This next one has been tough for me for most of my life. Not because I didn’t agree with Gram in her ‘relentless pursuit of relationships’ but because I did and this paradigm has often caused me pain. To be fair, it caused her pain too. She was often disappointed by people or hurt by them, but she tried her damnest to shoulder or bury the pain for the sake of the relationship. There were so many people in her life, relatives and friends alike, who did shitty things to her (not saying she was/is perfect, at all) but she never let it color how she saw them or the relationship. Or it did and she rarely let on.
In the most basic sense, this accepting of crumbs mentality, is something I abhor. I was angry over and over again when people gave her the bare minimum, just as I feel sad when it is done to me. So what I’ve done is extrapolated parts of this particular piece of advice without taking the entirety of it to heart.
I will say that generally, this was an important lesson for me to learn anyway. If I’m completely honest, I just figured out the impact of this valuable teaching moment this year. I want to explain but first I am going to throw in one of my famous disclaimers. I wish I didn’t have to write this and I kind of hope you know some of these things by now. However, I started this blog in the spirit of creating a community and a safe space and sometimes that is going to mean explaining things that may be a bit more intuitive for the sake of it. Good? Good.
I am not a perfect friend. I am not a perfect person. I am inherently flawed in a variety of ways and I am certainly not everyone’s cup of tea. When I talk about things that I have been through with friends and decisions I’ve made, know that I’ve tried to secure some understanding as to where they stand or how I might have acted in a way that displeased them. That said, I can’t be in another human’s head and so at the end of the day, I am providing my unique [biased] perspective. I am not criticizing others in the way you would when you think you are perfect and the world should kiss the proverbial ring. I am offering up in the most candid way possible those behaviors that are hurtful to me.
What I’ve realized most of all is that most of us are hypocritical. Most of us will expect behavior from others that we are not willing to proffer. Most of us criticize or get upset with behavior that we display on a regular basis. I have a friend who is exasperated at people’s lack of concern for her life and her “stuff” but will rarely ask me how I am or check in on me. However, if I failed to touch base, I am not certain we would ever talk again with any kind of regularity.
I have a friend that always expresses to me how I am not who she wants me to be and I don’t make her feel like a close friend, but whenever we make plans, it is clear that I am secondary or tertiary to anything else she has going on.
I have a friend who is so critical of others that I fear if I ever step outside the boundaries of what she is comfortable with or approving of, I will be throw on the burn pile. And yet, she is always telling me how we will be friends forever.
These are all relationships that I relentlessly pursue. These are all friendships that I don’t give up on. These are situations where I always convince myself that maybe I am being too much, expecting too much, or analyzing too much. But here’s the best part. Here’s the part that we don’t really talk about very often because it makes everyone a little uncomfortable. Even if that is the case (see above), it is who I am. And if someone is unwilling to accept me for who I am or meet me halfway, the relentless pursuit is going to be a challenging and very solitary battle. I will feel frustrated, lonely, and unsatisfied more than I will feel happy or loved.
So, in the last few months, I’ve tweaked Harriet’s advice just a smidgen. I relentless pursue a healthier relationship with ME. And in turn, when I’ve identified relationships or situations that are unsatisfying, I’ve started to move away from them. That doesn’t mean that I leave them behind entirely. Sometimes that could mean just creating some space. Whatever I think the appropriate solution is, I go about trying to do it.
As most people are hypocritical, I’ve learned that talking about it is a waste. All three of the friends I described above have gotten defensive when I’ve tried to address the lumps and bumps in our relationship. They’ve gotten angry and accusatory. Rather than hearing me out and having a reasonable conversation, they turn the discussion into a battle to the finish. And I just don’t have the energy to have those kinds of interactions. Let me try that again, I don’t have the desire to engage like that.
Usually what happens is my words or actions are thrown in my face. There’s no healthy discourse or back and forth. There’s no love or understanding. There’s no desire to really understand how I feel. There’s no comfort level whereas we can both express our feelings. There’s my explanation as to what feels off or sad and their responsive rage. That’s. It. And it sucks. And it’s counterproductive.
I think Harriet always encouraged relentless pursuit of relationships for four reasons: (i) she wanted to see the good in people no matter what; (ii) she believed that nearly every connection was too important to just discard; (iii) she never minded being the ‘more effort’ part of the relationship equation; and (iv) she didn’t feel good enough about herself to feel like she deserved greater equanimity.
When I was a kid, people would constantly bail on holidays, big and small. Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, birthdays, Mother’s Day. Gram would always say ‘whatever day we can get together is Thanksgiving’. She didn’t care. She didn’t sweat it. She may have been hurt and she could have dealt with that pain more effectively, but she tried to meet people where they are and I both admire and deplore that quality.
Here’s something I do know and this is the ultimate takeaway for me (and thus, for you), when you care about a relationship, work for it. This idea that relationships are easy is foolish nonsense. They shouldn’t always feel like work but they do take some work. If a friend (or relative) has taken his or her foot off the gas pedal in a noticeable way, recognize that for what it is. If they are unwilling to take a step back and consider your words and your hurt, they are likely not a good person to share your life with in the same way you have. You can be the person who puts in more of the work, but it still takes two to tango. Love yourself another to love others hard but know when to call it. Be relentless but also, mindful. Know that our relationships are of detrimental importance, but not one is worth tanking yourself for, not ever.
Food for thought.
See ya tomorrow.
L.
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