It is so easy to find yourself wrapped up in another human. Perhaps you are not a person who is easily consumed, but you are definitely a rarity in that way. Before you predetermine that you are not one of “those” people, perhaps you will give me a moment to explore the concept with you. After I am done, if you are still like ‘nah’, I’m here for it.
To start, there are all different levels of focus or surrender. There are also different reasons why we find ourselves in such a position. Furthermore, some of us are forced into separation or an end and then there are those of us who employ various strategies to end these situations on our own accord. These nuances that I just mentioned are just the beginning too, so you can see how there are so many ways to be one of the people I’m speaking. Big and small ways.
Whether you are or you’re still convinced you aren’t, this ‘losing of oneself’ is an important concept to explore. Recognizing the signs and understanding the concept can be lifesaving for you or pivotal for a relationship you are in. Worst case scenario, you don’t find this personally beneficial outside of acquiring knowledge, and nothing wrong with that, amiright?
Anyway, I want to spend this week walking through some of the facets of this phenomenon and maybe even offering my own perspective on what I think is healthy versus unhealthy and how we can extricate ourselves when it becomes necessary.
The first point I want to explore are the obligatory “enraptures” that occur. What does that mean? Well, if you are a caretaker of any kind (parent, child taking care of a parent, guardian, etc.), your focus on another human or humans is more in the realm of expected responsibility. There is some reason why you are required to attend to the needs and wants of another human(s) or you have created the reason by deciding that you should based on a role that you play or a choice that you’ve made. I think it’s important to mention that I don’t think we ever really have to do anything. I know you won’t want to hear that, but there are always options. The choices we have to make are often brutal and life changing, but that said, there are decisions to be made.
I know what some of you are thinking. I didn’t choose to have a parent or partner who is ill. I didn’t plan for this pregnancy. I didn’t predict I would be appointed as a guardian in this way. Also, you might be a little like “who the fuck are YOU to tell me that I have a choice?!” Right? I get it. Anger. Justifiable, fiery rage.
I know someone who was appointed as a guardian of her grandchildren later in life. The details are unimportant. Based on what I’ve just said above, logic would hold that she had a choice in the matter. I know you are going to want to throw your computer or iPad or phone when I say what I’m about to say. Deep breath. Yes, she did. She had a choice. It was a brutal, heart-wrenching, life shattering choice, but there was a choice there. I know. Stomp on me virtually. I get it.
Why am I pushing this point? Well I believe that when we start to own the choices that we make smack dab in the middle of the shit that’s pushed upon us, we empower ourselves to feel better about the powerlessness we generally feel. We might not love any particular situation. We might feel frustrated and tired, but we feed and nourish ourselves by owning our part in moving the mountain. We get to take the proverbial bull by the horns.
Please know that I am not belittling how fucking difficult life is and how insanely tragic and challenging many people’s situations are…not even a little. I am not wearing some bell-adorned skirt, throwing glitter around, and telling you to breathe and meditate your troubles away. I’m saying that when you start to take true ownership of what is happening in your life, you get to take part in shaping your narrative. Instead of sitting in a remote control car where someone else has the remote, you can put your hands firmly on the wheel and begin to drive. You might run into traffic or car trouble, someone might rear-end you, or the route might be plagued by detours, but you get to decide what happens next.
What else does accountability do? It helps you to maintain the lines of reason. It helps you become potently aware of your own boundaries. When our lives necessitate holding another person’s well-being in our hands, we are easily lost in the carrying out of this duty. We are so hyper-focused on the thriving, surviving, and maybe happiness of that other human(s), that we lose sight of ourselves. That sounds fine but we all know by now that a lack of self-care puts you like 1,000 miles away from the path to worthy. Again, sounds trite, right?
Great, I decide that I’ve made a decision, and suddenly I have ample time to deep condition my hair or read that book I’ve been meaning to get to. Nope. Nothing in life is that straight-forward or that easy. Nothing. It all takes work. All of it. What I’m saying is that when we make a choice to take the reins rather than scraping the ground, hanging onto the bumper, we at least set the tone to make decisions in all different places in our lives. We plant a seed of suggestion that there’s a possibility that could occur.
Did I lose you or are you majorly pissed off at my so-called pearls of wisdom? Let me explain a little. Many people do not have the resources to take a time out. They are working around the clock and when they aren’t working, they are attending to their dependents. There is no “me” time. That concept doesn’t really exist. But, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Sometimes it’s a breath. Sometimes it’s a shower that’s just thirty seconds longer. Sometimes it’s reaching out and asking for help, to find shelter or food or safety. Self-care doesn’t just look like a manicure or a bubble bath. Self-care can be life changing and lifesaving. But if we feel like we are stuck on a merry-go-round without the ability to yell ‘stop’, then we can’t ever get to the thought of something different.
I am not throwing out pie-in-the-sky bullshit here. I’ve done it myself and I’ve witnessed this phenomenon alive and well amongst folks that have lives FAR more difficult than mine. Families with disabled or sick children, couples with injured or mentally-ill partners, job loss, and the list goes on. People who were handed a shitty lot in life in some respects and have made decisions to make the best out of what they’ve been given. I don’t mean sunshine and roses every day. I don’t mean walking around with a smile on your face and passing out homemade cupcakes. I certainly don’t mean wearing a face mask on social media and placing beneath it some powerful self-help quote. I mean that you accept that this is what the universe has thrown at you and you decide to own it and make the best situation you can out of it. I mean that you decide that you are going to make decisions from here to try and actively shape your existence. I mean you are going to do everything you can to not be pushed around in tumultuous and stormy seas. You are going to acknowledge the rough waters, but arm yourself with the ability to swim or grab a life raft or maybe you’ll just have the courage to yell help, admitting you can’t go it alone.
I promise you that I am not pretending to know your struggles. I am not saying things are easy for you. At all. I am recognizing how hard things might be for you and offering you a slightly different perspective. I’m offering you a little room in your heart and brain to free yourself a little from the bondage that accompanies a lack of control. You don’t have to take care of anyone, but you’ve chosen to, and the only way to get through it and emerge relatively sane is to take care of you, too.
Hope to see you again tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 