the shit out of places. I’ll read. I’ll continue to connect with friends who span the globe. I know I will step foot on foreign soil again one day (even if I have to wear a hazmat suit to get there) but in the meantime, I will keep figuring out ways to plug in. I will adapt.
Number 5? I will create more. I will continue writing. I will continue to contemplate a podcast but I will definitely keep writing in the meantime. I will try and be brave and put energy into getting my writing more “out there.” I will draw and paint and knit. I will collage and photograph. I will cook. I will take all the things I feel and express them as creatively as possible.
Let’s take a quick break from what I would like to do to express what I will not be doing. Ready? Focusing on finding a life partner. That’s something I intend to refrain from. Chasing after people who have placed their energy elsewhere (or just generally). Apologizing for no good goddamn reason. Particularly when it comes to explaining to people over and over again who I am and how I operate (no, I’m not sorry that I can’t be who YOU need me to be). Making myself smaller to suit others (I mean, I’m 4’11” so smaller is barely possible—and I mean emotional shrinking). Expecting others to be what I need. EVER. Saying yes when I mean no. Holding onto things and people who don’t serve my wellness ratio.
Okay, back to the good stuff.
Number 6 is all about the miles baby. I will run and walk more. I will get out there and put my feet to the pavement and explore the world around me. I will take time in the outdoors to just be and breathe. I will find peace when I am blissfully separated from the television and phone and people. I will reteach my body [over and over again] what feels good. I will also listen to it more. I will be respectful when it needs rest or a break. I’m actually really fucking bad at that, but I’m going to try.
Number 7 is all about honesty. I am going to be more honest. More real. I will own who I am. I will not be tyrannical in my self-acceptance, but I will be fiercely loyal. I will tell myself I am worthy until the day I believe it without caveats. That may be a long time from now, but that’s okay. I’m committed and that’s the best part.
I am going to love harder but more selectively (number 8). I’ve loved with my whole heart under the premise that someone is deep down who I want or need them to be. Even when they disprove this notion, I dig in. I stay. I am resolute in my adoration. No mas. I will try and read the tea leaves a bit more. I will reserve my opinion. I will take my time.
Number 9 is going to be confusing because it’s sort of a ‘not’. I will not proffer unsolicited advice. I will also be careful what guidance I offer, even when it is solicited. Is this just a ‘not’? Nope. This particular want is actually me learning how to be a more patient, less judgmental, calmer listener. This is about me separating from other people’s choices. Letting them be them. Not just saying it but living it. And if I find that the behavior that I’m witnessing is unpalatable or abhorrent, I can move away from that person to self-protect. What I don’t have to do is school them. First of all, who the fuck am I? Secondly, that serves no one. It creates tension and bad blood. More listening, less talking.
Last but not least, I intend to be kinder. Kinder to myself. Kinder to my people. Kinder to strangers. My anxiety and disappointment have sometimes led me astray. I know I’m not a mean person but I have acted in ways that I don’t quite like or agree with today, either. I can be quieter in my approach. Not softer or silent. Just gentler. When I’m not, it hurts me. I might hurt others too, but that kind of behavior wounds me, deeply. It is the greatest act of kindness to myself to try and be kinder in the world.
So that’s it, guys. Was that anticlimactic? Disappointing? I hope not. It’s been a wild ride so far and I’m curious to see what comes next. I can tell you that I am going to continue doing the work on the path to worthy, and I am going to keep on sharing my adventures with you, my friends. I will trip up. I will falter. I will hesitate. But I will share those experiences. You will know how difficult it all is so you can feel connected. Relatable. Less alone.
Thanks for sharing in a teeny piece of my journey so far.
Have an awesome weekend.
Talk to you soon.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 