I’ve been thinking so much the last couple of days. Thinking about what it means to get older. What friendship means. What loyalty means. What it means to face the fear of losing people. What it means to lose people. It’s been a contemplative time generally (COVID quarantine = LOTS of thinking time) but this week has brought about a whole new round of self-reflection.
I resisted it at first. Bizarre, right? Here I am encouraging you to look within and I was fighting it, hard. Why? Well, because it felt like too much. I was kind of sad about a milestone birthday during such a weird time and sort of overwhelmed with some other “things” and it just felt like a little more than I could bear. And then I remembered that I have to practice what I preach. Well, I don’t have to do anything, but there is a reason why I suggest all of you following this so-called path. It works. It’s effective. It can be painful as hell, but it will get you to where you want to be. Actually, let me rephrase. It will get you to where you need to be.
I was trying to figure out a way to structure this week’s posts and then realized I’ve been obsessively listening to Katy Perry’s new album and then acknowledged how perfect a fit it is for what I am trying to say. I’ve said it before but no harm in saying it again: I listen to ALL the music. I discriminate but not in the way others might. I’m unconcerned with sticking to a particular genre or time period. I also know that different music appeals to me at different points in my life. I’ve downloaded music and felt entirely moved and then revisited it at a later date, only to scratch my head and wonder wtf I was thinking.
I can’t say I’m a die-hard Katy Perry fan or will always feel this way about THIS particular album, but right now, I think it’s pretty genius. Yes, It’s pop and thus, sort of innately catchy, but that’s not what really appealed to me. It was the lyrics. I mean, isn’t it always? Her new album, entitled ‘Smile’ has apparently fallen flat with the critics and even some of her fans. From what I’ve read it has something to do with her political affiliations and physical appearance. I mean, that’s what I’ve gleaned anyway. Which is gross but also pretty typical of our society. The good news is, from other pieces I’ve read, it doesn’t seem like Katy gives a fuck. She is apparently unconcerned with the public’s ebbing and flowing adoration. I’m not sure how well that’s going to serve her as an entertainer, but I suppose that’s her problem.
Where I’m concerned, I give her some props for this album. Actually, major credit. It’s not just that the album is relentlessly upbeat. Not at all. It’s that there is a profoundly powerful underlying message. There is a message of strength in the face of obstacles. There is the idea of growth in the face of regression. It’s the thought of hope in the face of despair. And who doesn’t need that right now, or always? I do. Now more than ever actually.
Anyway, I picked five songs. I like nearly every one on the album, save one, but I picked five that really spoke to me and my mood the last week or so. I’ll be honest, I almost capitalized mood just now. It feels like something I should do because my mood felt like it was a separate thing unto itself. It was indeed a proper noun. A stand-alone, self-sufficient, independently thriving kinda thing. A week or so ago, when I was really in the thick of it, my capital M mood basically told me to settle the fuck down because it was going to leave when it was good and ready and NOTHING I was going to do was going to short-cut or fast track its journey. So, I gave in. I let it take me. I surrendered. I knew it had something to teach me and so rather than being impatient, I let go. I trusted the universe or at least I pretended to for a little bit.
This yielding I’m describing is a perfect transition to the first song. It was actually part of the inspiration for my submission. I think you’ll know what I’m talking about after I describe it, so I’m going to jump right in. Here is the first song I heard on the album (no, I didn’t hear the single that dropped months before- I’m not a radio person generally):
“What Makes a Woman”
I feel most beautiful
Doing what the fuck I want
Is it that my intuition
Is never really off?
I need tissues for my issues
And Band-Aids for my heart
There’s so much to unwrap in this little stanza. First of all, to feel most beautiful doing what the fuck you want must be unbelievably lovely. I mean, I do, but then my self-consciousness and audience awareness kicks in and it’s all over. This thought ties directly into the next two sentiments. In earlier posts I spoke about our gut and how spot-on it usually is. I used to tell my mom I had no intuition whatsoever and then she gently advised me that I do but such a tool is only useful if one uses it properly. If you decide to tune out or look away, there is no point in exploring a gut feeling. And that’s what I did for years. I generally knew how I felt about things but purposefully ignored my feelings or the implications behind them. Doing what I wanted would have been to listen to my gut and make good decisions but instead, I routinely did what other people expected of me. I did what felt like the “right” thing to do based on what pleased others. So, I felt far from beautiful and very far from free. I felt trapped and despondent. Therefore, ‘tissues for my issues and Band-Aids for my heart’ feels very on brand but not for the “right” reasons.
What do I mean by that? When you listen to your gut and make decisions that serve you, it is freeing but can also be painful and terrifying. You might have to let go of people you’ve called friends in the past. You might have to grieve those losses. You might get to keep relationships but it might be time to have some really tough conversations. I needed tissues and Band-Aids because I continued to mute my intuition and tore myself to shreds in the process.
I’m speaking like this was all a really long time ago and it was, but it wasn’t. I have reverted back to some pretty shitty habits lately. All my self-exploration had me considering the end of certain relationships and out of sheer terror, I started to dig a hole in the sand for my head again. Silly, silly girl.
Anyway, I was already on the path to righting the ship and those lyrics took me right over the line. Time to create some pain for the right reasons instead of the wrong ones. You know what the best part is? At the end of the journey that is filled with good choices IS beauty and freedom and love and peace. The other one? Prolonged pain and heart ache. Never freaking ending.
Which one will you choose? Have you chosen already? Never too late to jump across the aisle.
More tomorrow.
L.
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